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Prince Bow Wow’s Farewell Address & Financial Advice

Fellow citizens of the Hip-Hop Nation, this nigga Bow Wow got an economic stimulus plan foe dat azz.

Did you think Bow Wow would retire without so much as a speech for his 17 loyal fans?

On the economy:

“It’s just a crazy time right now financially. A lot of people can’t go out and spend twenty dollars or $14.99 on a CD. That might have to be groceries now, or that might have to be money to put into a gas tank or a car or anything else, bus pass, whatever it is. So now it’s at a critical time to where people are just being smart and managing they money, which I can definitely respect. So for me, that’s why I’m glad that I sold all my millions of records.” -Bow Wow, Karmaloop TV

Bow Wow can respect people spending wisely. These days niggas can’t just drop fifteen bones on the worst records ever created when they might need groceries, gas or bus passes. A project like New Jack City II may have gone over better back at the turn of the millennium when Lamborghini Moss had his full-Venus Williams swagger going. People tend to buy frivolous, useless shit–like Bow Wow albums and Roombas–when they believe money grows on Chia Pets.

Little homie understands our plight! He knows we’re in the dog days of– Okay, sorry. I couldn’t help myself.

Music is a relatively cheap form of entertainment that should actually thrive during times of fiscal distress. The catch is that records have to be good! Who predicted Jadakiss selling 135K in his first week? None of the XXL staff, that’s for damn sure. While it’s true that sales are down across the board, not all music has been rendered unsellable. You just can’t peddle turd sandwiches anymore when niggas have to buy spinach, if anything at all.

Scrambling for excuses, Prince Nino also believes that his first Parental Advisory sticker may have something to do with decreased sales. You’ve got to understand, though. He’s always been cursing on wax! Bow Wow’s been a “motherfuckin hustler” since Doggystyle. The albums have just been edited. Silly listeners! Y’all must just be gettin into Bow Wow. He’s been–

Oh, who the fuck are we kidding? Ain’t a soul on earth JUST getting into some got damn Bow Wow. The problem is, the 12 year-old Bow Wow fan is now 20 and wouldn’t be caught overdosed with that New Jack Shitty Too anywhere near her dorm room. She’s moved on to T.I., not the “Fresh Azimiz” knockoff.

New Jack City II is the intended music-to-film transition that has come face to face with epic fail. Bow Wow painfully stammers on about how he only accepts acting roles that fit him “organically” [no D-Roc], like Nino Brown and Twinkie, the Japanese drift racer.

Negro, please. I got a movie foe dat azz. It’s a bio already slated to debut on VH1 in 5 years. I’m just looking for a more creative title than “Fresh Az-I-Wuz: The [Lil'] Bow Wow Story

Readers, please take note. This is what it looks like when you smoke up and get the rambles. Avoid doing so on camera. Myspace rappers, please take note. If you thought you couldn’t sell an album before, you might as well take your weak ass to school or some shit. It ain’t gonna happen for you until Obama finally makes it rain Tropical Skittles and unicorn jizz in this bitch.

Questions? Comments? Requests? Where my dogs at?

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