As you’ve likely already heard, blogger Perez Hilton may or may not have gotten duffed out last night at one of many afterparties for the Much Music Awards in Toronto. You may also have heard that Will.I.Am of Black Eyed Peas may or may not have done the duffing.

If you’re fully caught up with this story, having seen Perez Hilton’s Twitter account, video “statement” and both Will.I.Am video blogs, you probably just had your junior prom last month. In which case, I congratulate you.

[Blogger’s Note: Perez Hilton’s video statement is Chopper Suit long. However, it is a masterful performance worth watching if you have the time.]

Hilton initially alleged via Twitter that Will.I.Am and his bodyguards assaulted him. He later changed his story to allege that Will.I.Am’s manager did the duffing, but let’s put a pin in that. We’ll come back to it.

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Hilton uses Twitter to make frantic cries for police assistance. According to Hilton’s statement, Toronto police had already informed him that there were actual emergencies they needed to deal with and would get with him when they could. It’s Toronto, for fuck’s sake. Jamaicans are shooting people and jerking homosexuals. Drake just stopped for Yogen Fruz, causing a mini riot. The police got shit to do.

Instead of behaving rationally, Hilton tries to goad millions of people into flooding the Toronto police department phone lines on his behalf, taking away from real Ontarians actively being violated by Kardinal Offishall’s music.

[Blogger’s Note: I’d call the police myself if I had to hear that nigga’s quasi-dancehall fuckery on the radio too. The shit is dangerous.]

A competent police department is only going to defer manpower better served curtailing drum grill arson when a caller is actually in immediate danger. Such emergency service does not apply to quivering drama queens trying to incite pandemonium from the 5-star hotel lobbies surrounded by security and concierge .

That nigga can do what's required of everyone else when they need to file a police report outside of being in immediate danger. Go down to the fucking precinct and tell the sassy Latina secretary someone slapped you in the mouth or whatever.

Perez Hilton is the kind of nigga who would sit Gandhi-style in the middle of a busy intersection for hours waiting for the police because a motorist didn’t yield the right of way.

I’m not letting Will.I.Am off the hook here. Thugs like Will.I.Am and Kanye West keep me awake at night. Sometimes I wonder if I’ve gone too far when I joke on the likes of them. I wonder not because I don’t have the right to make any joke I want, or that I care if they confuse their accounts of what actually transpired, making themselves look like morons, but because I know these are dangerous people who might really cock back and slap me with a purple limited-edition Nike.

The drama always starts with a sensitive, insecure rapper.

I find irony in that by both Will.I.Am and Perez Hilton’s accounts, the altercation escalated when a homosexual called Will.I.Am a “faggot”. Damn. I guess that explains what some white people must feel like when I call them “my nigga”. I’m surprised I haven’t been swung on yet. That one slips out a lot, my niggas.


Hilton’s gonna fuck around and get the whole case dropped, which was finally filed after either he gave up the ho-test and got someone to drive him to the precinct, or some rookie got sent to the hotel with his majesty’s paperwork some time around shift change.

[Blogger’s Note: You would think Hilton was already getting counsel from Gerald Saluti.]

I would go in on Will.I.Coon harder, because violence isn’t the answer, but now I don’t even know if I should believe Hilton had been struck. That’s not to say it didn’t happen, but Hilton has already changed his assailant, made false accusations of being followed by Will.I.Am when both parties were staying at the same hotel, and caused the biggest scene possible over a simple matter that could have been handled simply and quietly.

Even more strangely is that in the video statement Hilton doesn’t have so much as a scratch or exposed herpes lesion he could parlay as a bruise. From the way he’s beenacting, you would think this man got Chris Browned. Put a pin in that one. We’ll get back to it. The ugliest thing I can see in Hilton’s video—aside from the hoery—is that pink stripe in his cowlick.

Someone should tell him that the Adam Lambert/Fall Out Boy look is the way to go.

Maybe the new “Violence Is Never the Answer” campaign Hilton’s spearheading by likening his own plight to Rihanna’s can boast a pink Twitter icon shading to rival the green one for Iran. I know those green Twitter icons have almost settled Iranian civil unrest. We need a black one for Africa too, now that I think of it.

“God is looking down on you and shaming you.” –Perez Hilton [to Will.I.Am via video blog]

I can’t front on this one. Perez knows as much because he got his hands on an exclusive photo of God doing so… then promptly drew a dick and sperm trail on it.

Questions? Comments? Requests? Go to the damn police station when you get hit!

I’m actually amazed this is the first time a nigga slapped Perez Hilton in all 5 years he’s been in operation. Paparazzi be gettin fucked up good. Ask Kanye.