Select crab meats

Yesterday, I reviewed the ridonkulous new Rick Ross album for my own site. In the interest of not exerting too much effort on a Friday afternoon, and also in the interest of not offending anyone other than maybe Rawse himself (you guys know I get a little bit emotional during tax week – XXL doesn’t withhold), I’m gonna run down a list of my five favorite quotes from Deeper Than Rap, many of which were excerpted in my review.

1) Song: “Mafia Music;” Quote: “Used to run the streets, young nigga, bare feet. Now I’m in the suites and I’m eating crab meats.”

I know a while back, one of you fruits wanted to know which song it was where Rick Ross brags about how many crab meats he eats. I knew I’d heard him say it, but I wasn’t about to go digging through the guy’s oeuvre to find the specific reference. I suppose I could have consulted the Google. Come to find out, it’s the very first song on the album. There’s also an hilarious video, in which there’s visual evidence of just how many crab meats Rawse consumes. That’s probably where I heard it in the first place.

2) Song: “Magnificent;” Quote: “Ain’t nothing on my back but the delicast of fabrics.”

I excerpted this line in my review primarily to give you, the consumer, an idea of just how clumsy can be with the lyrics. On the one hand, he can be surprisingly articulate. Case in point, him being one of the few rappers evar to use the phrase “thus far” in the chorus of his songs. Which I suppose could be viewed as evidence of that year he spent in college before he became a prison guard. But he’s obviously a lot more concerned with describing the opulent nature of his lifestyle than he is with making sure his words actually rhyme. Or making sure they’re actually words, for that matter.

3) Song: “Yacht Club;” Quote: “I’m into fried fish with a slight lime twist.”

Has Rick Ross mentioned he’s into seafood? I can’t help but be reminded of when I read, years ago, that Big Pun won several hundred thousand dollars in the settlement of a personal injury lawsuit and ended up spending most of it at Red Lobster, of all places. He said he ate there once a day for… I can’t remember how long. Maybe a number of years. I wonder how Rawse’s seafood consumption would compare. I’m assuming he’s getting better quality shit than Red Lobster, but who knows. This is the same guy who bragged about eating crab meats as if doing so would require taking out a second mortgage on your house. And here he’s talking about fried fish, which doesn’t even have a particularly classy connotation. Not even that beer battered shit white people eat. Which is fire, by the way.

4) Song: “Usual Suspects;” Quote: “I don’t owe you niggas nothing. Throw two fingers when you see a nigga coming. “Black Phillip Drummond, limousine or the Hummer.”

Listening to this one, I couldn’t help but wonder how long Rawse has been waiting to refer to himself as the black Phillip Drummond. Probably since 1983, right? It just goes to show his age. Even though he’s relatively new on the scene, Rawse has got a good five plus years on yours truly. And it’s not like I’m the youngest dude on the Internets, though oddly enough I might be the youngest blogger for this site. I’m sure at least a few of you have no idea who the fuck Rawse is talking about. Also, it goes to show just how hamstrung Rawse can be in bragging about his wealth. It’s obviously he’s spent most of his life sitting in his mom’s basement, eating McDonalds, watching Diff’rent Strokes (nullus), and wondering what crab meats taste like.

5) Song: “All I Really Want;” Quote: “Who can hit it more faster? I’m talking authentic orgasms.”

About half way through, Deeper Than Rap all of a sudden becomes all about fucking. Rawse, who should never so much as mention sex, lest I happen to be eating at the time, starts bragging about his sexual prowess. As if I’m really supposed to believe no one can hit a broad faster than him. I’m pretty sure I could hit a broad faster than him. Even if we’re roughly the same size, I’ve got the age advantage. His knees might not be very good anymore. Didn’t he used to play football? I was only on the football team for one week, freshman year of high school, before I could even get in the yearbook picture. Then there’s the fact that I can’t imagine any woman being turned on by listening to Rawse talk about fucking. Maybe Foxy Brown, but that’s because she’s crazy. Even before she pretended to be deaf, and got beat up by those hoo-ers, and what have you, there were rumors that she had personal hygiene issues. Which is usually a dead giveaway. I can only imagine what it smelled like when her and Rawse got busy.

  • Pierzy

    I can see this dude standing by the stream trying to catch a fish like a bear. HA!!

