Lil’ Kim & The Death of Chrihanna Coverage

I’ve tried to do right by you good people and keep the Chris Brown & Rihanna fuckery to an absolute minimum. Unfortunately, where there’s an enormous cow of a story, there are a million and one media whores reaching for its udders.

Lil’ Kim, yesterday’s NP hero now securely entrenched into the annals of this week’s trash media cycle, has finally caressed the Chrihanna debacle with her lifeless, desensitized synthetic breasticles.

“In the beginning, yes I did go back… (but) I learned that if it’s continued abusive, you just can’t stay there. When guys are young, they make mistakes. Nobody’s perfect, but, if they do it more than once, then it’s definitely a habit” -Lil’ Kim, WENN via Bossip

That’s right, ladies. Always give your abuser a second chance. If you survive the second or third assault, consider the behavior habitual. Pack up your Organic Root Stimulator, Dr. Miracle products and 3 year-old son, Ty-Ty. Go directly to grandma-nana’s. Do not pass Mart 125. Do not collect $200.

Unfortunately, the “Crush On You” star isn’t the only hip-hop-flavored former celebrity with something to say on the matter:

“There’s no excuse to hit a woman… Ever. Not even in a movie role, because you might really like it. And then what?” –Terrence Howard, The Tyra Banks Show

“I don’t think we should really be judging on Chris Brown like that until we know what Rihanna did. We all got reasons for what we do. Look at me. I’m one of the top 10 performers of all-time. I had to beat this one mermaid ass in a seafood restaurant over some shrimps. No lie. You just never know.” –Coolio, Ron Mexico City

“I talked about Chris Brown and Rihanna first. Okay, maybe not the first, but the reporters like what I had to say better. I was gonna be on Inside Edition and everything until this bitch had to come around and make it all about her. You know? As usual… I’m sorry. What did you ask me?” -Charli Baltimore, XXLMag.com

“It’s not really a man or woman thing, nah mean? I goes for mine, baby. It don’t really matter. Name the spot. I’ll make it hot for you bitches. Female rappers too. I don’t give a fuck, boo.” –LL Cool J, XXLMag.com

“Who, Rihanna? Yea. I’d definitely beat.” –Black Rob, Making The Band 5 Preview

“At the end of the day, Chris Brown is just doin how the slave masters told us. And at the end of the day we gotta thank them for giving us all this opportunity, you know? I don’t wanna say hittin on women is right or nothing like that. I’d rather kiss on em, but through the phone because I don’t know where all they mouths done been.” –Soulja Boy Tell’Em, World Star Hip Hop

“Chris Brown is one of them bichasniguz. Ain’t nothin’ worse than a bitch-ass nigga. You ain’t never see me smack up Brandy or none of these wild model bitches that stay around me, right?” –Fredro Starr, Hood Niggaz DVD Series via Bossip.com

And the beat goes on, just like my blog. It’s everlasting. Honestly, I’d rather report nothing at all than to weigh in on the desperate and asinine commentary of relevance past and dying. For the rest of you, hopefully this satisfies your Chrihanna cravings for all time.

Questions? Comments? Requests? Wanna know why I couldn’t include Sir Mix-A-Lot’s commentary? ron@ronmexicocity.com

[Blogger's Note: With the execption of the Lil' Kim lead, the above quotes are parody. Shake my head if you thought otherwise.]

  • clovito

    you should point out that these are fake quotes ’cause, sadly, they could very well not be. esp black rob

    • chitchat

      Lol. I thought the Terrence Howard one was real!

    • http://www.ronmexicocity.com Ron Mexico

      clovito, baby. no equal, baby. tell the people. now i’m legal. nigga, we go crazy!

  • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com tony grand$

    Faf as usual, Mex. You kill me with the re-enactments! Halfway through, I was trying to guess who it was before I got to the end! Roffle.

    “Who, Rihanna? Yea. I’d definitely beat.” –Black Rob, Making The Band 5 Preview

    Lmao!

    • Jamal7Mile

      What up Tony?

      I gotta admit, Mexx got me!! My jaw dropped lower and lower after each quote until he said “gotcha suckas!” and said that the quotes were a parody.

      I guess Mexx is SHH at me right now (aiight man, you got me), but after all the craziness in the entertainment field this year alone (ie. the latest 50 vid on missinfo) I needed a “gotcha” at the end!

      Thanks for the laugh, Mexico!!

      • http://www.ronmexicocity.com Ron Mexico

        y’all are most welcome.

        what’s good, pretty tony?

  • B

    Off topic: What the hell happened to Billy X. Sunday? Did XXL take him out to pasture?

  • Bobo D

    “Rihanna can’t sing first of all so Chris probably got irritated and start doing his ‘urban youth’ dance moves and that’s how she ended up like that” Bobo D, after accepting Nobel Piece Prize.

    Nah but on the real I’ve played “captain save a hoe” once before, this dumb bitch use to get beat up by her man, so *in DMX voice* ”my man’s and them” got involved in at one stage. To make a long story short the chick never pressed charges, she went back to the dude and kept getting her ass beat. That will teach me. So I don’t really give a fuck what happens between Chris and Rihanna.

