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Weekend at Diddy’s

Sometimes, it’s important to give credit where credit is due.

I probably couldn’t get Rihanna to go out with me in the first place, even if I had a lot of money. Chris Brown, on the other hand, kicked the crap out of her and somehow got her to go back with him.

I’m not saying it’s right what he did to her, or that she deserves to have it happen again. If he does have to put his shoe on her again, I’m not gonna feel sorry for her, but I’m hoping for the best. I’m just saying. It would be nice to have that kind of sway with women. If it was possible, I’d definitely be willing to trade my slightly above average intellectual ability.

I wonder if this means Chris Brown is off the hook with Jay-Z. There was speculation as to whether or not Jay-Z was gonna have him killed, though it wasn’t clear to me just how possible that really was. If I was Chris Brown, I’d still watch my ass. Even if there isn’t much of a case for going after Chris Brown on priniciple anymore, there’s still jealousy to account for. Jay-Z was probably salty about Chris Brown even before he laid hands on Rihanna. The ass whoopin just set him off.

Also, if I was Chris Brown, I’d be wary of visiting the tiny island nation of Barbados. I’ve spent enough time on those islands, back when you were growing up in poverty, to know: them island ninjas don’t play. They probably didn’t like Chris Brown in the first place, because he’s light skinted. Then he had the sheer balls to rough up the best-looking woman that country ever produced. On those islands, there’s certain parts where they drop a lot of dead meat in the water, to keep the sharks away from the parts where people swim. That’s probably where they got rid of Natalee Holloway, once they got done with whatever they did with her. If Chris Brown gets caught down there, that might be where he ends up.

In case you’ve been living under a rock, or working like a hebrew slave in low-end retail for the past couple of days, it was announced the other day that Chris Brown and Rihanna have gotten back together. Word on the street is that they spent the weekend at one of Diddy’s houses down in Florida, having steamy, passionate make-up sex. Then afterwards, Rihanna got up and brought Chris Brown some orange juice in bed, like Nas used to do with his baby’s mother.

(Note: The bit about the orange juice is just speculation.)

Diddy didn’t mind letting them use his place, since he was off at one of his other cribs, trying to have sex with a woman for 36 hours straight. He had to stop after eight hours or so, because he was tired, and his leg was cramping, but not because he was ready to drop his load, Nick Manning-style. I guess all those years he spent dancing and that marathon he ran haven’t done as much for his endurance as you’d think. If you’re wondering how I know all of this, it’s because it was documented on Diddy’s Twitter. Um, nullus.

Meanwhile, we don’t know a whole lot about what Chris Brown and Rihanna were up to this weekend. I already said I made up the part about the orange juice, but I’m not sure if they actually had sex either. I just assumed they did, since that’s what I’d do with a woman, if I somehow managed to win her back after I very publicly kicked the shit out her. Plus, what else is there to do at Diddy’s house over the course of a weekend? Isn’t that why Usher went to live with Diddy, when he was a teenager, for the group sex. Lovemaking was almost certainly the reason Diddy offered them his house for the weekend. He’s probably got a lot of weird toys and candles and shit. I mean, you could fuck at a Days Inn. The sheets might even be cleaner.

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