Rihanna Takes Beenie Man’s “Umbrella”

Rihanna, I tell you. When Chris Brown hear about this, he gonna be messed up!”Beenie Man (Di Girls Dem Sugar), Live at Digicel Barbados Reggae Festival

International reggae and dancehall superstar, Beenie Man, doused Rihanna’s remaining wounds with an entire bottle of Blue Mountain Jamaican curry powder this past Sunday at the Digicel Barbados Reggae Festival. During his set at Reggae on the Hill, a concert he and Buju Banton headlined to culminate the week-long music fest, the King of the Dancehall presented the crowd, which included Rihanna, with his ode to the Bajan beauty and the beatdown she endured.

After somehow convincing Rihanna to join him on stage, Beenie serenades the starlet to the tune of “Umbrella”.

“Me nah have no fancy car/ But me nah give you no scar./”

He inappropriately continues:

“I am a real badman from Jamaica./ Rihanna, you come from here./
But, me ah want to know you./ Have you under my umbrella./”

In a sorely misguided attempt at consolation, the nigga publicly humiliates Rihanna not only by unexpectedly discussing the altercation she’s surely not allowed to address, but by making repulsive sexual advances such as telling the crowd where he plans to put his own “humbrella”.

Readers, be warned. This is not how you get your “humbrella” into someone’s “humbrella older”.

Thanks, Beenie Man! Thanks for mortifying Rihanna in her homeland and assuring that she’ll neeeeeever ever ever ever ever ever [see: Smokey, Friday] accept another call to anyone’s stage. If you’re a performer with aspirations of bringing Rihanna to your side at a performance someday, thank di gyal dem sugar for officially taking a DG Kola Champagne and Ting piss all over the dream.

This shit show comes after Beenie Man allegedly insists, “A idiot ting whe Chris Brown a do,” according to an account on Caribbean “ooman” blog, Islandista. While she couldn’t possibly have expected a fucked-up “Umbrella” cover, there’s no way I’d have been on that stage following a comment like that.

Below is a special message to Beenie Man written in our super-secret voodoo speak:

Beenie,

‘Ow yuh fi hengage hinna fuck’ry like dat, bossman? Yuh know from long time whe dis gyal ‘affi hendure. Den yuh a gwon an chat bout how yuh go push yuh plantain hinna she gungo rice and peas? Blooooooodclaaaaaaaaaaat! Dat nah go ‘errrk! Me nah cyare a how much ratchet an ‘matic yuh chat bout cyarry inna yuh bumbaclot mafia chune dem. Yuh muss go back a Barbados an beg a bly!

Di wholla yard yuh hembarrass lass weekend, y’know.

Real ting,
Ron Gorgon
Di Bloodclaaat Gen’ral

Questions? Comments? Requests? Got a secret crush you plan on surprising at the school talent show this year? ron@ronmexicocity.com Mek me show yuh how fi dweet proppa, rude mon!

  • Pierzy

    “At Beenie Man’s new dating website you’re taught to insult the girl you’re interested and bring up painful memories in an attempt to break her down so that you can take full advantage of her. All for $19.95…and a hookah!”

    • Bobo D

      “How can I mek luv to ah fella in a rush”

      NO HOMO.

      Yo, Ron I hope you gonna speak on the whole popeyes incident on your show today. Was it a plan by white america to show black peoples asses getting rowdy over chicken, or was just because of the economy?

    • WOW

      u need to get a life

  • PARIS PERSHUN

    MEXICO MAN DOES IT AGAIN…. THAT “SPECIAL MESSAGE” IS BY FAR THE FUNNIEST SHIT I EVA READ ON HERE….. @PIERZY YOU FORGOT TO GIVE OUT THE WEB ADDRESS… I THINK ITS http://WWW.DEMLICKASHOTFADEMGYAL.COM…...

  • http://xxlmag.com yung gee

    bennie man shot the fuck out! that nigga funny as hell. chris b ain’t gonna like dat. he too pussy all he gon do is run it run it..

  • OG Matt Herbz

    Man, the only thing I know about Jamaica is that when DMX visits, little kids come running up and tap pistols on the car windows. Shit’s ill, yo.

  • PARIS PERSHUN

    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
    WOW EXTREMELY FUNNY AS FUCK ASS BELLY REFERENCE

    GREAT JOB…… KUDOS AND ALL DAT SHIT!!!!!

    • $ykotic

      You 2 by far drop some of the funniest comments daily! Keep bringing the goodies!