    Considering what seafood smells like, I have to believe that dude stinks 24/7.

    • jburg

      HA ha ha LMAO bout the bear joke!!

    • Dub Sac

      That’s fucking hilarity, P!

    • MONEY

      Pierzy is the gayest fucking name thus far. Get the fuck out of here with all that white boy analasis

      • Pierzy

        So much hate…and spelling mistakes. But mostly hate.

        • macdatruest

          So much hate…and spelling mistakes. But mostly hate.= BURN lol good one

  • tommy gunz

    classic post…well done…and..”I can’t help but be reminded of when I read, years ago, that Big Pun won several hundred thousand dollars in the settlement of a personal injury lawsuit and ended up spending most of it at Red Lobster, of all places.” =LMAO for real

  • General

    LMAO at you calling him “suprisingly articulate” for using “thus far” in one of his hooks.

  • mo

    say what you will ross got the best album of the year

  • http://xxl All Dae

    This is the funniest post I’ve ever read. Even the comments have me rollin…

    Ross is doing his job entertaining us….

  • RiZob

    its all funny and ha-ha, but real talk, that album if fucking FUEGO!!!! Ross wins….

  • $ykotic

    “Now I’m in the suites and I’m eating crab meats.”

    I think his seafood fetish IS women!

    Def Jam trying to make the girlie formula work for Ross.

  • LOL

    You missed when he said he made out with like 8 broads

  • LOL

    *Masturbatin’ at the top*

  • OG Matt Herbz

    Damn, them are some dope lines… The good news for the rest of the album is that they could ONLY get better. So there IS hope…

    –OG Matt Herbz–

  • Apollo Moses

    Hilarious post. What makes the difference for Ross is bangin production and beat selection. Easy to ramble on about that “opulent” lifestyle.

  • chitchat

    LMBAO @ this post and all these comments. The phrase “crab meats” alone makes me think Rawse smells like doo-doo

  • Illegal1

    hahaha, good post. I also enjoy seafood, however, to a much smaller scale than Raws. Is there anyone in the Continental US who doesn’t fux with the biscuits there?? anyone?.

    I also heard the CD and not very impressed, looks like the only good album in the last few months has been Jada.

    I’m pretty sure that if Raws EVER tried to sex a bitch faster than 2mph he would have a heart attack, fall on the bitch and kill her.

    • OG Matt Herbz

      What up, Killa?

      You’re right, I think everyone in the US fux with the Cheddar Bay Biscuits…but only upper-echelon niggaz like us know you gots to go to the actual Cheddar Bay to get the freshest shit. Niggaz ain’t even know, mang.

      –OG Matt Herbz–

      • ez

        OG I heard your moms cooch smells like cheddar bay biscuits and you smell like a wet dog, the typical smell of dirty white people. I bet your cracker ass drinks milk with every meal too.

        • Capital G

          Wet dog?! There that shit goes again! I keep trying to smell white people to get a general idea of where this comes from. Am I missing something? Just for clarification, is it ALL white people or just a portion that I’m missing. People are gonna think I’m tripping trying to inhale cracker fumes.

        • squadwildin

          Capital G you had to grow up around white kids to get the smell. Their hygiene gets better as they grow up so it might be hard to catch the scent…unless you start hangin around 8-year old birthday parties and shit. But crackas do love they milk…

  • Yayza

    Ross is such a joke, I can’t believe there are people who actually like this guy. He named himself after a dude who’s STILL ALIVE. The real Ricky Ross is coming out of jail this year.

  • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com Tony Grand$

    Ugh. Seafood AND you know a husky dude like that sweats when he eats…….

    Probably makes everybody @ his local Hometown Buffet earl in their bottomless shrimp basket.

  • geico lizard

    Fat guys and fat girls are rumored to try harder in bed and to be more grateful for sex according to that new hot doctor on “Scrubs”. Ross was trying to lay the path for you to get more stank on your hanglow Bol.

  • geico lizard

    “Money aint a thang bitch that’s a lie it only controls every bitch that’s alive”-Rick Ross

    ^
    Thats my favorite line off the recent songs he has dropped. You have to watch some of these women closely.
    *kisses megamillions lottery ticket*
    *looks forward to tricking on a video ho after he wins*

    • http://www.myspace.com/Lyrik07 L-Y, NawfWestSide

      LoL. co-sign that Ross line.

