Spencer Pratt: The Future of Hip-Hop

While some of you niggas can’t, I can proudly say that I’ve never watched a single minute of MTV’s The Hills. My only knowledge of Spencer Pratt and the herpetic smegma stain he married comes from watching The Soup. A couple episodes ago–of The Soup, not The Hills–I observed Orange County’s Most Wanted and a “homie” speaking that jive izzle-bizzle-dizzle shit en route to an evening of whatever the fuck these people do. I was immediately overcome by the thought that the next parked Crown Victoria on “Speidi’s” media whore stroll could be a pseudo rap career.

Complex Magazine caught up with S-Dot Preezy to discuss this very nightmare.

[Blogger's Note: Yes, nigga. I said "smegma stain".]

In what might be the most flagrantly ignorant and ridiculous music interview I’ve ever read, Pratt immortalizes himself as a legend of whoonery. His single “I’m A Celebrity (Get Me Out of Here)”, a promotional jingle for the forthcoming B-list-only Survivor knockoff, I’m A Celebrity… Get Me Out of Here!, serves as a perfect segue to the impending lyrical onslaught of S. Preezy the Swaggatarian.

What? You don’t know what a “swaggatarian” is? It’s kind of like a humanitarian. He’s just giving swag away. Believe me, sweetie. Big homie’s got enough to feed the needy. Ironically enough, if Pratt is “the white Jay-Z” as proclaimed, then by the transitive property of swagger jacking, his nickname should be “Wigga”.

[Blogger's Note: "Swaggatarian" is not to be confused with "one who eats and forcefully regurgitates swag", which Pratt also does. And oh, yeah. Please add "whoonery" (a white girl with some coonery) to your RMC lexicon.]

Wigga Man doesn’t stop at Jay-Z comparisons. Like a mouse on a glue trap, Pratt worsens his fate with every move. His next misguided writhe comes in the form of asserting his wife, Heidi Montag, to be one greater than Beyonce and that their “Bonnie & Clyde” rendition will surpass the Blueprint 2 lead single.

I can see it now. “You ready, Heidi?… Let’s go get ‘em.”

You can thank Diddy, T-Pain, Lil’ Wayne, Kanye West and his Bedknobs And Broomsticks–or whatever the fuck he named that whiny-ass album–for Pratt’s belief that he can succeed in the music industry without talent. Thanks to Auto-Chune and Puffy’s guest appearance LPs, Preezy has two stars of XXL’s Hip-Hopalypse: Jesus, Take the Wheel cover in his crosshairs. Gucci Mane and Orenthal the Adlib-Driving [Song] Murderer will take this man’s photosynthesis money (as Pratt sells picture opportunities to the paparazzi) straight to Kay Jeweler.

Aye!

Poorer still than his voice and flow is Pratt’s understanding of the music industry. Aside from believing that he should only pursue ringtone sales because “there are billions of cell phones”, as opposed to there not being billions of radios, the Swaggatarian goes full-T.I. by distancing himself from Brody Jenner. Pratt is fully aware that AlfaJenner’s Bromance will be a hit to his rapidly-growing street credibility–which is obviously more important than say, having songs people want to hear and getting them on the radio.

Aspiring rapsters, take note. Don’t surround yourself with niggas who will damage the “street cred” you earned so painstakingly by kufi-slapping defenseless, terrified rich kids and posting up in MMA rapper videos.

Kevin Casey already knows what time it is. Keep the team thorough. Everything else will fall into place.

Behold, a pale horse–I mean, the future of hip-hop.

Questions? Comments? Requests? Feeling a little paranoid? ron@ronmexicocity.com

Thanks, ‘Thena.

  • EReal

    ROFLMMFAO.

    I saw that shit and was horrified, tyina act all thuggie, omg, fail.

    Its FUBAR, mex, FUBAR, I tell you!

    Oh and smegma stain, FTW.

    Cheezy ass fool.

  • ri067953

    This guy is straight up mocking black people. This is coming from the guy who wanted to adopt an African baby and name’em Dunk because he would be good at basketball.

