Perez Hilton vs. Will.I.Am: Someone, Please Call 911!

As you’ve likely already heard, blogger Perez Hilton may or may not have gotten duffed out last night at one of many afterparties for the Much Music Awards in Toronto. You may also have heard that Will.I.Am of Black Eyed Peas may or may not have done the duffing.

If you’re fully caught up with this story, having seen Perez Hilton’s Twitter account, video “statement” and both Will.I.Am video blogs, you probably just had your junior prom last month. In which case, I congratulate you.

[Blogger’s Note: Perez Hilton’s video statement is Chopper Suit long. However, it is a masterful performance worth watching if you have the time.]

Hilton initially alleged via Twitter that Will.I.Am and his bodyguards assaulted him. He later changed his story to allege that Will.I.Am’s manager did the duffing, but let’s put a pin in that. We’ll come back to it.

[Click image to enlarge]

Hilton uses Twitter to make frantic cries for police assistance. According to Hilton’s statement, Toronto police had already informed him that there were actual emergencies they needed to deal with and would get with him when they could. It’s Toronto, for fuck’s sake. Jamaicans are shooting people and jerking homosexuals. Drake just stopped for Yogen Fruz, causing a mini riot. The police got shit to do.

Instead of behaving rationally, Hilton tries to goad millions of people into flooding the Toronto police department phone lines on his behalf, taking away from real Ontarians actively being violated by Kardinal Offishall’s music.

[Blogger’s Note: I’d call the police myself if I had to hear that nigga’s quasi-dancehall fuckery on the radio too. The shit is dangerous.]

A competent police department is only going to defer manpower better served curtailing drum grill arson when a caller is actually in immediate danger. Such emergency service does not apply to quivering drama queens trying to incite pandemonium from the 5-star hotel lobbies surrounded by security and concierge .

That nigga can do what’s required of everyone else when they need to file a police report outside of being in immediate danger. Go down to the fucking precinct and tell the sassy Latina secretary someone slapped you in the mouth or whatever.

Perez Hilton is the kind of nigga who would sit Gandhi-style in the middle of a busy intersection for hours waiting for the police because a motorist didn’t yield the right of way.

I’m not letting Will.I.Am off the hook here. Thugs like Will.I.Am and Kanye West keep me awake at night. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve gone too far when I joke on the likes of them. I wonder not because I don’t have the right to make any joke I want, or that I care if they confuse their accounts of what actually transpired, making themselves look like morons, but because I know these are dangerous people who might really cock back and slap me with a purple limited-edition Nike.

The drama always starts with a sensitive, insecure rapper.

I find irony in that by both Will.I.Am and Perez Hilton’s accounts, the altercation escalated when a homosexual called Will.I.Am a “faggot”. Damn. I guess that explains what some white people must feel like when I call them “my nigga”. I’m surprised I haven’t been swung on yet. That one slips out a lot, my niggas.

See?

Hilton’s gonna fuck around and get the whole case dropped, which was finally filed after either he gave up the ho-test and got someone to drive him to the precinct, or some rookie got sent to the hotel with his majesty’s paperwork some time around shift change.

[Blogger’s Note: You would think Hilton was already getting counsel from Gerald Saluti.]

I would go in on Will.I.Coon harder, because violence isn’t the answer, but now I don’t even know if I should believe Hilton had been struck. That’s not to say it didn’t happen, but Hilton has already changed his assailant, made false accusations of being followed by Will.I.Am when both parties were staying at the same hotel, and caused the biggest scene possible over a simple matter that could have been handled simply and quietly.

Even more strangely is that in the video statement Hilton doesn’t have so much as a scratch or exposed herpes lesion he could parlay as a bruise. From the way he’s beenacting, you would think this man got Chris Browned. Put a pin in that one. We’ll get back to it. The ugliest thing I can see in Hilton’s video—aside from the hoery—is that pink stripe in his cowlick.

Someone should tell him that the Adam Lambert/Fall Out Boy look is the way to go.