  • http://www.rizzleworld.blogspot.com allnice

    I know this is Rawse and 50 WWE type promotion shit but its not as good for the so called Bawse cause now everyone knows his true cop lameness. Yeah forgive and forget but I was never into his music and these lame lines about food prove it.

  • Master Cheef

    cosign yayza.

    i watched a video of this nigga at his listening party as he introduced the songs. He had his sunglasses on in a dark ass room. His voice was shaking and you could hear the shame in it, the shame of a man who knows he is living a lie and is nothing like what he claims

    Has anybody noticed all those lames actually quit calling “first” every post?

  • sealsaa

    Like I said, i’m just hoping that he outsells 50 so that his little internet STANS will have to live with the fact that their lord and savior was beaten by a fraud.

    • http://www.myspace.com/Lyrik07 L-Y, NawfWestSide

      Damn, LoL.

  • Jhon da Analyst

    Bawse!!

  • foolio_iglesias

    Name one rapper of his status that wasn’t slightly delusional.Crab meats?Plural?Shellfish nowadays be mercury laced anyway.Delicate fabrics?Like Sea Island cotton?Faux-sachee?Seersucker?Whaat?!Ross is another typical partially literate dude that raps just like he thinks,and therefore, talks.Which rarely translate to greatness in rap.Give him a break,then break him off a piece of the Maine lobster tail..

    • Tony Grand$

      Maine Lobster tail…….

      Please, that shit wouldn’t be nothing more than a salty ass Now & Later to dude.

      Platter proportions mandatory

  • BIGNAT

    “I can only imagine what it smelled like when her and Rawse got busy.” Nooooooooooooo Bol you going give me nightmares

  • BIGNAT

    also deeper than rap best production in a long time the beats are crazy. the rhymes well umm did i tell you about how good the beats are.

  • tyson mike

    kid cudi users thus far in hes chorus of the biggest grinder

  • Jamal7Mile

    Anyone ever heard of The Lolboyz? Go to Youtube and play their parody song “Everyday I’m Hungry” for a good laugh. It fits this blog like a glove!

  • squadwildin

    why did Ross drop out of college anyway, just to become a C.O.? Had he have stayed, he might have literally become the down south Nas. Naw doubt it…excuse Ross’ delusions of grandeur

    • Jamal7Mile

      What’s up Squadwildin?

      I think Ross played football in college… like I’m thinking you do down in FL. I’m thinking he may have had probs with his grades, got kicked off the team and said to hell w/college. Academic probation is a bitch. Believe me, I’ve been there.

      That might be it, but only 50 Cent got the resources to find out for sure. Ross ain’t tellin’ what happened, LOL!

      Nuff respect to you Squad, whether you believe it or not, bro!

      • Jamal7Mile

        One more thing…

        I found out that Ross used to be called Teflon Tha Don (sp?) and he did work with Erick Sermon when E-Double broke out of EPMD and move to ATL to work with Jermaine Dupri at So So Def (ancient news).

        If I could, I’d research that.

        • squadwildin

          Academic probation?? shit i been there too Jamal. The first semester of freshman year is a BITCH. The hoes, the liquor, the freedom has you forgettin how to prioritize…QUICK

          But EPMD? how old is this nigga and how long has he Ross been around?
          This dude is one big mystery and I could never be a fan until he starts rhymin wit some honesty. It seems like he’s so ashamed of his past in all aspects.

        • http://www.myspace.com/Lyrik07 L-Y, NawfWestSide

          @squadwildin

          TriLL TaLk.

  • fastflipper

    I can only imagine what it smelled like when her and Rawse got busy.

    HILARIOUS!!!!!!

    classic quote !

  • Kabelo

    “Burn the house down/you gotta buy another/don’t forget the gas can jealous stupid mutherfucker” – Rick Ross (Mafia Music)

  • http://xxl All Dae

    I knew the comments were going to be hilarious.

    Forget the hate Ross is a good rapper.

  • Young History in the Making

    *Bawse’s album at best buy opening week(maybe)….$9.99
    *Comments on here….priceless lol

  • http://www.myspace.com/emcdlthemusicprofile EmCDL

    Ya’ll hillarious with the comments LMAO!

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