How I know Chris Brown didn’t do it

The comedian Paul Mooney has this theory that you know Michael Jackson has never actually raped any kids, because all he ever ends up having to do is pay their families millions of dollars. He’s been busted for it on a number of occasions, but he’s never been convicted.

Yeah, maybe he slept in the same bed with little boys, and fed them wine, and showed them pr0n… but he never fucked any of them in the ass. Word to the Iron Sheik. In the early ’90s, they even took pictures of his junk, and none of those lying sacks of shit could pick it out of a lineup. Which makes you wonder how Michael Jackson’s johnson varies from any other black guy’s unit. Did he have some sort of procedure to make it tiny? Nah, right? That was probably the one black feature of his he decided to hold on to. No Boutros.

Think about it: How in the fuck could a 40 year-old black man fuck several different white kids in the ass over the course 20 years and somehow manage to evade incarceration? The reason he was cutting those people checks is that a) he’s got like a billion dollars (according to some guy on Facebook, he secretly owns most people’s publishing), and b) he’s mentally retarded. If he was really guilty of anything, they would have gotten his money and he would have gone to jail. If he had the sense god gave geese, he wouldn’t have given those people shit.

Similarly, I’m convinced that Chris Brown isn’t really guilty of any crime stemming from the incident with Rihanna at the Grammys this year. The Rumble in the Lambo, if you will. I’m not saying he didn’t put his shoe on her – we’ve all seen the picture of her with the black eye and the various other scrapes, as if he hung her out the window and dragged her for a few blocks. I’m just saying. The fact that he got away with just a slap on the wrist suggests to me that he was more or less justified in what he did.

I know there’s been some confusion as to whether or not all Chris Brown got was a slap on the wrist. Some are saying that the punishment he got was actually pretty severe. They gave him 180 days of community service, plus five years probation. Supposedly, they gave him the choice of spending time in the joint or spending 180 hours picking up trash along the highway, like the Klan, and he chose the latter. Also, since he’s technically still a citizen of Virginia, they’re gonna let him clean up the highway there.

The five years probation struck a lot of people as particularly harsh, but I’m not sure how bad it really is. Snoop Dogg has been on probation since 1993 and it doesn’t seem to have cramped his style very much, despite the fact that he stays getting busted for weed. His rap sheet is longer than Michael Jackson’s gerkin, but if you notice, he never actually spends the night in the pokey. Of course, Suge Knight claims it’s because he’s down with 5-0, like Q from World Star, but it’s probably just because the law out there in California understands that weed is a victimless crime.

Some douche in the comments section of my own site was trying to claim that Chris Brown’s handlers never would have accepted such a deal, unless they thought there was a possibility that he’d have to do some serious time behind bars. To which my response is this: If Rihanna’s people thought there was a real possibility that Chris Brown might be going away for a while, why would they have offered him a deal in the first place? Wouldn’t it have been better for her image, if he actually spent some time in jail. With him getting off easy, it lends credence to the theory that he acted in self defense.

Then I’ve heard some people claim that Chris Brown and Rihanna’s people actually worked together to get the best deal for Chris Brown. Which actually wouldn’t surprise me, since Chris Brown and Rihanna somehow probably ultimately work for the same guy, even if they aren’t on the same label. But if I was Rihanna (nullus), I would have been like, “Hold on a sec. This douche all but took me on top of a building and dropped me off. Why should I be offering him a deal?” Unless she just didn’t understand what was going on, because she never learned how to read, I doubt her ego would have allowed her to agree to some shit like that.

Nah, the judge probably listened to both sides’ arguments, realized that Chris had to get a little rough with her to keep her from crashing the Lambo and killing both of them, and let Chris off with a slap on the wrist. The slap on the wrist was because he didn’t have to go as hard on her as he did. More often than not, if you just raise your voice at a woman, she’ll back down. And shaking her wouldn’t have left any visible marks. Indeed I’m not cosigning what Chris Brown did. I’m just saying. If Chris Brown was so unjustified in what he did, he should have been punished accordingly. The fact that he wasn’t lets me know he isn’t the monster people would have you think he is. Belie’ dat.

  • NW sider

    “Unless she just didn’t understand what was going on, because she never learned how to read,”

    *dead*

  • Worley

    Chris Brown didn’t do it.

    • geico lizard

      The guy who stole lance armstrong bike got 3 years in prison. 3 years for a damn bike!!!If you are broke you are ass out in court.

  • Pierzy

    So by that rationale, OJ didn’t do anything criminal, just civil?

    • http://www.byroncrawford.com/ Bol

      I’m not even sure if he did anything civil.