Maybe the new “Violence Is Never the Answer” campaign Hilton’s spearheading by likening his own plight to Rihanna’s can boast a pink Twitter icon shading to rival the green one for Iran. I know those green Twitter icons have almost settled Iranian civil unrest. We need a black one for Africa too, now that I think of it.

“God is looking down on you and shaming you.” –Perez Hilton [to Will.I.Am via video blog]

I can’t front on this one. Perez knows as much because he got his hands on an exclusive photo of God doing so… then promptly drew a dick and sperm trail on it.

Questions? Comments? Requests? Go to the damn police station when you get hit! ron@ronmexicocity.com

I’m actually amazed this is the first time a nigga slapped Perez Hilton in all 5 years he’s been in operation. Paparazzi be gettin fucked up good. Ask Kanye.

  • Pierzy

    “Instead of behaving rationally, Hilton tries to goad millions of people into flooding the Toronto police department phone lines on his behalf, taking away from real Ontarians actively being violated by Kardinal Offishall’s music.”

    HAHAHAHAHA That might be the quote of the year!

    • http://www.myspace.com/fastlifearchitects miles archer

      “I’m not letting Will.I.Am off the hook here. Thugs like Will.I.Am and Kanye West keep me awake at night…because I know these are dangerous people who might really cock back and slap me with a purple limited-edition Nike”.

      Classic.

      miles archer

  • DV8

    “God is looking down on you and shaming you.” –Perez Hilton [to Will.I.Am via video blog]

    Is this guy is serious? He can say the same about himself.

  • stunna

    this nigga perez just gave evryone the rite to call him a faggot, gettin slapped around by will.i.am, fuck outta here, the nigga made a song called “my humps” goddammit

  • $ykotic

    Ahh Mexx, you don’t remember that Punk’d episode either!

    I wouldn’t put it past BEP!

    Good drop but it’s supposed to go the other way!

    “I’m actually amazed this is the first time a nigga slapped Perez Hilton in all 5 years he’s been in operation.”

  • Detroit P

    LOL@ “quivering drama queen”…it’s been a while since I read a good Negro Please..but this was it…although I disagree on you concurring with Perez about violence never being the answer for words…but maybe I’m just a heathen. Good shit tho.

  • http://callmephlip.blogspot.com/ Phlip

    “In retaliation for the alleged assault, Perez Hilton sought out the entire entourage and sucked each of their dicks at knifepoint”

  • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com Tony Grand$

    Good drop Mex. Too many quotes.

    Notice the caliber of people Perez bothers.

    No Suge, No Snoop, hell, not even Tyrese. He KNOWS who will really beat that ass. I guess by this standard, NORE has lost his gangstability license.

    Seems like Twitter was made for his type of “person”……gossipy, fairy-dusted chatterboxes.

    If Will did put fist to mascara, he’s an idiot because he might as well went full on George St. Pierre.

    • Detroit P

      Lol@ “gossipy, fairy-dusted chatterboxes.”…yall niggas is foolin

  • Crown Heightz

    “Thugs like Will.I.Am and Kanye West keep me awake at night.”

    ha! that shit is funny. i have nightmares of kanye strangling me with a louis vuitton scarf and will.i.am and that native american looking dude from bep jumping me after a kid cudi concert.

  • Capital G

    @ Grand$ – nice GSP reference.

    As for Perez, the reason he got kufi-smacked wasn’t out of anger on Will.I.Am’s part, it was straight confusion. (no pun intended) Being called a faggot by a cock jockey has gotta be mind boggling. Like when a woman tells you to “suck their dick”. You don’t know whether to be disgusted or smack the shit out of ‘em. I’m just sayin…

    • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com Tony Grand$

      @ Cap G

      Whadup fam?!

      Yeah, GSP is hardbody.

      That was always my quandry with Lil Kim. Her telling me to “suck her dick” all the time” was hella perplexing. I didn’t know I it was gangsta, or gay.

