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How I know Chris Brown didn’t do it

The comedian Paul Mooney has this theory that you know Michael Jackson has never actually raped any kids, because all he ever ends up having to do is pay their families millions of dollars. He’s been busted for it on a number of occasions, but he’s never been convicted.

Yeah, maybe he slept in the same bed with little boys, and fed them wine, and showed them pr0n… but he never fucked any of them in the ass. Word to the Iron Sheik. In the early ’90s, they even took pictures of his junk, and none of those lying sacks of shit could pick it out of a lineup. Which makes you wonder how Michael Jackson’s johnson varies from any other black guy’s unit. Did he have some sort of procedure to make it tiny? Nah, right? That was probably the one black feature of his he decided to hold on to. No Boutros.

Think about it: How in the fuck could a 40 year-old black man fuck several different white kids in the ass over the course 20 years and somehow manage to evade incarceration? The reason he was cutting those people checks is that a) he’s got like a billion dollars (according to some guy on Facebook, he secretly owns most people’s publishing), and b) he’s mentally retarded. If he was really guilty of anything, they would have gotten his money and he would have gone to jail. If he had the sense god gave geese, he wouldn’t have given those people shit.

Similarly, I’m convinced that Chris Brown isn’t really guilty of any crime stemming from the incident with Rihanna at the Grammys this year. The Rumble in the Lambo, if you will. I’m not saying he didn’t put his shoe on her – we’ve all seen the picture of her with the black eye and the various other scrapes, as if he hung her out the window and dragged her for a few blocks. I’m just saying. The fact that he got away with just a slap on the wrist suggests to me that he was more or less justified in what he did.

I know there’s been some confusion as to whether or not all Chris Brown got was a slap on the wrist. Some are saying that the punishment he got was actually pretty severe. They gave him 180 days of community service, plus five years probation. Supposedly, they gave him the choice of spending time in the joint or spending 180 hours picking up trash along the highway, like the Klan, and he chose the latter. Also, since he’s technically still a citizen of Virginia, they’re gonna let him clean up the highway there.

The five years probation struck a lot of people as particularly harsh, but I’m not sure how bad it really is. Snoop Dogg has been on probation since 1993 and it doesn’t seem to have cramped his style very much, despite the fact that he stays getting busted for weed. His rap sheet is longer than Michael Jackson’s gerkin, but if you notice, he never actually spends the night in the pokey. Of course, Suge Knight claims it’s because he’s down with 5-0, like Q from World Star, but it’s probably just because the law out there in California understands that weed is a victimless crime.

Some douche in the comments section of my own site was trying to claim that Chris Brown’s handlers never would have accepted such a deal, unless they thought there was a possibility that he’d have to do some serious time behind bars. To which my response is this: If Rihanna’s people thought there was a real possibility that Chris Brown might be going away for a while, why would they have offered him a deal in the first place? Wouldn’t it have been better for her image, if he actually spent some time in jail. With him getting off easy, it lends credence to the theory that he acted in self defense.

Then I’ve heard some people claim that Chris Brown and Rihanna’s people actually worked together to get the best deal for Chris Brown. Which actually wouldn’t surprise me, since Chris Brown and Rihanna somehow probably ultimately work for the same guy, even if they aren’t on the same label. But if I was Rihanna (nullus), I would have been like, “Hold on a sec. This douche all but took me on top of a building and dropped me off. Why should I be offering him a deal?” Unless she just didn’t understand what was going on, because she never learned how to read, I doubt her ego would have allowed her to agree to some shit like that.

Nah, the judge probably listened to both sides’ arguments, realized that Chris had to get a little rough with her to keep her from crashing the Lambo and killing both of them, and let Chris off with a slap on the wrist. The slap on the wrist was because he didn’t have to go as hard on her as he did. More often than not, if you just raise your voice at a woman, she’ll back down. And shaking her wouldn’t have left any visible marks. Indeed I’m not cosigning what Chris Brown did. I’m just saying. If Chris Brown was so unjustified in what he did, he should have been punished accordingly. The fact that he wasn’t lets me know he isn’t the monster people would have you think he is. Belie’ dat.

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