Quarter Life Crises: Scourge of the beta male rap era

One of the few perks of talking shit about people on the Internets for a living is that I figure I can probably continue to do this until my fingers are too gnarled and arthritic to type anymore. And by then, I’m sure they’ll have some system where you can transmit your thoughts to the Internets automatically, through the power of telepathy – instahating, if you will.

I won’t have to worry about retiring at the age of 65, or maybe even before that, like a lot of people. Which is good, since I’m sure I’ll need the money. That is, unless I develop alzheimer’s, and I end up writing about the same shit every day. But I doubt even that would be much of an issue. If you notice, there’s hardly anything I’ve written about in the last year that I haven’t already written about three or four times. I might even start copying and pasting my old shit and giving it a new title, if I thought I could get away with it.

Bow Wow, on the other hand, might be screwed. He’s at the point now where it’s obvious he can’t continue to do the same shit he’s been doing his entire life, and he’s only 22. I can only imagine what that’s like. My dumb ass didn’t even graduate college until I was 23.

I guess Bow Wow had a new album come out the other day, and the shit underperformed. Dramatically. I don’t have the figures right here in front of me, and we’re at the point in the afternoon where I’m not gonna be able to consult Google, but I seem to recall reading that it sold somewhere in the neighborhood of 30,000 copies its first week out. Which seemed especially bad, since Jadakiss of all people sold 100,000 copies his first week out (even before XXL pulled this shit), and movies like The Fast and The Furious are making a mint at the box office. With the economy in the state that it’s in, people are that much more apt to spend money on bullshit. This should have been Bow Wow’s moment.

Maybe Bow Wow even figured it would be. You’ll recall that he announced last year that he was done with rap music, i.e. getting paid out the ass to spend the few hours it takes to recite the kiddie raps T.I. or somebody wrote for him. It must have been obvious even at that point that this would no longer be a profitable venture for him. Of course he told the media that his goal was to become the next Will Smith. Never mind the fact that he stands all of about five feet tall and hence wouldn’t make much of an action hero, unless they made a black version of one of those Spy Kids movies.

And Bow Wow did seem intent on asserting his manliness or whatever. I remember last year, or a couple of years ago, I wrote about that scene he did on Entourage where he was actually banging a broad. Obviously the idea was to announce to the world that Bow Wow is no longer a kiddie rapper. He fucks women now, and not just the 15 year-old girls who show up to his concerts and wait by the door out back to give him a blowski. They figured maybe grown women would see it and become as enamored of Bow Wow as young girls once were. Clearly, they were mistaken.

I can definitely sympathize with Bow Wow’s plight, being a grown man who often struggles to convince women to like him. I doubt grown women are feeling nearly as much as teenage girls did back in the day. And you have to think the emphasis on his career at this point has more to do with banging broads than anything else. The reason I know this is a) it’s only been six years since I was 22, and b) you’d have to think that Bow Wow’s got a little bit saved up from his teeny bopper days. If a guy like Bow Wow can’t retire at the ripe old age of 22, how can any of us hope to retire evar? As Bow Wow himself is apt to point out, he’s been in the rap game since he was five.

As such, I doubt Bow Wow has any problems convincing women to have sex with him. But he’s probably gotta do it the same way most guys do, i.e coming out of his pocket. Hence rumors that he’d impregnated Superhead, i.e. perhaps the ultimate fail in all of hip-hop, even more so than what Fiddy Cent did with Rick Ross’ baby’s mother. And while I doubt I’d be as upset about being confined to banging broads like Superhead the rest of my life (though I am hearing more and more about herpes in hip-hop circles), at least I’ve got this great outlet to vent. I’m not sure what Bow Wow’s gonna do. He might not have the education to become much of a blogger. He might even have to pay people to do that. Like Kanye.

  • $ykotic

    He looked so sad that he went termite wood! Retiring @ 22 to be broke by 30.

    Anyone else see a “Hollywood kid” story brewing?

    But seriously shorty got 7 albums in. Movies under the belt so he did the damn thing.

    Just amazing because college was never a choice…

    • DV8

      he could still go to school if he choose.

      but true he did have one hell of a career, but something tells me he will be back.

