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Is Eminem Really On Drugs?

When I read the other day that Eminem’s video for “3 A.M.” would be having its premier on Skinemax, I thought for certain there would be pr0n in it. It’s a good thing I didn’t bother tuning in. I was too busy having the most traumatic weekend evar.

Yesterday, I somehow managed to injure myself getting out of bed. I ended up having to have some sort of procedure to have my left arm put back in its socket. And that’s only after I spent about three hours sitting around with my arm just kinda dangling, like Jeff the Drunk. No Boutros. It was as painful as shit. It’s no wonder that guy drinks so much.

In case you’re wondering, yeah, I tried to do that thing where you just shove it back in, like Mel Gibson in Lethal Weapon. Nullus. It didn’t work, and not just because I was too much of a pussy to go through with it. As a professional blogger and now a homeowner (crime does pay, if not particularly well), I would have done pretty much anything to avoid going to the hospital.

The only good thing that came of it is that I got a pretty good deal on some vicodin – though I’m gonna have to consult the Google to see if you can get high off of it. I know I took a number of pills people shoved in my hands when I was in college, and a lot of them didn’t really do anything. I took one vicodin when I got home yesterday, but I fell asleep pretty much right away.

If I remember, I might have to pop a few of them and see if these new Eminem songs sound any better than they do. Which is to say, not at all. I know he keeps hinting at being on pills in the publicity for the new album, but I’m not sure what exactly he’s been taking. It could be that, whatever it is, his new music sounds way better when you’re on it – like how UGK supposedly sounds better when you’re high on prescription cough syrup.

The things I do for hip-hop journalism…

Actually, I’m not sure if Eminem is even on any pills. If he wants to call his album Relapse, and have all of those pills on the cover, and go on the cover of Vibe magazine with the cover line, “I Almost Died[1],” he should be forced to have someone flip cam him taking a buncha pills and see what happens, like that episode of the Tom Green Show (late ’90s forevah!) when he drank a shedload of Vodka and threw up in a toilet.

No homo Juelz Santana, I was watching the clip for “3.A.M.,” and Eminem doesn’t look like he’s spent the past five years sitting around getting fucked up. I, of all people, should know what that looks like. It could be that he did spend a few years getting fucked up (five years is a long time to be sitting around not doing shit), then he had that heart attack (remember that shit?), then he spent the past couple of years getting himself, lest he look chubby with his shirt off. You know how they roll over at Interscope.

But of course his album’s not gonna be called Too Old to Kick It – it’s gonna be called Relapse, and it’s gonna be about how many drugs he takes. As if.

I actually had my own health wake up call this weekend, though I’m sure it’s not what you were hoping for. Even though I had a somewhat privilege upbringing, and now I pay for health insurance (which comes with a free doctor’s visit) out of my own pocket as an adult, I haven’t been for a regular check up since I was like, 13. I figured I was probably in decent health, since I usually feel fine, regardless of whether or not I should. Day in and day out, I do things that would kill lesser men, and I wake up feeling healthy as a fucking horse.

Before they put me under yesterday, they hooked me up to these machines to check my vital signs, and, wouldn’t you know, I’m fit as a fucking fiddle. I’m like Artie Lange back before he switched from coke to heroin. My old man, who’s run something like 30 marathons, said my blood pressure was better than his. Granted, he’s way older than I am. By the time I get to be 51, I might not be running anything other than my bowels – if I’m lucky. If I am fucked the fuck up when I get older, hopefully I’ll at least have the sense not to pretend like I’m still young. I doubt I’d be fooling anyone.

[1] As one of the few white artists allowed on the cover of Vibe, he should be aware of his privilege.

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