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Quarter Life Crises: Scourge of the beta male rap era

One of the few perks of talking shit about people on the Internets for a living is that I figure I can probably continue to do this until my fingers are too gnarled and arthritic to type anymore. And by then, I’m sure they’ll have some system where you can transmit your thoughts to the Internets automatically, through the power of telepathy – instahating, if you will.

I won’t have to worry about retiring at the age of 65, or maybe even before that, like a lot of people. Which is good, since I’m sure I’ll need the money. That is, unless I develop alzheimer’s, and I end up writing about the same shit every day. But I doubt even that would be much of an issue. If you notice, there’s hardly anything I’ve written about in the last year that I haven’t already written about three or four times. I might even start copying and pasting my old shit and giving it a new title, if I thought I could get away with it.

Bow Wow, on the other hand, might be screwed. He’s at the point now where it’s obvious he can’t continue to do the same shit he’s been doing his entire life, and he’s only 22. I can only imagine what that’s like. My dumb ass didn’t even graduate college until I was 23.

I guess Bow Wow had a new album come out the other day, and the shit underperformed. Dramatically. I don’t have the figures right here in front of me, and we’re at the point in the afternoon where I’m not gonna be able to consult Google, but I seem to recall reading that it sold somewhere in the neighborhood of 30,000 copies its first week out. Which seemed especially bad, since Jadakiss of all people sold 100,000 copies his first week out (even before XXL pulled this shit), and movies like The Fast and The Furious are making a mint at the box office. With the economy in the state that it’s in, people are that much more apt to spend money on bullshit. This should have been Bow Wow’s moment.

Maybe Bow Wow even figured it would be. You’ll recall that he announced last year that he was done with rap music, i.e. getting paid out the ass to spend the few hours it takes to recite the kiddie raps T.I. or somebody wrote for him. It must have been obvious even at that point that this would no longer be a profitable venture for him. Of course he told the media that his goal was to become the next Will Smith. Never mind the fact that he stands all of about five feet tall and hence wouldn’t make much of an action hero, unless they made a black version of one of those Spy Kids movies.

And Bow Wow did seem intent on asserting his manliness or whatever. I remember last year, or a couple of years ago, I wrote about that scene he did on Entourage where he was actually banging a broad. Obviously the idea was to announce to the world that Bow Wow is no longer a kiddie rapper. He fucks women now, and not just the 15 year-old girls who show up to his concerts and wait by the door out back to give him a blowski. They figured maybe grown women would see it and become as enamored of Bow Wow as young girls once were. Clearly, they were mistaken.

I can definitely sympathize with Bow Wow’s plight, being a grown man who often struggles to convince women to like him. I doubt grown women are feeling nearly as much as teenage girls did back in the day. And you have to think the emphasis on his career at this point has more to do with banging broads than anything else. The reason I know this is a) it’s only been six years since I was 22, and b) you’d have to think that Bow Wow’s got a little bit saved up from his teeny bopper days. If a guy like Bow Wow can’t retire at the ripe old age of 22, how can any of us hope to retire evar? As Bow Wow himself is apt to point out, he’s been in the rap game since he was five.

As such, I doubt Bow Wow has any problems convincing women to have sex with him. But he’s probably gotta do it the same way most guys do, i.e coming out of his pocket. Hence rumors that he’d impregnated Superhead, i.e. perhaps the ultimate fail in all of hip-hop, even more so than what Fiddy Cent did with Rick Ross’ baby’s mother. And while I doubt I’d be as upset about being confined to banging broads like Superhead the rest of my life (though I am hearing more and more about herpes in hip-hop circles), at least I’ve got this great outlet to vent. I’m not sure what Bow Wow’s gonna do. He might not have the education to become much of a blogger. He might even have to pay people to do that. Like Kanye.

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