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Soulja Boy is Drake’s Tutor

Soulja Boy is the smartest artist of our generation, I think period and I think out of anybody. Whoever it is, I mean, whether it’s him or his team or the people around him, whoever has the thoughts to do the things he does, is genius and man, I’m so happy for him, man. That’s my dude.”

Drake, Ralphie Radio via YouTube

It’s official. Drake is Young Money. No, there hasn’t been an official signing announcement as yet. I only know as much because he and Lil’ Wayne obviously drink from the same communion Styrofoam.

If Drake considers Soulja Boy the smartest artist of his generation, I hope our six-year age difference excludes me from this grouping.  I know the hormones in Tyson chicken are making us all develop faster, so I’m holding out hope that the generational divide has gotten smaller.

I can understand giving Soulja Boy his props for the base-level accomplishment that is “gettin’ money, you broke ass, fuck ass nigga”—the blanket argument that validates all among the hip-hop audience.  But shit, minstrel shows make money too. Junkie whores make money. Cheddar gets cheddar. The cast of Soul Plane conjured up $17 million in box office revenue.

You understand where I’m going with this.

Are we equating fame and money with intelligence again? By this principle, Paris Hilton should have the cure for AIDS ready before she finds a new BFF. Cold fusion, be damned.

Aside from the fact that Soulja Boy has made a little change, I can’t think of how he’s smarter than even Drake. After all, Drake is our new gold standard for indie rap grind, right? He has, after all, created the new formula and lane for every upcoming rapster. Now everyone can go get that money by being a child actor and getting Lil’ Wayne’s attention. At which point, they can make some great songs and not worry about them falling on deaf ears.

See how simple that is?

Drake is bilingual. Speaking both English and Screen Actors’ Guild-grade Jamaicain patois means he has a very high cognitive capacity. Dude really shouldn’t shortchange himself like this.

In my most earnest attempt to find examples of Soulja Boy’s smarts, I can only think of that time he pwn3d Charles Hamilton. Who hasn’t done that? Otherwise, he’s done nothing more than make an ass of himself online as a marketing ploy, which his owner, Mr. Collipark denounces. Such online jackassery has recently graduated to live grape blunts and munchies web chat sessions for the kids, which I’m sure won’t come back to haunt him. He’s “smart” enough not to be adversely affected by shit this down the road, right?

Let’s hope Soulja Boy’s intelligence reserve never runs low. I’ve seen far too many wild young niggas end up ashy and tearful on VH1 once there’s no more smarts in the bank.

Questions? Comments? Requests? Damn. Now I gotta lend my nigga some brainpower for bail.

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