I’ve tried to do right by you good people and keep the Chris Brown & Rihanna fuckery to an absolute minimum. Unfortunately, where there’s an enormous cow of a story, there are a million and one media whores reaching for its udders.
Lil’ Kim, yesterday’s NP hero now securely entrenched into the annals of this week’s trash media cycle, has finally caressed the Chrihanna debacle with her lifeless, desensitized synthetic breasticles.
“In the beginning, yes I did go back… (but) I learned that if it’s continued abusive, you just can’t stay there. When guys are young, they make mistakes. Nobody’s perfect, but, if they do it more than once, then it’s definitely a habit” -Lil’ Kim, WENN via Bossip
That’s right, ladies. Always give your abuser a second chance. If you survive the second or third assault, consider the behavior habitual. Pack up your Organic Root Stimulator, Dr. Miracle products and 3 year-old son, Ty-Ty. Go directly to grandma-nana’s. Do not pass Mart 125. Do not collect $200.
Unfortunately, the “Crush On You” star isn’t the only hip-hop-flavored former celebrity with something to say on the matter:
“There’s no excuse to hit a woman… Ever. Not even in a movie role, because you might really like it. And then what?” –Terrence Howard, The Tyra Banks Show
“I don’t think we should really be judging on Chris Brown like that until we know what Rihanna did. We all got reasons for what we do. Look at me. I’m one of the top 10 performers of all-time. I had to beat this one mermaid ass in a seafood restaurant over some shrimps. No lie. You just never know.” –Coolio, Ron Mexico City
“I talked about Chris Brown and Rihanna first. Okay, maybe not the first, but the reporters like what I had to say better. I was gonna be on Inside Edition and everything until this bitch had to come around and make it all about her. You know? As usual… I’m sorry. What did you ask me?” -Charli Baltimore, XXLMag.com
“It’s not really a man or woman thing, nah mean? I goes for mine, baby. It don’t really matter. Name the spot. I’ll make it hot for you bitches. Female rappers too. I don’t give a fuck, boo.” –LL Cool J, XXLMag.com
“Who, Rihanna? Yea. I’d definitely beat.” –Black Rob, Making The Band 5 Preview
“At the end of the day, Chris Brown is just doin how the slave masters told us. And at the end of the day we gotta thank them for giving us all this opportunity, you know? I don’t wanna say hittin on women is right or nothing like that. I’d rather kiss on em, but through the phone because I don’t know where all they mouths done been.” –Soulja Boy Tell’Em, World Star Hip Hop
“Chris Brown is one of them bichasniguz. Ain’t nothin’ worse than a bitch-ass nigga. You ain’t never see me smack up Brandy or none of these wild model bitches that stay around me, right?” –Fredro Starr, Hood Niggaz DVD Series via Bossip.com
And the beat goes on, just like my blog. It’s everlasting. Honestly, I’d rather report nothing at all than to weigh in on the desperate and asinine commentary of relevance past and dying. For the rest of you, hopefully this satisfies your Chrihanna cravings for all time.
Questions? Comments? Requests? Wanna know why I couldn’t include Sir Mix-A-Lot’s commentary? email@example.com
[Blogger's Note: With the execption of the Lil' Kim lead, the above quotes are parody. Shake my head if you thought otherwise.]