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Why Rawse is the man

I would never listen to his albums for any reason other than to skewer them on my blog, as if they were so many jumbo gulf shrimp, but damn it if I’m not starting to like Rick Ross. No fishsticks.

Yeah, the guy’s a fucking liar. But it takes real chutzpah to be as full of shit as he is. It seems like every other day now we’re finding out about some shit he lied about, or invented out of whole cloth. And you’d have to think this is only the tip of the iceberg. If he’s got two babies by women who happen to be hoo-ers, who knows how many hoo-ers he’s been with over the years.

He’s only been rich and famous for a few years now, but I’ve listened to enough of the Stern Show to know that you don’t have to be rich to pay for it. Dudes like John the Stutterer and High Pitch Eric stay getting with hoo-ers, and they don’t do shit but collect disability. Rawse was making more money than I do when he was prison guard, back in the mid ’90s. And I bet he didn’t have to damn threaten to sue his employer and email around other prisons looking for work to get paid.

But I digress.

You get the idea that Rawse could be straight up with people, if he wanted to, but why even bother? It’s not like he couldn’t afford a pair of real Louis Vuitton shades to wear on the cover of XXL. He probably just figured his audience would like the fake ones more than the real ones anyway. Keep in mind, this is a guy who brags about being able to afford to eat crab meats – which are included in the price of a $9.99 Chinese buffet, on Sunday nights, though you’re gonna wanna make sure you get a table near the buffet and/or have one of your kids jockey for position, for when a new tray comes out.

Similarly, the idea that he would even bother shooting a video in Columbia, as if he really does know Manuel Norega, when everyone knows he’s just an ex-cop with a penchant for street walkers, is hilarious to me. I read on MTV or somewhere that the people he took down there were nervous that they were gonna be killed, or kidnapped, but Rawse told them they were free to walk the streets without worry, because he’s got connections down there. And their dumbasses believed it! Roffle. But you know what would have been even funnier? If Rawse said that, then The-Dream ended up being kidnapped and given a Columbian necktie. I wonder if Rawse would have been liable in that case, legally. You guys know I was pre-med. Morally, I think it goes without saying that that’s what you get for believing anything Rawse says.

For a while there, it looked like Rawse’s nemesis Fiddy may have been bullshitting Rawse’s hoo-er of a baby’s mother, Tia, about releasing her Superhead book. Maybe he paid her some sort of nominal fee or maybe he didn’t, but the release date (the same as Rawse’s album) came and went with no book. But then I actually saw an excerpt from it, the other day. It looks like it might be mad short, more of a pamphlet than a book – it could very well have been written just in the past few weeks. And of course it’s all about how Rawse ain’t shit.

I read somewhere else the other day where she was talking about how Rawse won’t see his son, who’s like 10. I’m assuming there’s some sort of arrangement for him to take care of the kid, provided it’s really his, but it sounds like he doesn’t want anything to do with it. Now, I don’t want to suggest that a man shouldn’t take care of his kids. I’m just saying. I understand. If a guy has a baby by a hoo-er, and he doesn’t want to have very much to do with it, I don’t think you can blame the guy. The hoo-er should have known no man’s gonna want a lifelong reminder of some stank he had to pay for. Tia probably wouldn’t have kept it anyway, except she was trying to get a piece of that $19,000 a year, or whatever you make as a prison guard. Which is big money in the ghetto. You could get some expensive tennis shoes and some crab meats.

Now that Rawse has had three #1 albums in a row, albeit in a low expectiations age of album sales, I wouldn’t be surprised if she tries to take him for some ridonkulous amount of money in child support. If she does, I hope he explains to the judge just like I’ve explained here. You know he probably would.

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