Who else, when they heard the news the other day about Akon’s weed carriers getting robbed by Suge Knight, couldn’t help but think, Well, at least it’s nice to know Suge’s still got it?
It’s been tough to watch Suge keep getting his ass handed to him by guys who wouldn’t have posed any kind of threat to him back in the mid ’90s. If I needed a reminder of the fact that I’m not 15 anymore, I’d try to rub one out more than twice in a day, thank you very much.
First there was that guy the barber, who didn’t strike me as being the kind of guy who could beat up Suge Knight (don’t get me wrong – the guy’s a fucking badass!), then he got the shit kicked out of him by one of Akon’s bag handlers, who was probably some scrawny African fellow.
What’s next, is Yung Berg gonna put a shoe on him?
Even my old man, who’s a big fan of ‘Pac’s All Eyez on Me (for whatever reason, it used to be in the jukebox at a place where he’d tie one on), mentioned to me the other day how Suge is now but a mere shadow of his former self.
This is usually the part where I suggest that Suge was put up to his latest shenanigans by a secret cabal of Jews living in a cave a few miles beneath the earth’s surface, but I don’t know. This could have more to do with him being broke than it does with him trying to repair his image.
Back when he got beat up by one of Akon’s boys, they said he was under the impression that one of Akon’s producers owed him money. Which I took to mean that he was probably trying to extort some money from one of Akon’s producers like he did Vanilla Ice way back when. He probably saw that video on World Star of Akon showing off his ridonkulous crib and his umpteen cars, and his old instincts kicked in.
It’s not like he could have loaned the guy some money, and he was coming back to collect. I’ve been doing stories about how Suge doesn’t have any money for about as long as I’ve been blogging for the site. The Washington Post even did a story about how Suge doesn’t have any money, and Suge doesn’t live anywhere near Washington.
Let me guess: Suge showed up to All Star Weekend thinking he could dangle one of Akon’s producers out the window and have him sign papers turning over the rights to a few of the joints he produced on Akon’s new album. But the guy saw him coming, and thought to himself, You know, this isn’t 1991. I could probably just punch Suge’s lights out like that barber guy did. And so he did.
So Suge sent some goons to the guy’s house to steal a shedload of jewelry, and a car, and a safe, which probably has a lot of money in it. As we speak, he’s probably in his backyard wondering how he’s gonna crack open that safe. Maybe if he took it to the top of a building and dropped it off. Now all he’s gotta do is find a building where no one will notice Suge Knight dropping a safe off of the roof. He might want to try Detroit.
If that really is what happened (I don’t want to accuse Suge of doing some shit and come to find out he didn’t do it), he might have tripped though. Forcing a guy to sign some papers is one thing – that’s what the entire music business is based on – but you can’t just go in someone’s house and steal some shit. That’s how OJ got caught up.
Suge better hope he doesn’t end up going to jail behind this. Everyone in the joint is gonna know he’s got a glass jaw. And you know what happens in jail, when a guy knows he’s got the best of you.