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I was told there’d be a riot

I keep hearing that this summer is supposed to be one of the hottest summers evar, with people rioting because the economy is so fucked the fuck up, and mofos getting thrown in FEMA concentration camps and what have you, but I’m not sure what to think.

I look outside my window, and all I hear is birds chirping and Mexican people doing whatever it is they’ve been doing to my neighbors house for the past two years now. (I wish they’d shut the fuck up. I might have to go over there dressed as La Migra just to scare them off.)

And these things don’t tend to be so premeditated. People don’t sit around thinking, Man, the economy’s at the lowest point it’s been since 2001 – maybe since the early 1980s. This might not even be cyclical. I see I’m gonna have to get me a free VCR. It just happens all of sudden, due to an unfortunate confluence of circumstances. Like, it was the hottest day of the year, and 5-0’s been tripping, and someone scuffed someone else’s Nikes. Next thing you know, kaboom!

We don’t know for a fact that this summer is gonna be any hotter than last summer. It could be remarkably mild. Let’s hope so. Ever since I hit my mid 20s, it’s like my balls can’t stop sweating. I might have to start coating my chode region in Johnson’s Baby Powder, as if I was, well, a baby.

Also, I’m never really sure the extent to which the financial crisis is affecting me personally. I see on TV where all of these guys who work for AIG are getting paid million dollar bonuses, from tax payer money, despite the fact that they just drove the company into the ground, and all I can think is: well obviously they didn’t get any of that money from me. I wouldn’t mind having whatever I contributed to that back, but I doubt it would so much as cause one of these TIs to not be able to get cheese on his Whopper. Which isn’t Kosher anyway.

The Dow could drop all the way down to zero, and my net worth, such as it is, wouldn’t take much of a hit. The good thing about only having $600 to your name is that you don’t have to sweat whether or not you’ll be able to get it out of the bank. You don’t have to fill out any special forms or anything. All they do is ask you whether or not you care if it’s all in hundreds. I like to get mine in smaller denominations, just because it makes me feel like I’ve got more money.

I’ve actually been thinking about conducting my own personal run on the banks, just in case. I’m just afraid that if I had all of my money in cash, I might be tempted to spend it all at once. Then I’d finally have to move back in with my parents for the first time since the 1990s (contrary to popular belief). Ladies, don’t take this as a cue to come jiggle yours cans in my face. I’m too vulnerable for that right now. I might do something stupid.

But I digress.

Speaking of doing something stupid, I see some ninja out in Oakland managed to take out four cops the other day. Two thoughts 1) Maybe the police in Oakland do need to be retrained. Busting a cap in a kid who’s unarmed and restrained on the ground is one thing, but how in the fuck is one guy gonna take out four cops? Was he literally a ninja? 2) Could this be a sign that this really is gonna be one of those hot summers?

Oakland is already pissed off, because of Oscar Grant. They didn’t even wait for the cop who killed him to be acquitted before they started lighting shit on fire, flipping over police cars and what have you. And that was in January! I’m not sure if the winters in Oakland are as harsh as they are here in the Midwest, but I’m sure it’ll be a lot “nicer” out by the time a verdict is reached in that trial.

As a matter of fact, the trial just started the other day, right as those four cops were being done away with. I’m sure there’s gonna be even more interest in the verdict, in the wake of the violence this weekend. Regardless of what happens, I can’t imagine this will end well. If the guy gets off, of course people are gonna be pissed. But if the guy does end up going to jail (where someone will probably rape him), the cops are probably gonna be pissed, too, especially now that they’re down four. They’re gonna be that much more apt to reach for the trigger, lest they accidentally grab a taser.

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