  • Jack Tripper

    Say Mex I heard his song the other day. Man I think “hip hop” has offically jumped the shark.
    You got all these pussy footers out there that think it’s all about how much money you have and being fly. Auto-tune has offically taken over as the easiest way to guarentee you a #1 hit. And it took a white boy to finally say that now it ain’t about how talented you are as an MC. Will somebody please tell me I’m dreaming!

  • Bobo D

    Wow!!!!
    I’ve also only heard of Spencer through The Soup, and those top 100 list E! does. So I’m expecting his second single to be “Wigga What, Wigga Who”(Swaggatarian 09).
    Sample line:
    “I be bullshitting, glock with the empty clip;
    Motherfuckers run out the club when the fool spit”

    “What? You don’t know what a “swaggatarian” is? It’s kind of like a humanitarian. He’s just giving swag away. Believe me, sweetie. Big homie’s got enough to feed the needy.”
    ^^^^
    This had me rolling.

  • JCITYHUSTLA617

    THIS IS MORE OF A WIGGA PLEASE THAN A NEGRO PLEASE DONT YA THINK??? LOL

    • Pierzy

      Caucasian Please?

      • JCITYHUSTLA617

        IF I WAS WHITE MY MOTTO WHOLE BE…………THE CAUCASION SENSATION YOU NIGGAZ FUCK AROUND END UP BACK IN THE PLANTATION LOL

  • Tok

    that kevin casey vid had me rollin’. “Keep the team thorough”

  • Pierzy

    I’m quite proud to say I haven’t seen one single second of The Hills…

    • http://www.myspace.com/fastlifearchitects miles archer

      I’ve never seen that bullshit either. I wouldn’t even know what it is if it wasn’t for Chelsea Lately’s constant etherization of whatever nonsense goes on on that show.

      Yeah, I watch Chelsea Lately… she could get it too…

      miles archer

  • OG Matt Herbz

    You know… I’m a cold and calculated killer, man. I’ve waited, camouflaged in bushes for days, in exotic locations all over the globe just for a clean shot at a hater’s cranium. I usually pick them off from about 5-20 meters with a single, silenced shot from a customized Colt .45. Most niggaz didn’t even know what hit ‘em…

    But this Spencer Pratt muthafucka makes me want to walk up to him at the next one of these bullshit ass premiers that he and his plastic-tittied horse-faced-ass wife always attend and just shank that muthafucka to death with a plastic fucking knife…RIGHT in front of everybody. Those two little fucks in the Ukraine ain’t got shit on the Herbz: I’ll castrate that lil nigga right in front of the TMZ cameras while dialing 911 on my OWN damn self. LAPD will arrive, see what’s happened, give me a pound, billy-stick Spencer’s brains to mush on the Walk of Stars, then we’ll procede to gangbang Heidi right there on the street. Then I’ll get my homey Magic Johnson to come by after we’re done and give that bitch some H.I.V. And nobody will stop us: Herbz + LAPD + Magic Johnson = some trouble, nigga. I swear to G.O.D. and the White Jesus that I’ll provide the murder weapon, the schematics of the assassination, and donate my best lawyers and $10,000,000 cash to the dude that murks muthafuckin Spencer and Heidi and posts it on YouTube. $5,000,000 if you put in on World Star. Word is bond, I’ll get you off the hook for that shit–it would be doing me, and the world, a favor.

    So, Who want it?

    –OG Matt Herbz–

    • chillin mayne

      u got me considerin this offer, like forreal…forreal forreal…im scratchin my head…let me get back to u on dat one, i gotta think it out

    • BIGNAT

      “then we’ll procede to gangbang Heidi right there on the street. Then I’ll get my homey Magic Johnson to come by after we’re done and give that bitch some H.I.V.” man that is fucked up on so many levels

  • PARIS PERSHUN

    AND INTRODUCING THE NEXT PERSON SIGNED TO E1 MUSIC (KOCH RECORDS)

    (LEANS BACK AND TURNS “THUGGIN’” WAY WAY WAY WAY WAY WAY WAY WAY THE FUCK UP)

  • Mike Crown

    Damn Ron!!! St8 Venom. Your like “The Black Mamba” of bloggin. I’m not sayin your the best in the game, but your the best “Closer” in bloggin.

