Who else was kinda hoping someone would make an hilarious rap song about Chris Brown beating the crap out of Rihanna?

I'm not saying it's right to put your shoe on a woman (a man, sure), even if we know for a fact that she started it. I'm just saying. The shit already happened. We might as well have a little fun with it.

To date, I've counted four rap songs that make reference to the Rumble in the Lambo. None of them are quite what I was hoping to hear, and it's obvious most of them are just bum rappers trying to gain some fame behind a media scandal. But even the worst of them, I've found, are good for a healthy chuckle.

Below, I take a look at the four Chris Brown and Rihanna rap songs I've heard so far. My bad about not having any audio samples. This guy named Brendan who used to work here was gonna teach me how to upload mp3s, but that's been such a long time ago I can't even remember what year it was. You might try consulting Google.

Without further ado...

1) Big Kuntry - Chris Brown

I've been informed this guy is one of TI's machine gun wranglers. As such, I was hoping this would be an angry southern rap song about how his girlfriend ate all of his cornbread or whatever, and so now he's gonna have to give her a black eye. Alas, this is a song about he wants to fuck a woman especially hard. The chorus goes, "I'm trying to Chris Brown that pussy. Beat out ya frame!" It's not unlike that Yin Yang Twins song from a few years back. I remember, people would go on about how misogynist that was, when I didn't find the actual message of the song that misogynist. But that was probably mostly just feminazi types, who recoil at any use of the term beat in reference to a woman. True story: My cousin actually played that song at her wedding reception.

2) Ghostface Killah - Message from Ghostface

Listening to this song, it was hard for me to tell if it was recorded specifically in response to the Rumble in the Lambo. He mentions Rihanna at the beginning, and then again at the end, but the song tells a story that doesn't seem to have anything to do with Chris Brown and Rihanna, other than that it deals with domestic violence. And I notice it samples a song that was big back during the height of the neo soul era, i.e. towards the very beginning of this decade. So I wouldn't be surprised if this was left over from Bulletproof Wallets, and never got used due to sample clearance. Anyhoo, this is easily the best rap song of the bunch, being Ghostface and all, but it's hardly ignorant. If I wanted to hear someone sympathize with Rihanna, I'd watch Oprah.

3) Maino - Murdergram 2009 ft. Red Cafe and Uncle Murda

As you might have guessed from the title, this one isn't actually about Chris Brown and Rihanna, or even domestic violence in general. It's just that usual, boring NY gangster rap - the kind of shit Kay Slay plays on his show on Sirius, when he's not copping a feel from a pr0n star. Which of course is entirely useless over the radio, but I can hardly blame the guy for using his position in the media to his advantage. I'd feel a pr0n star up while writing this post, if I could. Anyhoo, here's the operative lyric, courtesy of Maino himself: "Chris Brown, damn right, I beat a bitch." Um, yikes. Given the fact that he's admitted to paying for more abortions than he can even remember, you have to wonder if he's even joking.

4) DJ Rick Geez - Chris Brown That Trick

There isn't a whole lot I can say about this one, since it's Baltimore club music. It's basically just teh ghey house music, like the Jungle Brothers back before we knew for a fact that the Native Tongues are a fag band, with some guy saying, "Chris Brown that trick," ad nauseum. There aren't any actual lyrics to dissect or anything. I guess there's the fact that it's probably played in a lot of teh ghey clubs, and you know how they say a lot of fruits hate women. Like, that football player Jay-Z shares an apartment with supposedly has a number of domestic violence charges out in Kansas City. I wonder if him and Jay discussed the Rumble in the Lambo. If they did, he probably had to pretend to feel sorry for Rihanna.