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Yesterday, I reviewed the ridonkulous new Rick Ross album for my own site. In the interest of not exerting too much effort on a Friday afternoon, and also in the interest of not offending anyone other than maybe Rawse himself (you guys know I get a little bit emotional during tax week – XXL doesn’t withhold), I’m gonna run down a list of my five favorite quotes from Deeper Than Rap, many of which were excerpted in my review.

1) Song: “Mafia Music;” Quote: “Used to run the streets, young nigga, bare feet. Now I’m in the suites and I’m eating crab meats.”

I know a while back, one of you fruits wanted to know which song it was where Rick Ross brags about how many crab meats he eats. I knew I’d heard him say it, but I wasn’t about to go digging through the guy’s oeuvre to find the specific reference. I suppose I could have consulted the Google. Come to find out, it’s the very first song on the album. There’s also an hilarious video, in which there’s visual evidence of just how many crab meats Rawse consumes. That’s probably where I heard it in the first place.

2) Song: “Magnificent;” Quote: “Ain’t nothing on my back but the delicast of fabrics.”

I excerpted this line in my review primarily to give you, the consumer, an idea of just how clumsy can be with the lyrics. On the one hand, he can be surprisingly articulate. Case in point, him being one of the few rappers evar to use the phrase “thus far” in the chorus of his songs. Which I suppose could be viewed as evidence of that year he spent in college before he became a prison guard. But he’s obviously a lot more concerned with describing the opulent nature of his lifestyle than he is with making sure his words actually rhyme. Or making sure they’re actually words, for that matter.

3) Song: “Yacht Club;” Quote: “I’m into fried fish with a slight lime twist.”

Has Rick Ross mentioned he’s into seafood? I can’t help but be reminded of when I read, years ago, that Big Pun won several hundred thousand dollars in the settlement of a personal injury lawsuit and ended up spending most of it at Red Lobster, of all places. He said he ate there once a day for… I can’t remember how long. Maybe a number of years. I wonder how Rawse’s seafood consumption would compare. I’m assuming he’s getting better quality shit than Red Lobster, but who knows. This is the same guy who bragged about eating crab meats as if doing so would require taking out a second mortgage on your house. And here he’s talking about fried fish, which doesn’t even have a particularly classy connotation. Not even that beer battered shit white people eat. Which is fire, by the way.

4) Song: “Usual Suspects;” Quote: “I don’t owe you niggas nothing. Throw two fingers when you see a nigga coming. “Black Phillip Drummond, limousine or the Hummer.”

Listening to this one, I couldn’t help but wonder how long Rawse has been waiting to refer to himself as the black Phillip Drummond. Probably since 1983, right? It just goes to show his age. Even though he’s relatively new on the scene, Rawse has got a good five plus years on yours truly. And it’s not like I’m the youngest dude on the Internets, though oddly enough I might be the youngest blogger for this site. I’m sure at least a few of you have no idea who the fuck Rawse is talking about. Also, it goes to show just how hamstrung Rawse can be in bragging about his wealth. It’s obviously he’s spent most of his life sitting in his mom’s basement, eating McDonalds, watching Diff’rent Strokes (nullus), and wondering what crab meats taste like.

5) Song: “All I Really Want;” Quote: “Who can hit it more faster? I’m talking authentic orgasms.”

About half way through, Deeper Than Rap all of a sudden becomes all about fucking. Rawse, who should never so much as mention sex, lest I happen to be eating at the time, starts bragging about his sexual prowess. As if I’m really supposed to believe no one can hit a broad faster than him. I’m pretty sure I could hit a broad faster than him. Even if we’re roughly the same size, I’ve got the age advantage. His knees might not be very good anymore. Didn’t he used to play football? I was only on the football team for one week, freshman year of high school, before I could even get in the yearbook picture. Then there’s the fact that I can’t imagine any woman being turned on by listening to Rawse talk about fucking. Maybe Foxy Brown, but that’s because she’s crazy. Even before she pretended to be deaf, and got beat up by those hoo-ers, and what have you, there were rumors that she had personal hygiene issues. Which is usually a dead giveaway. I can only imagine what it smelled like when her and Rawse got busy.

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