    • ko

      It seemed like yesterday when lil bow wow was jumping up and down on that couch in the gin and juice video.

  • Pierzy

    I’m just happy this wasn’t about Asher Roth somehow…

    But I’m sure Bow Wow has some cash saved. He learned how to handle his finances from Jermaine Dupri…err, never mind…

    • $ykotic

      LOL! My stomach hurts!!!

    • Shawty J

      “But I’m sure Bow Wow has some cash saved. He learned how to handle his finances from Jermaine Dupri…err, never mind…”

      LOL

  • General

    Don’t worry I’m sure Bol will have something about Asher tomorrow

  • sealsaa

    Apparently, he’s banging Rev Run’s daughter now (or has been for a minute). He could always get her knocked up, and sponge off of Uncle Rush for the rest of his life. Her snatch is basically his 4O1k.

  • geico lizard

    Bow weezy was beefing with a blogger so he is touchy about he record sales being so low. He will get into more into acting. The same way Common and 50 cent keep getting turned down for parts because they cant really act bow wow will be the 5th choice on the list.

    Bow wow can try flirting with tyler perry and he can end up on his tbs show or in one of his movies.

  • OG Matt Herbz

    I can somewhat relate to Bow Wow’s plight. I mean, dude’s in his 20′s and still looks like he’s 13. It probably will take some convincing to get someone his age to fuck him without feeling like she’ll go to jail for statuatory.

    Back in middle school, I had the exact opposite problem. What, with my perfectly trimmed goattee and occasional ‘stache to match, I’d find it tough (but not impossible) to get with a lil shawty my age. They’d wanna know if I could drive and if I could buy them cigarettes and shit, but I was only 13 and all I wanted to do was get my freak on. Then they’d play their games and act all shy when their mothers came and picked em up from school…then their mothers would eventually start hitting on me which got the attention of some of the faculty in charge of monitoring the parking lot… I was getting dome and passing grades from these women twice and thrice my age, but could barely get by with locking something down my own age perhaps only twice a week. Now, here I am in my late-twenties still getting trim from 20- and 30-somethings like ain’t a damn thang changed.

    Fuck Bow Wow, though. He can always reprise his role from Fast & Furious 3 as that dorky little nigga driving around in a bitch car getting his ass whooped by some pussy Japanese niggaz…

    –OG Matt Herbz–

    • ez

      You’re a fucking idiot and nobody believes you.

      • ez

        why do white people like OG love to over analyze the shit out of everything?

        • OG Matt Herbz

          I guess for the same reason that gay niggaz named EZ over-analyze my shit to the point that he has to respond TWICE.

          GET. ON. MY. LEVEL.

          HO.

          –OG Matt Herbz–

        • http://www.myspace.com/emcdlthemusicprofile EmCDL

          ethered.

        • ez

          I ethered your mom last night

  • sealsaa

    /\

    An interview was posted with Bow Wow on ThisIs50 the other day where Bow Wow claims to be sprung for Angie Simmons, so i’m guessing he’s already wise to my theory for a retirement plan.

  • capcobra

    bow wow mind as well retire and try to pick up where nick carey left off at.

    • Bobo D

      So many cougars to choose from…
      Whitney is taken by ray j so another L for bow wow.
      If he wants to make headlines he could go for Amy whinehouse.
      bow wow + amy= bow whiney?

  • latino heat

    Bow Wow ain’t going nowhere. like Bol pointed out he said the same shit last year. i was surprised when i went to Target a couple weeks ago and seen a new Bow Wow album, because i remember he supposedly “retired” from rapping to become a actor. this is just a ploy to get out of his Sony deal. he will pop up in a year or two on another major trying to be taken seriously as a rapper with curse words and all. it will be a tremendous flop then he will go away quietly to do god knows what. you heard it here 1st.

  • Enlightened

    That shit about him being a 5 foot action hero was funny, but on a serious note, dude obviously has an acting career if he wants it.
    Not saying he’ll get the big roles or an Oscar, but he can get at least as many roles just off his name and face recognition as most B list Black actors like the one dude I call the “East Coast thug.”
    I don’t know that nigga name but I just call him the “East Coast thug” cause he is in every East Coast gangster movie or TV show that was ever made. He was Weebay on the The Wire, He was LL sidekick in “In Too Deep”.

