The Jim Jones Guide to Douchebag Ettiquette

It’s going to be incredibly difficult to deny Jim Jones a top seed in the upcoming DDN Tournament.

Here’s what happens when you can’t pay your hotel bill. This is why Cam’ron doesn’t want to talk Dipset reunion and potentially jeopardize the comeback trail.

Let’s give Dirt Angel the benefit of the doubt and say hotel security gave him an unreasonably hard time for having one 1’2 Many niggas in his suite, as Common would say. I want all of you aspiring rapsters and superstars to pay close attention, as this is not how you handle such a situation.

Uncovering new levels of stupidity layered thicker than the grime on the back of his own neck, Jones gives a step-by-step book-let on how to look 600% more douche-like than with jackassery alone.

Step 1: Do it like you’re doing it for TV

The Harlem-based principle of outlandish behavior made popular during the Pastor Mason Betha shiny-suit era holds indispensable to this very day. Not only should you be prepared for the camera, but you should ensure that one is present before so as not to waste a WorldStar-worthy performance.

The camera also assures that, despite the most vicious tongue-lashing a d-bag can offer, no actual violence will take place.

[Blogger’s Note: Offer not valid on ghetto playgrounds.]

Step 2: Attack your opponent’s sexual orientation

This is a pivotal play in life and on record. Seriously. Do not attempt to come up with a rational argument or a point of discussion if you find yourself slighted. Make sure your opponent knows how much cock he wants to gobble. Assure him that you can readily identify the cockswaggler’s glare from years of experience with it, and that he shouldn’t deny his desires. Remember that homosexuality is synonymous with any and everything negative that you can’t readily express.

Step 3: Do not pay for anything

No matter what you may owe to any party involved, never pay for any goods or services rendered until your cameraphone-filmed altercation has been made public. Hang on to that cash as you may need another quarter pound of entirely-too-expensive New York weed to relieve the stress associated with being victimized by a group of homosexuals. Feel free to offer compensation to the nearest cockswaggler, but make sure to retrieve all funds before departure. Homosexuals usually have money anyway.

Step 4: George Jefferson walk (out of federal court)

While the line is accredited to Loon and the Sherman Hemsley appearance to Max B, it’s Jones who has mastered the haughty evasive maneuver. All wrongdoing can be nullified by a graceful and confident escape. Remember, it’s not how you start a dust storm. It’s how you finish.

I tell you what, If those security dweebs weren’t on-duty and on-camera, Jim Jones would have got beaten like your grandma-nana’s carpet, complete with rising dust cloud. Judge Mathis and Big Black would have taken a serious chunk out of that stanky legg. No “no homo.”

Can I get a real talk from the congregation?

Questions? Comments? Requests? Flying high? ron@ronmexicocity.com

  • damu

    don’t hate
    that’s real gangsta shit
    stop sippin that kanye shit and do the chris brown thing,ya dig

  • dhari

    ballin?

    • yoprince

      LMAO. that’s what i’m thinkin too like damn, when you have long money, you stay at any hotel you want and make as much noise as possible.

      i guess jim isn’t the rock star he so desperately wishes he was.

      • http://www.ronmexicocity.com Ron Mexico

        or, at least you just pay when you get kicked out… and not in cash… and not take it back.

        nigga look he had a moment of clarity as soon as that cash left his hands.

  • black

    Fo’real i really don’t get Jenny, does he really think that acting that way ppl will consider him ”real” or ”gangsta”?
    The only thing ppl think when they see him is when is this dude gonna take a bath and clean the fuck up? And yeah Ron if those ”dweebs” weren’t on duty and on camera they would have fucked him up Rampage style.
    Cam better leave that dirtdevil alone and let him die slow.

    • DV8

      co-sign that. Hopefully Cam is aware that he doesnt need Jim at all. Everything Cam has released in the past few weeks smashes everything Jim has ever done. Classic case of Destroy and Rebuild.

      • http://www.ronmexicocity.com Ron Mexico

        co-sign the co-sign,

        cam’ron hasn’t been this focused since confessions of fire. i’m really diggin all of it so far, and i was never a big dipset fan.

        • amar

          cosign the cosign of the cosign

          have u seen the new g’s to gents? there’s a hobo dude on the show who sounds like dmx and looks like jim jones. He’s literally a hobo…jim jones obviously is as well…

        • http://www.myspace.com/emcdlthemusicprofile EmCDL

          co sign the co sign THE CO SIGN of the co sign, making one huge ass CO SIGN LOL

          I haven’t been feeling Cam since his S.D.E. shit (you know , when he was hungry?). Shit starting to sound tight now for real

  • DV8

    the sad thing is that Dirt Angel is totally oblivious to just how much of a douche bag he actually is. I guess his antics is part of having “swag” as he likes to say. Jim reminds me of the girl in the club who gets clowned something awesome and then blows up the spot to try to save face.

  • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com tony grand$

    Mex, you give “laugh out loud” actuality, holmes.

    “Step 2: Attack your opponent’s sexual orientationThis is a pivotal play in life and on record. Seriously. Do not attempt to come up with a rational argument or a point of discussion if you find yourself slighted. Make sure your opponent knows how much cock he wants to gobble. Assure him that you can readily identify the cockswaggler’s glare from years of experience with it, and that he shouldn’t deny his desires. Remember that homosexuality is synonymous with any and everything negative that you can’t readily express”

    Wow. Words of wisdom (pun intended) for the XXL commenters, ay Mex?

    • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com tony grand$

      Oh yeah, almost forgot…..

      Real talk.

    • http://www.ronmexicocity.com Ron Mexico

      i mean, it’s just a general rule of life. gay = bad.

      example: “that’s so gay!”

      • squadwildin

        I feel like Jimmy did a nice job of pieing that hotel manager. It was funny. Being called gay is an insult….and gay does equal bad……

        Who likes being called a dicksucker and admitting to taking it in the ass? why do you think so many faggots spend their life in the closet all their life.

        Hoes dont even like being called dicksuckers so you can imagine how it feels to be called one if youre a “man”

  • chitchat

    lmao. Max does look like George Jefferson

  • Pierzy

    “I’m ballin’ for real, you’re pump fakin’ it…”

  • escobar9300

    BAAAAAAALLIIIIINNN…..oh wait…..nevermind….my bad Jimmy…

    hahahaha this broke motherfucker just played himself hard on this one. Keep killin ‘em with that ether Ronnie!

  • DA TRUTH

    the sad thing is if we would have talked to homie boy with respect and acted like h had sense. the manager might not have tripped and worked with him. Now hotel managers everywhere are going to unite to ban jimmy.

  • anutha_level

    yea, i saw this bullshit yesterday. real tough talk from a scab with 4 or 5 other niggas with him. guaranTEE he wouldn’t have been so disrespectful if he was alone or if it would have been 2 on 2. reeeal tawk

  • http://www.xxlmag.com jackpot

    Jim Jones is a scum hole.

  • OG Matt Herbz

    Is that how “real niggaz” check out the hotel? Yeah, well since when? I pick up the room phone, hit “0,” tell ‘em to bring my car around, charge the shit to the Black Card, and send a nigga to my room to help me with the luggage.

    Now here’s the tricky part: You send your girl down to the Starbucks to pick you of a Iced Cafe Mocha and a blueberry muffin and while she’s away, you have maybe 3 minutes with the señorita from housecleaning before the bell boy gets there. After you zip up, get her to give you a fresh Wall Street Journal from the middle of the stack, then mean mug the bell boy to avoid him scuffing your $15,000 worth of Louis Vuitton luggage. You take the stairs down so you can smoke a doobie in the stairwell and by the time you bust out on the ground floor, the truck is out front warming up, the luggage is packed in the trunk, and Honey Dips is sitting real pretty in the passenger seat holding your drink…

    …fuck Jim Jones’ faggot ass.

    –OG Matt Herbz–

    • Master Cheef

      That is quite an exit.

      • Master Cheef

        Do you have to be white to be a white nigga or can you be a nigga who wants to be white in addition?
        if so I might want to get down.

        black boy swag, white boy tag. word to young dro.

        • OG Matt Herbz

          Unfortunately, yes, you must first be white to be a White Nigga–it’s the first rule in the membership pamphlet. Anything else is considered to be a “Fake White Nigga” and that’s simply just the worst fucking thing you could be. My organization is just establishing the ranks of niggaz who are white in the system that previous did not include them. We stomped into the middle of things in 2007 on Sohh.com and we’re not leaving yet. And although it appears that I’m the only member in existence on these blogs, I have sleeper cells that hit up all the pages I do, but under the radar. Should we need to form an E-sit-in on this muthafucka due to racism, they’d be here…all of them…flooding these pages with peaceful antidotes on why White Niggaz should not be discounted in hip-hop. Also check for my Asian Niggaz but watch out for them Middle-Eastern Niggaz–things haven’t been the same between us since Sept. 11th, 2001. Hold it down…I’m out.

          –OG Matt Herbz–

      • squadwildin

        Master cheef, why would you want to be a nigga that wants to be white. That has to be one of the most ignorant things i’ve heard all week. You coon ass nigga

        you know wat we call niggas that want to be white? Uncle Toms. change your user name immediately. I dont want to see a “Master Cheef” comment on this shit from here on out.

