Contact Us

You never know what you’ll catch

Chris Brown had to put his shoe on Rihanna? Say it ain’t so!

I know, this is only related to hip-hop in the vaguest sense. But for a lot of reasons, mostly having to do with the economy, you’re gonna have deal with it. You might consider approaching it the same way you deal with the cognitive dissonance that stems from being forced to see your favorite LCD rappers on tour with the likes of Chris Brown and Rihanna, where they belong.

I didn’t catch the Grammys, because I lead a lifestyle that will occasionally cause me to have to sleep through shit, and I knew as soon as I woke up, I’d have to wade through a see a videos and what have you of major label bums singing their songs no one really likes. As the late, great Chris Farley would say, whoopty frickin’ doo.

But wouldn’t you know, there was a story from the Grammys that actually struck me as interesting. I was checking Sandra Rose, and I saw was a story about how Chris Brown cold cocked Rihanna and had to go to jail. I consulted Google, to make sure it really happened, even though Sandra Rose speaks nothing but the truth (except when she’s complementing Tiny), and apparently it did.

Word on the streets is that Rihanna has been banging a rapper, who’s said to have been one of the performers at the Grammys last night (my guess is T.I.- they had a song together, right?), and he gave her herpes on her lip, and she’s been walking around the past few weeks now trying to avoid having it photographed. You know how often Rihanna gets photographed. And rightfully so, I might add.

I remember I once got a cold sore from a stripper. It was when I was still in college, and I was home on break. I took about $40 over to the East Side and tried to make it last as long as I could. Which is fucking tough, with some of them hoes over on the East Side. They’ll talk shit about you right from the stage, as they’re flashing their pussy in your face.

I passed my mom as I was walking out of the door, and she asked me where I was going. I told her the East Side, and I could tell she was upset, not because she’s a Mormon (where do you think I learned half the shit I write here?), but because she’s a woman.

The next day, I woke up at the ass crack of noon and went downstairs. My mom took one look at me and was like, “Is that a cold sore?” I felt my lip, and, damn, it was. I was lucky it went away that week. It must not have been actual herpes, but instead just from the friction of… erm, what happened that night.

But I digress. (Shout out to OG Matt Herbz.)

Chris Brown probably should have just dropped her like a bad habit, but from what I understand, he was being made to be seen with her for Grammy weekend, to keep up appearances, and so they could both get their names in the paper. If so, I’d see about getting the $50,000 in bail he had to post back from Clive Davis on GP. And I’d make sure he was actually giving it to me, and not just adding another $50,000 to the amount I have to make in record sales before I recoup. You know how these TIs do.

Imagine how tough it must have been for him to have to ride around with her all weekend, knowing good and well she’s been letting T.I. stand on a chair and give her the business (I’m just saying), with the cold sore as a visual reminder of just how much of a rube she thought he was. I’m not saying he was right to hit her the way he did. (He could fuck around and get herpes on his hand.) I’m just saying.

I wouldn’t even have agreed to be seen with her, but you guys know the level of pride with which I carry myself. Alas, that’s why I blog for a living and could never fuck Rihanna in the first place.

Recommended For You

Around the Web

Best of XXL

Leave a Comment

It appears that you already have an account created within our VIP network of sites on . To keep your personal information safe, we need to verify that it's really you. To activate your account, please confirm your password. When you have confirmed your password, you will be able to log in through Facebook on both sites.

Forgot your password?

It appears that you already have an account on this site associated with . To connect your existing account just click on the account activation button below. You will maintain your existing VIP profile. After you do this, you will be able to always log in to using your original account information.

Please fill out the information below to help us provide you a better experience.

(Forgot your password?)

Not a member? Sign up here

Sign up for XXL Mag quickly by connecting your Facebook account. It's just as secure and no password to remember!