    P.S. It must be snowing in hell cause I’m sure we’ve gone a week without a post about Diddy or Kanye.

    • http://www.ronmexicocity.com Ron Mexico

      i called my cousin who still lives there. nope. no precip as yet.

  • Rob the Music Ed

    What up Mex?!?
    You forgot Diddy’s quote.
    “Man when these bitches be acting up I tell ‘em ‘Take that, take that, take that’”

    Oddly enough Mystikal gave the same exact quote.

    • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com tony grand$

      You should’ve put that E-40 quote in there;

      “Nah mangadale! Theez bootches by tweakin, gotta cross a ‘t’ & dot a ‘i’ sometime or the next, smell it? Gorilla pimpin’ playboy, a lip get pop like a collar, fa sho doe! Fonzarelli take a two piece to da dome like Churches, even the deacon gotta get da grease off his fingernails, YEEE!”

    • http://www.ronmexicocity.com Ron Mexico

      oh, i sooooo should have. but i was trying to keep to a theme of irrelevance. unfortunately, diddy still qualifies.

      • DevoG

        Creative post as usual Mex. I would like you to do one about dude from the Tampa Bay Bucs, whose girl stabbed him in the neck, and threw some scissors at his head. I ain’t heard Oprah, Ellen, Puffy, Kanye, or Roger Godell speak up on this. She damn near “Ray Caruth-ed” that man; and she was only 19.

  • scoobysnax

    Mex yous a fool!

    And why did I actually believe the first one was real (until I read all the rest of them.)?

    • amar

      i did too lol

  • Curtis75Black

    Ron, You’s a Damn Fool lol !! You know there’s gonna be a Stupid ass that’s going to believe those quotes were actually said. Much respect though for keeping the fun in Hip Hop !! You need a camera in front of you for shit like this.

    • http://www.ronmexicocity.com Ron Mexico

      heh heh. thanks!

  • yoprince

    LMAO at the terrence howard one

  • Pierzy

    I think the Coolio one was a real line and nobody can convince me otherwise!

  • OG Matt Herbz

    It’s just nice to know that with Lil’ Kim you at least have that option, you know? Like all the women I know’d stop fucking with me if I laid a hand on a single one of them, but it’s good to keep Kim around just in case you gotta vent one day and you don’t want to risk losing a classy chick.

    –OG Matt Herbz–

  • amar

    LOL i like the ll cool jay one. You forgot the lip licking though.

  • Curtis75Black

    @ Amar,
    I’m guessing you never the “I Shot Ya !” remix huh ?

  • Master Cheef

    what do you tell a bitch with 2 black eyes?

    nothing, you already told her twice.

    i will beat a bitch the fuck down. me and biggie don’t play that shit.

    • anutha_level

      that’s some funny sheit

  • BIGNAT

    “There’s no excuse to hit a woman… Ever. Not even in a movie role, because you might really like it. And then what?” –Terrence Howard, The Tyra Banks Show

    i thought terrance really said that hahahah

  • http://www.myspace.com/emcdlthemusicprofile EmCDL

    Damn Ron I thought them quotes was real! You a fool man! LMAO!

    “At the end of the day, Chris Brown is just doin how the slave masters told us. And at the end of the day we gotta thank them for giving us all this opportunity, you know? I don’t wanna say hittin on women is right or nothing like that. I’d rather kiss on em, but through the phone because I don’t know where all they mouths done been.” –Soulja Boy Tell’Em, World Star Hip Hop

    I really thought this was Soulja Boy talking LOL

  • anutha_level

    man, i wish black comedy shows were still in existence…you would be a definite candidate for writing screen plays/skits. if there was a such thing as a new school version of “in living color” or some shit. you could probably act out ALL of the shit in your archives mane…u need to hit up “saturday night live” my brotha.

    reeeel tawk

    great shit tho…as usual

  • chillin mayne

    jajajajaj…dat soulja boy qoute unqoute qoute had me rollin..jajajajaajja, u act a fool wit dis one ron “we gotta thank them for the opportunity” “id rather kiss on em, but throo the phone” jajajaja…priceless

  • Shawty J

    LMAO! Man, you killed, Mex for real. I agree with anutha_level these skits and interviews that you write would kill on a sketch comedy show or something.

    That Soulja Boy quote really had me rolling. It was so funny I came up with my own.

    Soulja Boy: “Real talk, I heard Rhianna kinda violent, though. I heard she used to fight her brothers when she was younger and shit, nigga. I heard she used to throw bottles at them niggaz. Like I said I really can’t call it. But if that bitch through a bottle on me, I’d Gucci Mane on that hoe. Naw, fuck that, I’d Superman that hoe, YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!”

  • joey

    fredro starr? that shit was outta nowhere. i bet half the 90s babies wouldnt know who the fuck he is.

    • joey

      and his wife is ridiculously hot.

      • http://www.ronmexicocity.com Ron Mexico

        i guess he found the per-fect-chick…

  • Smel

    “I’m hittin Rihanna right now”
    -Jay-Z

  • latino heat

    funny shit once again. the quotes had me going too until i recognized the LL verse. now i wanna see what Fredro’s wife look’s like. anybody got any link’s? ps. i think your per-fect-chick line went over people’s head’s.