All rappers should tour with strippers

Once, twice, or as many as six days a week, I have a job that involves me showing up to a department store at the ass crack of pre-dawn and counting all of the money in the safe, to make sure it's still there. Then I send most of it, less what they need to operate a cash register, to the bank.

It's dreadfully boring work, and it leaves my hands coated in this layer of gunk that I'm pretty sure is made up of equal parts cocaine and human feces. If it wasn't for the human feces, I'd try running my fingers along my gums, to see if I could get a slight buzz. They say most of the paper money in this country has cocaine on it.

Elliott Wilson-style sidebar: I remember, a while back, Elliott himself mentioned that he's never tried coke. I used to always say he was on coke, because his editorials always felt like he did a few rails before he sat down to write them. But he claims he's never once tried the shit. If that's true, it would seem like an awful waste, no? I'm not encouraging anyone to do drugs. I'm just saying. Maybe he has, and he just said he hasn't, because he didn't want his employers (at the time) to think he had any coke in the desk.

But I digress.

On the way to work, I heard Flo Rida, i.e. supposedly the most popular rapper in the country right now, was gonna be on. "Fucking sweet!" I thought. Last time Flo Rida was on, he brought Ashley Logan with him and he made it rain in the studio, while she pulled down her pants far enough so that you could see her incredible ass, and then she... you know, jiggled. It could very well have been the high point of the five or so years now since I got out of college.

I caught the very beginning of Flo Rida's segment, and it didn't sound like he brought any strippers with him. He had this guy named 4 Mill with him, whose job is probably to hold onto Flo Rida's weed, in case there's an issue with the police. I'm pretty sure that guy who was gonna beat up Yung Berg (back before it was all trendy) wasn't there. He must have stayed in Flordia to keep an eye on Flo Rida's house, in case Suge Knight tries to break in.

Then my boss showed up and I had to shut it off. The last I heard, they were talking about how Flo Rida got a lot of stank on his hanglow back when he was in high school. He was even voted most attractive guy. I don't think I need to tell you guys that I wasn't. Let's just say the girls at my high school weren't being as generous with their vaginae as they could have been. If only they'd known that I'd go on to be a very successfully. Oh, who are we kidding? They definitely wouldn't have wanted me in that case.

Fast forward to a few hours later. Not a few hours after I got out of high school. Like, a couple of hours ago. I was listening to the wrap up show, and I heard Flo Rida did make it rain again, this morning. What's more, he had two strippers this time, instead of just one. Alas, neither of them was Ashley Logan, i.e. perhaps my favorite white woman evar that's not... shall we say, conventionally attractive. Which is to say, in the vein of a Scarlett Johansson.

JD, the guy who DVRs a lot of stuff for Howard, was on, and he made it sound like it was well worth checking out. In particular, one of the girls' asses was described as being "just out there." I happen to know for a fact that JD is an ass man. Supposedly, he spends an insane amount of money per month on pr0n, I guess to look at cam hoo-ers.

One of the other guys on the wrap up show pressed JD about whether or not he was able to contact Ashley Logan after the last time Flo Rida was on. He admitted that the two of them texted each other back and forth for a while and that she invited him to her birthday party, but he didn't go. Man, did he trip. I caught some footage of it on World Star a while back, and it looked like - literally - the best party possible. If I ever manage to have any success at anything, I'm gonna throw a party just like. Otherwise, I guess I'll just go to a strip club.

They didn't replay that part of the segment on the wrap up show, but I can't imagine it would have translated very well to radio anyway. I'm definitely gonna catch it when it comes on Howard TV, in the next couple of days. Hopefully, for those of you who aren't fortunate enough to have digital cable and/or the $6 a month or whatever it costs for Howard TV, they'll post a clip from it over at World Star.

Anyhoo, the reason I bring this up is that it got me to thinking: If Flo Rida could take this show on the road, he might actually get me to show up. His music doesn't interest me in the least bit, but it'd be worth it just to watch him make it rain on a couple of stripper. Throw in copious amounts of alcohol and several other strippers for good measure, and you've got what could be the best rap concert possible - a sort of live-action rap video. I'm surprised no one else ever thought of it.

I suppose he could just tour actual strip clubs, like one of Nelly's weed carriers did a few years ago. (If you notice, St. Louis tends to stay on the cutting edge of men's entertainment, having also pioneered the uncut video.) But I'm not sure I'd like that would work as well. The venues might not be big enough. Plus, you'd run the risk of getting chased down the freeway and shot, as if you were T.I. Then the next thing you know, you're spending a year and a day in the pokey for building a small arsenal in your bedroom closet.

If Flo Rida doesn't like this idea, which he's free to take and pass off as if it was his own, hopefully someone else will. Maybe even someone I actually like. No homo. Which would even solve the problem of me not giving a shit about the music itself. Bonus!