    Y’all know the dude. I’m sure he can have at least that successful of an acting career.

  • El Tico Loco

    If his rap career is done is his own fault, plenty of rappers start getting their skills up at the same age his career started. If you’re that deep in the game with a deal and all, wouldn’t you want to make sure your career is not based on ghostwriters and your image? Word is he has a trustfund but given his intelligence he might fuck that up somehow.

  • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com Tony Grand$

    Man, some of these cats need the better management. All it takes is the right publicity stunt & he’s back in…..

    A) it’s plenty of strung out white girls in Hollywood who could appreciate a non-threatening “rapper” as a ghetto pass. Take Lindsey Lohan to Roscoe’s twice; TMZ’ll be all in his shit.

    B) Get into some grown man bullshit. Punch a nigga @ the club then beat up the smallest security guard or release a video on WSHH talking about how much JD fucked him over with his cash; threaten his life & say Janet’s next (“I’ll show that bitch a mufuggin’ malfunction, y’eard?!”)

    C) Actually palm-slap Soulja Boy @ some gay tweenage concert with a weed holder on standby with the camera phone. Most hip hop fans will welcome dude back in just off of that. Hell, we may not care ever again how weak his “rhymes” are/were; just to see him do that, nigga might start doing collabs with Ice T, KRS-one, NaS. Open arms for dude @ that point.

    D) Go in exra on Fif. Hire ghost-ghost writers & just attack. Then, on some 48 Laws of Power shit, start hanging around with his son.

  • http://xxl All Dae

    Actually palm-slap Soulja Boy @ some gay tweenage concert with a weed holder on standby with the camera phone. (Taken from Tony Grand$)
    ———————————————–
    lol 4 real.

    Bow Wow is allight. He’s got dough and a career ahead of him. He’s 22 and can take a few years off to decide what he wants to do, I would like to do that.

  • http://xxl All Dae

    Has OG Matt Herbz and G-UNOT KILLA been seen in the same comment section?

    Maybe Herbz and KILLA is on some MF Doom-meets-Doom-imposter-in-concert type deal

    • OG Matt Herbz

      Never that. GUK’s got a West Coast slang that I can’t even imitate. I can see the similarities in our style, however. But, no, we’re not one and the same.

      –OG Matt Herbz–

  • http://xxl All Dae

    @ OG Matt Herbz

    Well homie your comments are live so keep doing you and dissin these asswipes on here lol… peace.

    Where’s GUNOT KILLA?

  • Shawty J

    Damn, Bol, you had me cracking up two paragraphs before you actually got on subject.

    Bow Wow announced he was retiring a year ago, so him taking an L isn’t even a big deal. He’s probably saying “Damn, I didn’t even chart. Fuck it, I’m done anyway.”

  • chillin manye

    dis shit was knee slappingly hillarious all the way throo to the last comment…ba ja ja.. bol had me giggling with this instahating concept and as i read on throo the article my giggles transformed into full fledged guffaws, which died back down into a hearty HAW HAW, then wen i got to tony grands and og herbz statements, morphed back into instances of roflmao, lols, and hee hees…oh lord, the goodness of it all!!

  • http://www.rizzleworld.blogspot.com allnice

    That’s the main problem with having a job. Unless you like what you do, the shit sucks. Rapping for Bow Wow just got boring plus you see lame niggaz coming up all about the cash and not about the actual music. And then the labels want to go into a new direction. So instead of fucking with that, he is young enough to quit unlike a Ghostface or somebody who is old and they whole life is invested in it.

    If he did get Superhead prego, no doubt good shit for him, she’s a real bitch blessed by the Lord. She make cash from stupid niggaz and her book. She got her own crib, cars, and can take care of herself. You can hit her off with that baby and she can take care of it herself. I tell real broads that all the time, I’ll give you a baby but I aint financially responsible plus I aint playing baby daddy. I can still be cool with the bitch though if she keep it real. Real talk Bow Wow prolly on that same shit if he fucking with a real bitch like that.