The Jim Jones Guide to Douchebag Ettiquette
It’s going to be incredibly difficult to deny Jim Jones a top seed in the upcoming DDN Tournament.
Here’s what happens when you can’t pay your hotel bill. This is why Cam’ron doesn’t want to talk Dipset reunion and potentially jeopardize the comeback trail.
Let’s give Dirt Angel the benefit of the doubt and say hotel security gave him an unreasonably hard time for having one 1’2 Many niggas in his suite, as Common would say. I want all of you aspiring rapsters and superstars to pay close attention, as this is not how you handle such a situation.
Uncovering new levels of stupidity layered thicker than the grime on the back of his own neck, Jones gives a step-by-step book-let on how to look 600% more douche-like than with jackassery alone.
Step 1: Do it like you’re doing it for TV
The Harlem-based principle of outlandish behavior made popular during the Pastor Mason Betha shiny-suit era holds indispensable to this very day. Not only should you be prepared for the camera, but you should ensure that one is present before so as not to waste a WorldStar-worthy performance.
The camera also assures that, despite the most vicious tongue-lashing a d-bag can offer, no actual violence will take place.
[Blogger’s Note: Offer not valid on ghetto playgrounds.]
Step 2: Attack your opponent’s sexual orientation
This is a pivotal play in life and on record. Seriously. Do not attempt to come up with a rational argument or a point of discussion if you find yourself slighted. Make sure your opponent knows how much cock he wants to gobble. Assure him that you can readily identify the cockswaggler’s glare from years of experience with it, and that he shouldn’t deny his desires. Remember that homosexuality is synonymous with any and everything negative that you can’t readily express.
Step 3: Do not pay for anything
No matter what you may owe to any party involved, never pay for any goods or services rendered until your cameraphone-filmed altercation has been made public. Hang on to that cash as you may need another quarter pound of entirely-too-expensive New York weed to relieve the stress associated with being victimized by a group of homosexuals. Feel free to offer compensation to the nearest cockswaggler, but make sure to retrieve all funds before departure. Homosexuals usually have money anyway.
Step 4: George Jefferson walk (out of federal court)
While the line is accredited to Loon and the Sherman Hemsley appearance to Max B, it’s Jones who has mastered the haughty evasive maneuver. All wrongdoing can be nullified by a graceful and confident escape. Remember, it’s not how you start a dust storm. It’s how you finish.
I tell you what, If those security dweebs weren’t on-duty and on-camera, Jim Jones would have got beaten like your grandma-nana’s carpet, complete with rising dust cloud. Judge Mathis and Big Black would have taken a serious chunk out of that stanky legg. No “no homo.”
Can I get a real talk from the congregation?
Questions? Comments? Requests? Flying high? firstname.lastname@example.org