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Drake: Best I’ll Ever Blast

Word? Niggas is totin iron to the Drake Drizzy show now?

I thought Drake’s set was supposed to be where the ladies could go, see a little high-yeller poplock action and sing along to their favorite hip-pop melodies with their gurrrrlfriends in relative peace. Who knew they’d be in danger of getting shot in the ass by one of the Cool Kids.

Consider this warning heeded. I’ve snapped out of my dream world where I fear not the pseudo-hipster rap fan. Apparently, they’re as dangerous as the aspiring trap stars at OJ Da Juiceman’s shit. I grew up on the philosophy that suggests one should never underestimate the man next to him. But, I just never thought there was any room for a hand cannon in a pair of skinny jeans. At least, not enough room for someone to carry one around unnoticed. You’ll definitely blow the assassination attempt running around looking like double-dong Wesley Pipes out there. Most cops can tell when a nigga is holding if he’s wearing a windbreaker, let alone a Venom-tight douchebag uniform.

Hmmm. Maybe dude Plaxicoed himself trying to tuck the neener into the Levi 501 waistline.

If that weren’t the case. I know what happened. Some nigga sang the chorus to “Best I Ever Had” in the wrong direction, prompting the unsheathing of ye olde feather trigger. Fellas, that Drake shit is powerful! Relationships are being built in high schools all over the world on the basis of, “Shawty, you my e’ythang. You all I ever wanted./ We can do it real big! Bigger than you ever done it.” Of course, by this your average 15 year old means he’s gonna blow his allowance on some girl’s skates, admission, onion rings, large Coke and post-rink frozen yogurt, but the shit still Plies.

[Blogger’s Note: “Plies” as a contraction is in the Merriam-Webster jawn by now, right? I mean, if “bling bling” is in there…]

I digress. So, yeah. Don’t sing that Drake shit to chicks you don’t know. You might catch a designer limited edition multicolored Ed Hardy slug in the middle of your skinnies.

Okay. Let me stop. I know what really happened. I’m sorry, Charlie Murphy. I’ve been having too much fun.

Word on the street is a couple of crazed Drake fans were re-enacting Degrassi. However, instead of bringing an unloaded BB gun as planned, the fan portraying Rick Murray had his girlfriend slip her father’s loaded .32 caliber Beretta into his man purse. When the fan portraying Jimmy Brooks turned around to run away in slow motion, his ass cheek was greeted with an unexpected hot one.

Questions? Comments? Requests? Performed the Andy Griffith Show theme lately?

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