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Rick Ross: Baker to the Stars

Ah, yes. I’m familiar with the premise. It ain’t my birthday, but I got my face on that cake.

Rick Ross, the Big Boss Man to hip-hop’s WWE-style programming, continues in his quest to ingratiate himself to the public. Heeding Mr. McMahon’s advice, Officer Ricky has taken to developing video interludes of his own to be shown before the Slim Jim and Stacker 2 commercials.

Big Ross Man’s attempt to taunt arch rival and Intercontinental Champion, Pimpin’ Curly, leads him to a local novelty bakery where he purchases an Isaac Hayes cake that’s been sitting on the shelf since the season 3 premiere of South Park.

Self-etherization ensues from the moment Ross pushes “REC.” However, the awkward punchline delivery, ancient Shaft cake and inability to bite therein only add piss to the proverbial gravesite.

All Curly has to do now is invoke the catchphrase of his favorite MC.

“Nigga, I looove you too! What make you think pimpin ain’t got no loooove for a nigga? *sprays activator* I love you like a fat kid love cake.”

Before this display of niggardry, it had appeared as if Rawse could win his battle on the strength of music alone, as 50 doesn’t appear to have the resources for combat on that front. Instead of releasing a little more “Magnificence,” Ross joins in on the video fuckery, engaging 50 in his natural element.

While Ross may look like a sedated silverback in the cakey clip, he’s not properly trained for “gorilla” warfare. This is exhibited by his wittiest play being the destruction of a self-effigy cake, something 50 is now likely glad he doesn’t have to do himself.

Negro, please put the fuckin cake down. Get in the studio. Stay there. Take solace in that last moment of self-assurance. Hoes do still wanna fuck. Make some new coke cartel anthems. Stay fly. Get money. Kill and fuck bitches.


Questions? Comments? Requests? I’m killin e’ythang in plain view for my riches.

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