      • Pierzy

        Fair enough

  • ri067953

    Yo, Chris Brown is the O.J. Simpson for the new generation…word to Pepsi Cola!

  • latino heat

    people with money always get away with crime. if that was any of us that beat our chicks like that we would be sitting in a cell right now. Belie’ dat.
    and according to Dave Chapelle, Michale Jackson’s dick has permed / pressed hair and glitter on it.
    what does the Iron Sheik have to do with anything?

    • http://callmephlip.blogspot.com/ Phlip

      Search “Iron Sheik” on YouTube, and select ANY of the videos where he is described to be going in on someone (Kramer, a few others) and without fail, he will offer to “put him in the camel clutch, break his back, FUCK HIS ASS (dingdingding!!!) and make him humble.”

      • Pierzy

        And the Iron Sheik is a frequent guest on The Howard Stern Show (and even more frequently featured via drops and clips). As we all know, Bol is a fellow Stern listener…

  • $ykotic

    All this dude has to do is pick up trash along the highway.

    Get a good lawyer people! Word to Max B!

    • El Tico Loco

      5 years probation on an F is a long time to keep your nose clean. He’ll catch a case on something dumber.

      • $ykotic

        I know Tico but dayum trash? Photo-op!

        Bet you he will say his next “smash hit” was thought of while shoveling sh*t and bagging roadkill in Va.

        • BIGNAT

          come on $ykotic 180 days that is 6 months. he going be picking up trash in the summer into next year. that is a fucking punishment he better hope for a cool summer and a mild winter. also i am sure they not going be doing it everyday. that means he might not be done till feb.

    • Azhar

      i’ll take picking up trash over jail time anyday, but the real question will be how are they gonna market him now and will his next cd flop!

  • facts.

    two different references to michael jackson’s junk in two different paragraphs. in a post dedicated to chris brown. take a deep look within, bol. just saying.

  • DV8

    you miss qouted Mooney, he said if Mike is guilty then so are the parents for letting it happen and they all should go to jail. The trial was about money.

    and 5 years probation is a lot for a simple domestic ultamete combo. Damn you would think he killed some dogs or ran somebody over or had a concealed weapon in a stash box and was illegally searched or something.

  • vhingrhamesonyomomma

    sits back and turns “whoop dat’ Trick” way, way the fuck up!! sory i had to do it.

  • http://thepiratebay.org/user/MaxProfit Max Profit

    Just cause sombody beat a case don’t mean they innocent.
    If I even think somebody might be a child molester or a woman beater then are in my mind.

  • http://twitter real diva

    he hit the right chick cuz if that was me i would be getting probation and his ass would be still in the emergency room, i don’t play that shit there….but i believe they still going to be together, so what can we say!!

  • SOUTHSIDE A-TOWN

    co-sign latino heat

    MONEY TALKS!!! belie dat!!! but if they want u they gon get u: Prodigy, Mike Vick, O.J…. c’mon

    donte stallworth doin 30days & like 8 yrs probation for driving drunk and killin a man. wtf

    • latino heat

      yeah but O.J.’s a different story. that fool got a get out of jail free card the 1st time and then kept fucking up. they weren’t gonna let him get away 2 times.
      as for Prodigy, these cracka ass crackas don’t even know who the fuck he is, like Max B. all they got to know is your a rapper and your going to jail.
      as for Mike Vick, i’m a die hard Falcon’s fan so that shit hurt. FREE MIKE VICK!!!

      • $ykotic

        I still think OJ got set up.

        Didn’t they want Prodigy to snitch on 50?

        Donte payed up.

        Vick is done. They played that brother.

        • BIGNAT

          okay i agree on oj and vick they did both of them dirty. i never heard about that stuff you talking about with prodigy. now donte his ass got off he was drunk and he killed someone. the fact you add a car into the mix anybody else who be in jail for at least 10 years. donte got 30 days and 8 years porbation for a dui, vehicular manslaughter or Intoxication manslaughter. plus i am sure he was speeding donte’s lawyer is the new johnny cochran

  • Redd

    kinda like Rev Run’s son jojo. we all know he aint going to jail, he’ll get fined and probation if that. but he wasnt smoking,just rolling it. lol.

  • ryne rich

    what did chris brown tell the pop star with two black eyes, nothing he told her twice.
    he did it

  • ryne rich

    yea but stall worth did the right thing and payed the family and admitted guilty. what you want the man to do spend 30 years in jail… i mean hes rich, and did the right thing, he coulda dragged this shit out forever or who knows whatbullshit coulda conspired. not sayin hes all of a sudden a good person.