    • yoprince

      yo sun.. chill out.. that “wow” wasn’t necessary.

    • Smel

      Thank youuuuu, Captain Obvious.

  • Justice4All

    Man, this is hilarious!!! I spit coffee on my company keyboard (they’ll dock me next week), and yes we do drink the free coffee for 7 hours straight a day, did I mention it’s free?

  • sealsaa

    @ Ron Mex

    Were you really expecting even the slightest bit of subtlety from a guy who made a song about hanging lesbians from trees?

  • DETROIT

    HEY RON,

    DIG THIS MAN, THIS IS THE FUNNIEST SHIT YOU’VE EVER WRITTEN! I KNOW THAT I’VE SAID THAT BEFORE, BUT FUCK THAT, NOTHING TOPS THIS ONE!

  • Lowedwn

    Wheeeeeeeeel it back selecta….oh my god, that was hilarious. Mexx you know you done lost more than half the people reading this when u hit em with patois, but that shit was clownin. And who is Beenie to talk, when he got “Chirs Brown’d” by Bounty at Sting a while back?

  • DV8

    STUPIDDDDDD!!!!!!!!!

    LMAO….to fuckin funny!

    @ Bobo D What happened with Popeye’s?

    and how come all the Popeye’s commecials have black people in them (that chicken lady is a trip). I see white/asian/mexican mufuckas up in there too. I dont know how I feel about Popeye’s going pop (as in popular culture).

    • Bobo D

      Popeyes ran out of chicken during the $4.99 special and some (black) folks decided it was time to act stupid on camera, check WSHH there should be a video or two.

      If they wanted fried chicken so bad why not go to KFC. Flava Flav been known to take dates there, so it sure must be a classy place.

      • BIGNAT

        nah kfc new thing is the grilled chicken. the fat guy at my job think he eating a little better by eating grilled chicken. i am like fool it’s grilled chicken from kfc you idiot. come on now you know folks get angry when you run out of chicken.

        a couple weeks ago when i went to boston market and they was out of chicken. they don’t tell you until you get to the front of the line though. i think if you run out of chicken you should close the fucking door. once they told me that i yelled to everyone behind me they out of chicken. they asked me if i wanted a turkey sandwhich fuck your turkey. when i left most of the people left with me cussing them out.

      • DV8

        Oh yeah my mom went last week and had some stories to tell me about it. Traffic backed up as far as you can see, people arguing inside and outside of the restraunt. All over some chicken. SMH…Popeyes was not prepared for this shit.

  • BIGNAT

    LMAO ron ron been watching to much shottas FUCKERY MWHAHAHHAAHAH

    • http://www.ronmexicocity.com Ron Mexico

      1. they really say that down there.

      2. PROPS for remembering that scene!!!

      “FUCK’ry!!!”

      • http://tonygrandsamblogspot.com Tony Grand$

        Lol Mex….as usual.

        I used to date this broad whose G’mom spoke Patois (splchk). I never knew if she was asking me if I wanted more plantain or telling me to stop having sex with her granddaughter. The only thing I understood was “burn up” & “banana”.

      • BIGNAT

        once i saw shottas i put fuckery into my vocab.

  • poisenivy520

    Make sure u look out for the anticipated the new cd by juice.

    iamjuice.ning.com

    get on that shit

  • Ya Boy

    Lol @ OG Matt Herbz Belly reference. That shit had me rolling. And Kudos on another hilarious post Ron Mex.

  • http://dasteamwerkmusik.blogspot.com The Bollocks

    “Den yuh a gwon an chat bout how yuh go push yuh plantain hinna she gungo rice and peas? Blooooooodclaaaaaaaaaaat! Dat nah go ‘errrk!”

    Never commented before, but DAMN this is fuckin hilarious. “push yuh plantain hinna she gungo rice and peas” is probably the funniest thing that has ever been said in patois, ever.

    Good shit, Ron, keep ‘em comin.

  • http://www.myspace.com/emcdlthemusicprofile EmCDL

    Damn Ron that shit was hillarious as always!

  • Foolio Iglesias

    “I don’t have no fancy car-”
    The fuck you been doin for the past 12 years!?
    Who the fuck was that pushin a Mercedes in Shottas or was that
    Dancehall Queen?!Ya nah right yunno!

  • http://mushroomingachalasia.blogspot.com Alton Ring

    If I had a dime for every time I came here… Superb article.