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Hipster rappers, consider yourselves warned

You get the idea that this hipster rap backlash isn’t gonna go away, if only because so many of us just aren’t gonna look right in tight jeans.

If I could get away with that shit, and if I thought it might be instrumental in procuring some stank for my hanglow, then yeah, I might have to cop a pair of tight jeans, if only order to trick a woman into having sex with me.

But you know how it is when you’ve got what doctors call a little bit of weight problem. Anything that isn’t fairly expensive and loose-fitting just makes me look like a homeless person, at best.

Truth be told, I enjoy a lot of these hipster rappers more than I do their detractors. I’m not gonna get on board completely until one of them actually makes an album that’s worth a shit, but I’ll take Mic Terror, for example, over that guy Mazzi, who was pissed at him for wearing a Rachel Ray terrorist scarf; and I’ll take Charles Hamilton over that bum freestyle rapper that ate him in a battle the other day.

That being said, I welcome this seemingly endless stream of hipster rap dis records, both as a man with a closet full of relaxed fit jeans, and as a fan of homophobic humor. As long as no one ends up getting shot, I’d say this is a healthy trend.

These hipster rappers might actually have cause for concern, though. The other day, a song called “How to Rob and Industry Hipster” by a guy calling himself Big City hit the Internets. You might have heard it in this site’s Bangers section. I posted the hilarious video to my own site.

In the beginning of the song, a version of Fiddy Cent’s classic “How to Rob an Industry Nigga,” Big City mentions that he’s an ex-con, and that, if he can’t make it in rap, he might have to go back to jail. Then he runs down this list of hipster rappers he’s gonna rob, and how he’s gonna do it.

There’s a picture of his ID card, from when he was in the joint, and this picture of him with a bunch of gully-looking Muslim dudes. He’s striking that pose people strike in prison, where they get down on one knee. Why, I’m not sure. I didn’t think anything of it when I first saw the video, the other day. I didn’t doubt that the guy had been in jail, but haven’t all rappers been in jail at some point or another?

Come to find out, this guy might have the most impressive rap sheet in all of hip-hop – way more impressive than, say, Fiddy Cent, whose only significant amout of time behind bars was from getting caught smoking crack, not selling it.

Check Big City’s bio, courtesy of Make Major Moves, which I’m gonna excerpt at length, so as to not spend much more time writing on a Friday afternoon when I’m, let’s just say, not functioning at 100% capacity.

A few years back he was on the cusp of signing with Will Smith’s Overbrook Entertainment, but the deal went sour when he was arrested for attempted murder. Released after six months due to a lack of evidence, Big City hit the streets again only to be arrested once more for, gasp, TRANSPORTING 2000 POUNDS OF KETAMINE OVER THE U.S. BORDER FROM MEXICO in what remains the largest Special K seizure in U.S. history. He was released on bail, and skirted the law for 18 months only to be found by authorities while in the throes of a month-long drug-induced coma. He woke up handcuffed to a hospital bed.

Game. Got. Real.

City spent time in five prisons in three different states for the drug bust, one of them Fairton where he was locked up with one-time associate Beanie Sigel. (He was in talks with Beanie just before his epic drug bust.) While there Beanie’s appreciation for City’s skills grew, and now he’s gone from Pennsylvania state property to Beanie’s label State Property.

Jesus H. Tapdancing Christ!

I don’t know if he sounds as genuinely gully as he does retarded. What he sounds like is a hip-hop version of that guy Ziggy from the Wire. But, lest we forget, Ziggy still shot those two guys for not giving him the right price on that Mercedes. My bad, if you have no idea what I’m talking about.

What do you fruits think? Could the hipster rap backlash actually lead to violence? Should the TIs give this guy a deal, just in case he’s serious about robbing Kid Cudi? Who do you think would win in a fight, this guy, or Double-O from Kidz in the Hall? Keep in mind, Double-O once ran in the Olympics, albeit for some bullshit country in South America.

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