        • DevoG

          master cheef = michael steel

        • Master Cheef

          just jokes, my niggas. just fuckin wit the white boy.

          black boy swag, white boy tags

          squad child, you couldn’t get an anonymous poster to change his name, much less Master Cheef. GTFOH

        • squadwildin

          Master Cheef, the key word is “BLACK BOY SWAG” so wanting to be white cancels that out.

          stop listening to songs, then goin around quoting shit without even knowing the meaning

        • squadwildin

          The Key word you mentioned, Michael Steel, was

          “BLACK BOY SWAG”. wanting to be white means you don’t have a black boy swag; much less any swag at all, for wanting to be something you ARE NOT.

          stop goin around, listening to songs, then quoting shit without knowing the meaning. It makes you look worse than what you already are….AN UNCLE TOM

        • Master Cheef

          cocksucker, I know you feel like the man cause you are the only dude on your cheerleading “squad” at that gay ass college you go to.

          what part of jokes don’t you understand.

          I am a strait up nigga = black boy swag
          pimped out in ralph lauren = white boy tag.

          I do not want to be white. I said something to get the white boy to leave another funny comment, something you have never done.

          Go suck a dick, bitch. You are not an intellectual like you would so love to believe.

        • Master Cheef

          if you will look closer, fuckboy, i told matt herbs that was quite an exit, such an exit in fact, that it would make someone even as mad niggarish as myself to consider fucking with a white nigga which was the whole point of the joke.

          We know his comments are fictional, so it is not to be taken seriously.

          Sometimes on these comments, you have to note the sarcasm, but little bitches like you get butt hurt way too easy top appreciate any humor.

        • squadwildin

          A.) how you know i go to college?

          B.) you probly know wat college i go to, so then you can definitely agree that UF is definitely not gay.

          C.) You wearing Polo from Marshall’s clearance rack((the factory variants that didnt make the cut to be sold in an actual RALPH LAUREN STORE)) does not count as being swagged out in POLO.

          D.) You “coaxing” matt herbz into leaving more comments is gay in itself…trade numbers and listen to him tell jokes all day over the phone if thats the case.

          E.) I am intellectual. no point in arguing this

          F.)You describing yourself as “MAD NIGGERISH” is blatant coonery off top: Thus, the reason why I [and i'm guessing] half of the XXL commenters consider you an UNCLE TOM.

          “G”) Something you’re not. stop acting like it just cuz youre anonymously commenting over the internet.

          H. The line between your sarcasm and UNCLE TOM FOOLERY is a blur…make that shit clearer next time. Dont fault me for your mistakes and inability to deliver a joke effectively….THANKS

          *****Although it may seem unecessary to apologize to the other XXL commentators for this argument between myself and Master Cheef, I will any way.

          However, I did feel a need to put an Uncle Tom in his place. Its 2009, slavery’s been over for some time now; Racism still exists, but hey we got a black president and the coonery and the holdin of massa’s hand has to stop. Lets do better from here on out. Hopefully this comment should do the trick in disposing of this FUCK NIGGA*********

  • Apollo Moses

    I’m glad security didn’t chin check is dirty ace out. My grandma always said make sure you wear clean drawls just in case you have to go into the emergancy room. The Doo Doo butter sure to be streakin down the fruit of goon, Jonsey wears would’ve set off the sprinkler system.
    How old is this guy? And is that really gangsta? Sugarhill?

  • $ykotic

    Homey’s payment plan was definitely faulty.

    Great evidence for trial.

    • http://www.ronmexicocity.com Ron Mexico

      oh, yea. if anybody pressin charges of any kind…

  • BIGNAT

    hahahaha he called him a dweed

    • BIGNAT

      I FUCKED UP I MEAN DWEEB

  • BIGNAT

    i mean DWEEB

  • http://xxlmag.com Kane Corleone

    Now see this is that bullshit,cuz real talk I woulda smacked the dust off that nigga .Security betta be wit yo ass 24/7 .Dudes real tuff wit big ass bodyguards and shit,fuck that all u do is lock on to that nigga in front talkin major shit give his ass 6 elbows to his face while his crew hit u wit 12…make that hoe pay for it. And for the record I like Jim .

    • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com tony grand$

      I had to go watch that shit.

      “Give it back, now you can say you got robbed, faggot!”

      Gtfoh. This dude is surrounded by like 6 big niggas, yapping like a chihuahua. Damn, tell ‘em why you’re mad, son. He probably acted like that his whole stay. I hope somebody spit in his room service.