Snoop Dogg: Welcome back to Dogg After Dark. Y’all know I was on my pro-black, uplifting shit this past weekend. I’m just glad I get to conversate for a minute with my big nephew-uncle Minister Louis Farrakhan.
Minister Louis Farrakhan: Thank you, Brother. It’s mighty fine to be here. *eyes wandering at scattered azz*
SD: Now I heard you been having health issues, my nizzle. How you holdin’ up tonight?
LF: Praise be to Allah. I’m doing fantastically well, brother. And I’ll keep doing well for as long as Allah provides the strength to do his will.
SD: Chuuuch! That’s what a nigga like me talkin bout. If you wants, I gots some of them holistic medicines untapped by the white devil if you need. Matter fact– *to Nick Cannon* Yo, Nephew! Brang Minister Farrakhan some of that YAK! That NEW Henny. Yeah. That XO shit.
LF: Brother Calvin, you know I don’t partake in the white man’s poison.
SD: Nigga, I ain’t talkin bout Desperate Housewives. This just some Henny.
LF: Alcohol is poison to the mind and body. It was put here to destroy our minds and our communities.
SD: I been meaning to ask you about that, Minister Farrakhan. Because I done seen Malcolm X and Brother Denzel was definitely drankin and wearin fly suits and shit. And ain’t you the one who gave him the nutmeg spliff in the jail showers?
LF: Brother Calvin, I have never seen this movie of which you speak.
SD: I understand. *winks at Farrakhan* Them zoot suits and whiskey and shit is a touchy subject. You shoulda seen how I used to dress. You remember the “Gin and Juice” video?
LF: *sighs* Not particularly. No.
SD: I got on this hot-ass hockey jersey in the middle of Long Beach and I’m drinkin that Seagrams shit. Now I’m livin that Boss Life, ya smell me? You like Bombay Sapphire?
Nick Cannon: One ‘yak and *assuredly* DIET Coke for Minister Farrakhan.
SD: Chill, nephew. The Minister ain’t drankin tonight. It must be Malcolm X birthday or some shit.
NC: No problem. I’ll just give this one to Mariah. *walks a couple booths down*
Mariah Carey: I know you didn’t just bring me some shit you brought over for some other nigga. *tosses drink into Cannon’s face* Now bring me a Hennessy with diet coke.
SD: *to Farrakhan* *laughing* Oh, shit! Mariah just tossed that Henn—excuse me, white man’s poison, all up in Nick Cannon’s shit!
LF: That’s unfortunate, Brother.
SD: I got that chronic too, if you want it. I know the white man ain’t have nann nothing to do with this shit.
LF: I choose not to pollute my body with the poison.
SD: Damn. I’d have thought a bowtie-wearin, 12 bean pie-eatin nigga such as yourself had to be smokin somethin. Oh, well. More for me. *puffs*
LF: I’ve actually had to cut back on the bean pies of late. *longingly* Oh, do I miss them. They’re the official snack of social change, you know.
SD: So yea. What we was talkin about? Oh, yeah. I wanna thank you for that Image Award y’all gave me the other day, too. That was some cold-ass shit.
LF: Brother, I didn’t give you an Image Award. You know that was the Nation of Islam’s Saviours’ Day—
SD: That wasn’t no Image Award?! Nigga, how the NWACP gone have a nigga come up to the podium and shake all them hands and not get no Image Award?
LF: Brother, we’re not the NAACP. We don’t have any Image Awards to give out. You are both the image and the award for the young brothers and sisters who look up to you.
SD: Then why you took my damn thousand dollars if y’all ain’t givin out no Image Awards?
LF: We assumed it was a donation of good faith on your behalf, Brother Calvin.
SD: I want my thousand dollars back. This is some bullshit. Damn. I thought that shit was in the bag this time.
LF: The prophet Muhammad says that—
SD: Uhhhh, check it out. With all due respizzle, my nizzle… If you bout to say something all heavy and religious, I ain’t gone remember that shit. Just letting you know now.
LF: I see. *looking worried*
SD: What you think about that Chris Brown situation?
LF: I believe Brother Chris and Sister Rihanna need to get married and build that ever-important foundation of the black family that has been lost.
SD: You alright with Chris Breezy all beatin on a bitch and what not?
LF: I believe that a wife is to serve her husband and needs discipline from time to time, but I don’t know enough—
SD: I knew that’s why I fucks with you! You on that pimpin shit, aintcha?
LF: I denounce the lifestyle you refer to as “pimping” our proud sisters—
SD: What about white bitches? I got a stable from Diego to Sac Town just ready to lick a nigga ass, or tickle a nigga balls or whatever. They down for that money, ya dig?
LF: *frowns* *silence*
SD: Yeah. Heh heh heh. White bitches. *exhales smoke cloud*
LF: Will you excuse me, Brother Calvin? I need to find the restroom.
SD: Oh, hell yea. Hold on a second, cuz. *to Nick Cannon* YO, NICK! MAKE SURE AIN’T NOBODY IN THAT MEN’S ROOM, CUZ! THIS NIGGA FARRAKHAN BOUT TO BLOW THAT MAWFUCKA UP WITH SOME OLD BEAN PIE, COLLARD GREEN & HAMHOCK SHIT!
LF: Brother Calvin! *looking sternly*
SD: MY BAD! I MEANT BEAN PIE, COLLARD GREEN & NECK BONE SHIT!
LF: *to himself* I can’t do this anymore. Allah, forgive me. *walks into dancefloor crowd* GET YOUR HAND OUT OF MY POCKET, MAN!!!
Paid Dancer: Oh, shit! Farrakhan’s got a—
NC: CHAIR!!!! SNOOP, GET DOWN!!!
SD: *seeing chair in slow motion* Git da fuck outta here. *exhales*
NC: *leaping in front of Snoop* NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
<Farrakhan bolts down staircase as Nick Cannon bleeds profusely from forehead>
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