  • Master CHeef

    What makes you think they put Michael Jackson in a lineup with other black men?

    Wasn’t really wanting to think about mj’s cock and balls today, but what the fuck ever.

    No homo.

  • http://callmephlip.blogspot.com/ Phlip

    Look, I still think thay Donte Stallworth would have gotten the chair if he had hit a dog, things being as they are.
    Yes, Mike Vick got a raw deal, and the salaciousness of the killing the dogs made them go harder on him for tax evasion and gambling and conspiracy in my opinion.
    The difference is “comparative negligence,” in that the guy that Donte Stallworth hit MIGHT have been partially at fault based upon how/where he crossing the street. The intoxication of the driver was a factor, no doubt. Genuine remorse and immediate restitution, as opposed to going on ESPN and saying “mang, people all over da world sup’pote Mike Vick, I ain’t did nuffin” were what lessened Stallworth’s sentencing.
    Unfortunate as it is, he should still get WAAAAY more than 30 days.

  • http://www.myspace.com/emcdlthemusicprofile EmCDL

    I saw about what happened to CB on the news last nite…dude getting off easy for real. 5 years probation??? Whooooooo! Boy better stay in church for them five years and go gospel

  • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com Tony Grand$

    It had a lot to do with the fact that Rihanna hasn’t been seen around the country all victimized. She’s back out there, kissing other celebrities, “dating”, making public appearances, etc.

    If she had been holed up all this time, extra disheveled, doing talk shows about how CB screwed up her self-respect, then he would’ve surely been treated like the monster the media attempted to portray him as.

    She probably mentioned to her “people” that she forgave him, & didn’t want him to go to jail. That young love is something else.

    Aside from that, the nigga ain’t too good to pick up some garbage. & 180 days of that, man, people do that shit for a living, & don’t have a mansion to go home to. That shit’ll build character, which he didn’t seem to have too much of to begin with.

    He has 5 years to show that he learned a lesson.

  • Jenna

    Pretty good post. I just found your blog and wanted to say
    that I have really liked browsing your posts. Anyway
    I’ll be subscribing to your feed and I hope you post again soon!

  • $ykotic

    Grand$ closed it .

    Fin.

  • That Guy

    “Word to the Iron Sheik.”

    Word to Brian Blair as well.

  • the truth

    **FIRST OF ALL THE ARTICLE IS NOT FUNNY, SHE DOES NOT HAVE A BLACK EYE. STOP LYING. SECOND SHE ATTACKED CHRIS AND THE TRUTH IS ALL COMING OUT, WAIT AND SEE. SHE HAS BEEN BEATING HIS ASS FOR MONTHS, WAIT AND SEE WHEN ALL THE EVIDENCE COMES OUT.

    RIHANNA IS EVIL WAIT AND SEE.

  • DETROIT

    what up my gs,

    a few things:

    1. Fuck the community service, 5 years probation IS A LONG ASS TIME! chris brown is like 20, and now he has to go 5 years without breaking a law! no black male between the ages of 18 and 25 can go 5 years without breaking the law!

    2. if rhiana were just some random hood bitch, it wouldn’t have even went this far! think of how many niggas you know who beat the shit outta their girl and don’t ever do a day or get probation.

    chris brown didn’t get off easy at all, actually he got fucked in the game! if i were him, i woulda took the jail time over the probation. 5 years is a long time to keep your nose clean, especially when they’re waiting on you to fuck up again!

  • Anonymous

    Byron Crawford you win the dumbass of the day award round of applause. IF you would actually do research and stop listning to “facts” that a “comedian” is saying…maybe you would recieve some insighful knowledge. First of all, do you realize that one of the boys that accused Michael of molestation told the media that it was false and on his conscience this whole time? DO you realize that this guy’s father who filed the lawsuit and won money killed himself not too long ago? What evidenece of support ever said that Michael molested these kids? Even if you watch the videotape interaction that these kids had with Michael, there interactions w/ him was not one that a child would normally have with someone they should actually “fear”.Im sick of hearing bs. your example was horrible and has nothing to do with chris’s situation

  • MP

    i think its all the illimunati shit he probably refused to be one of this mason shit members with jay-z and rhiahna really liked him and they tried to use her to get him in on it but since he was close to michael jackson maybe michael advised him not to sell his soul as he did and now since he didn’t they try to kill you out of the media by making you look like a horrible person just like eminem sold his soul but once he gets it back he isn’t on any magazine or getting any support cause he’s not playing that game anymore open your eyes world tupac died killimunati he prophasiesed his death em profisied proofs death its all a game