In everything going exactly according to plan, something isn't quite right. Welcome to Detroit, motherfuckers! Where dreams are born, starved and murdered in a drive-by on the Lodge.

Seriously. What kind of tournament finds all #1 seeds in the final four? A cursed one wraught with wretchedness!

Here are your Elite H8 results:

Midwest Final
#1 Yung Berg (59.3%) def. #2 Plaxico Burress (40.7%)

I have no words. I know Berg is the new Pussy Monster, but... Plaxico shot himself, dammit! This one should have at least been closer.

East Final
#1 Jim Jones (57.4%) def. #2 Chris Brown (42.6%)

I know some of you XXL woman beaters don't think what Breezy did is all that bad.

South Final
#1 Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em (53.6%) def. #6 Parlae (46.4%)

Parlae's magical run to the H8 comes to an end. He almost pulled that shit off, though. Soulja Boy needed every last bit of his supporters to push him into the semis.

West Final
#1 Rick Ross (63.4%) def. #2 Pacman Jones (36.6%)

I know Rick Ross and his crew are a walking embarrassment, but... is he REALLY a dumber nigga than Pacman Jones? Y'all are aware Pacman might not make a CFL team at this point, right? Not only did Rawse win, but he obliterated Pacman. This baffles me. Discuss.

The Final Four:

#1 Yung Berg vs. #1 Rick Ross

I'm so confused at this point, I can't even call it. Maybe Officer Ricky's winning the whole thing. Did Yung Berg's vaginal adventures secure him a trip to the finals? You people are clearly cruel enough to send Lil' Christian to Detroit again. Why should we expect him to leave the D anything other than butt-ass naked with a mouth full of foreign pubic hair? [VOTE @ WWW.RONMEXICOCITY.COM]

#1 Jim Jones vs. #1 Soulja Boy Tell 'Em

This too is a pretty evenly-matched tandem of dumb niggas. As great a late run Jonesey has had, Soulja Boy's consistency is only matched by The Berg himself. I'm riding with he who bird walks, chicken dances and thanks the white man for a chance to do it all. Jim's life imitates and surpasses art by not only attending court with marijuana eyes, but by tweeting about it to zoot... I mean, boot. Forgive me. [VOTE @ WWW.RONMEXICOCITY.COM]

Questions? Comments? Requests? Welcome to the Motor City!