  • DV8

    Im guessing that if I knew who and what the fuck you are talking about I would find this funny. Oh well….

    *waiting on the next one*

  • geico lizard

    Spencer Pratt>>>Asher Roth

  • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com Tony Grand$

    Dude fits in so well with the whole cast of “Get me outta here”. A bunch of C-listers with nowhere else to escpae to. Sangia, wtf?! You know a cast is horrid when John Salley is the coolest cat onset.

    Good shit, Mex. & “The Hills” is god-awful. I accidentally saw 10 minutes & needed therapy.

    Lol @ Herbz enlisting Magic to hit her off with “some H.I.V.”.

  • Capital G

    I just watched the Kevin Casey video and…
    What the fuck was that? I’m assuming Smegma Pratt was the white dude getting all whoonish in the background. And I may be mistaken but, how much gangsta shit goes down at the beach with bonfires and such? Mega fail for all involved. I feel dumber now just for watching that shit. Thanks Mex!

    • http://www.ronmexicocity.com Ron Mexico

      i’m sorry you had to see that kev casey video, but you needed to see the caliber of hip-hop pratt is bringing to the table.

      and, exactly. WHOONERY!

      • Capital G

        Maybe he can make a dolla off this shit, or how about make like Dolla, get it? (too soon for that one?)

      • $ykotic

        Thanks Mexx.

        That’s why I gave you the heads up a couple of days ago.

        BRILLIANT!

        • http://www.ronmexicocity.com Ron Mexico

          and my nigga… yeen’t never lie!!!

  • SOUTHSIDE A-TOWN

    havent even read yet. jus gotta say i love The Soup. dat shit is jus as funny as dese blogs/whateveruwanacallit be…

  • B

    “I’m a celebrity, get me out of here…”

    Here’s to you Spencer. Stay classy my friend.

  • meanscorpio

    this has to be a joke. if the media stop feeding into him lets pray he will go away

  • http://colby-sempek.com Ghost

    Is it just me or did that interview seem way to coherent to be coming out of Spencer Pratt…If I’ve gathered anything from The Soup (a la Mr. Mex here)…and I have…it’s that dude is a moron. I mean, I know music is cold and calculated nowadays, but really…it’s like I’m selling you bullshit and you’re going to like it…at least he’s honest.

  • stunna

    how do yall not watch the hills? its like the white wshh. the only thing that keeps me going in this world is knowing that as niggatrocious some people can be (i.e. soulja boy) there’s always at least 5 other white people there to out do him (i.e. the cast of the hills)

  • KenFTW

    *Reads Complex interview*

    “what you have just said, is the most insanely idiotic thing I have ever heard. At no point, in your rambling incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points and may God have mercy on your soul.”

  • bout to hang myself mayne

    is this gato serio??..estar serio??..is this cat ceeral…seriously tho…sumbody kill me… whoever takes herbz offer on murkin pratt, afta yall kill him, make sure yall come my way and blast my ass…dat shit makes me want to jus move on to the next life…my life is now one huned percent useless after bein a witness to this whoon…..

  • Numba 1 Spencer Fan

    This album will be CLASSIC do not sleep on the skills. Soon names like Jay-Z, Lil Wayne, T.I., Kanye West and Jeezy will be nothing more than a distant memory. Speidi will run the music game!

    MARK

    MY

    WORDS

  • latino heat

    i’ve never watched the Hills or anything on MTV since they stopped actually playing videos a few years ago. i heard his name a couple days ago from one of the commenters on here and didn’t know who they were talking about. (sorry my pop culture knowledge is non existent these days) thanks for clarifying.

  • becky weis

    I heard Spencer Pratt from the the hills realty show called rappers “niggers”