      Still in all, have to co-sign Mex. I love seeing a white homie, handshake ‘em up & say “Sup nigga?!”. Priceless……

      • latino heat

        Tony G don’t you remember Chapelle’s Show?
        “did he just call us niggas? ALRIGHT!!!”
        white people love that shit, it makes them feel “accepted”.

        • Andy

          Latino heat? you better be mixed (latin and black) or shut the fuck up. I’m white and personally I could care less if people call me a “nigga”, or however you want to pronounce it, and I don’t feel any different or “accepted”. You aren’t white so you can’t speak for the white people when you make ignorant, grade-school comments about populations you don’t belong to. And plus, nigger should be widely accepted to everyone or Blacks (and Latinos in this case) should stop using it.

    • http://xxl gside

      co-sing

  • c b w

    I think cats need to stop sleeping on these “peaceful” rap groups. De La Soul, Black Eyed Peas. There are stories out there that those two groups alone have stomped the sunflowers and crystal meth out of some muhfuckas.

    Peace.

    • http://xxl gside

      Yeah on there on fans people like them . Let me see them try that on some tough rapper fans. See what happen at that Jim Jones show in L.A. when he went soow ooo .

  • abdul

    this is ur best shit yet homie, keep up the good work

  • geico lizard

    “taking away from real Ontarians actively being violated by Kardinal Offishall’s music.”
    ^
    Drake will add you to his albums liner notes now.

    Commission!

  • latino heat

    i’m glad somebody k.o.’d this faggot. i don’t care who it was he’s had it coming. (no homo) why is this clown even famous? he’s a fuckin nobody, he should get layed out more often.
    glad i’m not the only one not feeling ‘Kardi too. i never really felt that dude despite all the hype when he 1st came out.

  • BIGNAT

    “I know these are dangerous people who might really cock back and slap me with a purple limited-edition Nike.”

    yeah you forgot to add when your back is turned no way they would do that to your face.

  • http://www.myspace.com/emcdlthemusicprofile EmCDL

    That was a funny as hell post! LOL!!!

  • geico lizard

    Chris Brown and Rihanna are on deck for tuesday and Ron Mexico is pitching a no hitter.

  • Diesel Jr

    “I guess that explains what some white people must feel like when I call them “my nigga”. I’m surprised I haven’t been swung on yet. That one slips out a lot, my niggas.

    See?”

    Clever.

  • Master CHeef

    will.i.am > perez hilton

  • RIOTLIFE

    @Perez Hilton

    In OUR world, this is what you get for talkin reckless out your faggot ass mouth. What a bitch!

    If you talk THAT talk, better stay hiding behind your computer screen. Funny how bloggers tryna be the new superstars.

  • Apollo

    Yo good post, but you know what im sick of ?? people thinkin Canada’s pussy.

    “According to Hilton’s statement, Toronto police had already informed him that there were actual emergencies they needed to deal with and would get with him when they could. It’s Toronto, for fuck’s sake. Jamaicans are shooting people and jerking homosexuals. Drake just stopped for Yogen Fruz, causing a mini riot. The police got shit to do”

    T.O’s mad violent ( not something to be proud of) but T.O and hali thugs can do the same shit as brooklyn, crenshaw thugs etc, it don’t take a real man to pull a TRIGGER any mothafucka can pull a trigger, I’m not even originally from canada im from Lebanon mayn, lived through wars and shit. and i still gotta say its pretty bad…

    Apollo

  • the r

    WHOA…..KARDINAL OFFISHALL AINT THAT BAD

    Firestarter vol 1 and fire and glory are two classics, man….last cd….eh…not so much…

  • Andy

    I am pissed at the fact that Ron Mexico “nigga”.

    It’s nigger dumb-shit.

  • Joe

    Funny how the comments are so homophobic. Wasn’t it 40 years ago that African-Americans were completely oppressed? But I bet you’re all to young to remember that shit huh? Yeah…I guess bigotry is bigotry and you’re all too stupid to see it staring you in the face every time you say ignorant shit like “faggot.” Get a clue: racism and homophobia are products of the same hate.

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