Welcome to heartbreak, Jay-Z

Love is supposed to be in the air these days – the other day was Valentine’s Day; it’s almost Spring again; fat women here in the Midwest (and they’re all fat women here in the Midwest) are walking around with their boobs all but hanging out of their shirts, trying to find the few men who are still gainfully employed. And yet, Jay-Z’s love life is all of a sudden in a complete and utter state of disarray.

First, there was that thing with Rihanna getting knocked right the fuck out by Chris Brown, even though it wasn’t clear to me that her and Jay were definitely an item. I know Jay-Z is married to Beyonce, and it’s long been rumored that he’s a closet case, and Beyonce’s just his beard. But the fact that Jay-Z and Rihanna are both rumored to have herpes, and the fact that Jay-Z is rumored to have declared Chris Brown a dead man walking suggest to me that Jay-Z and Rihanna have been intimate with one another, even if it didn’t take the form of normal (i.e. the only acceptable) male-female sexual interaction. Jay-Z may have preferred her mouth and her rear end to her vagina, which he finds gross – which would help explain that sore on her lip.

Keep in mind this is all speculation. He could be a completely normal guy. I’d have to meet him in order to say for certain.

Then yesterday, I was checking Sandra Rose, to see if anyone had been outed (she stays outing people), and I saw that Jay-Z’s alleged teh ghey partner, Larry Johnson, is apparently back on women. There was a picture of him with one of the girls from TLC, one of the ones who aren’t dead yet. You can tell he isn’t completely out of the woods yet, since he had on a pink watch and some kind of teh ghey scarf, but he’s at least making an effort to present himself to the world as a straight man. I’m sure that’s the last thing Jay-Z needs to see at a time like this.

You’ll recall that it was revealed, a while back, that Jay-Z and this guy Larry Johnson, who plays for the Kansas City Chiefs (or at least he did at the time – I don’t follow sports as if it was of any real consequence), were sharing an apartment in New York, despite the fact that I’m pretty sure both of them could afford places of their own. Also, Larry Johnson, or LJ, as he’s known, was employed by Jay-Z as a male model for Roc-A-Wear, despite the fact that this was after Jay had already sold Roc-A-Wear (read his meager stake in Roc-A-Wear), and the fact I’m pretty sure he was never really involved in the day to day operations of Roc-A-Wear.

And yet, Jay was apparently involved in LJ’s modeling career to the point where he had to call him up and go off on him over some pictures he’d taken. It was said to have sounded more like a lovers quarrel than two businessmen discussing an ad campaign, but it’s hard for me to say, since I wasn’t there to hear it. I’d say any talk with a male model about some pictures he’s taken is already pretty gay, but you guys know I tend to be close minded when it comes to fashion. I just don’t look right in clothes, unless they’re nice and roomy.

But I digress.

Could it be that the reason they got into was that LJ tried to go straight? Jay-Z probably offered to put him up in an apartment in New York, and to pay him to pose for Roc-A-Wear, but LJ was probably under a lot of pressure from the NFL to pretend that he wasn’t a fruit. He couldn’t have his teammates thinking he was secretly spying their junk, while they were all taking a shower together. He could end up the victim of a hate crime behind some shit like that.

So let me guess: LJ is gonna try to put his teh ghey past behind him and make a go of it with this girl from TLC. The girl from TLC may or may not be aware that him and Jay once went half on a one bedroom, but you know how black women tend to look the other way, as far as that’s concerned. And you know how TLC stays broke.. LA Reid’s ex-wife owns all of their publishing. That’s why Left Eye was involved with that football player back in the mid ’90s. Remember, back when she burned his house down? And T-Boz actually went so far as to get involved with Mack 10. She must have been especially broke. I might need to holler, if she isn’t already dead from sickle cell.

My advice to Chilli: Don’t be surprised if he insists on doing you from the rear. If that’s how you roll, make sure he straps up. If Jay-Z gave Rihanna herpes, who knows what he might have given this guy.

  • amar

    man, first u make up that rihanna has herpes and now u make up that jay-z has herpes and is gay. Who the fuck is this sandra rose bitch and what type of tablets does she need to take before making up this this imaginative-ass bullshit?

    i couldn’t help but laugh at the “one of the tlc members who’s still alive” comment though…i think i’m going to hell…

  • these posts are racist

    Wow…a rumor filled homophobic/insensitive hater packed drop. Classy and impressive.

  • that nigga

    The girl from TLC may or may not be aware that him and Jay once went half on a one bedroom
    ::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

    Im going to hell too. I laughed at that TLC joke about them still alive too. Sorry G.O.D., My bad.

  • DV8

    I thought Rihanna caught the stanky lip from T.I.?

    the term “stanky lip” appears courtesy of Ron “The New Balance Talent” Mexico

  • http://XXLMAG.COM INTERNET BULLY

    FUCK U MAN… U ARE THE WEAKEST LINK TO XXL. THIS ARTICLE AND YOUR GOSSIP BULLSHIT IS JUST PLAIN TABLIOD FUCKERY. XXL NEEDS TO FIRE YOUR WHACK ASS AND YOU NEED TO SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP. HOW ABOUT GOING INTO THE NEAREST CLOSET AND STICKING THE VAGINAL FLAB BETWEEN YOUR LEGS IN YOUR ASS AND FUCKING YOURSELF. PS EAT DICK SANDWICHES ON MOLDY BREAD WITH HORSE RADDISH AND EXTRA HOT SAUCE U PEICE OF SHIT WRITER…

    • amar

      actually i think the reason they hired him is cause he brings in hits

      and the reason he brings in hits is haters

      and the reason he brings in haters is controversial posts

      so my conclusion is that bol is pretty much invisible unless he starts listening to haters and changing the way he blogs…

      • amar

        er..i meant invincible…lol

        • Pierzy

          I don’t think Bol will ever be invisible…

  • chitchat

    Jay got mad that LJ was in Fantasia’s vid and that struck me odd too. Also, LJ’s been involved in some domestic violence stuff himself and I tend to think those crazy wife-beating dudes usually hate women cuz they’re on the DL. So all in all I thought this post was funny. Although I dont think Jay’s gay and dont believe he or Rihanna have herpes.

  • Jhon da Analyst

    Man, I’m like Devlin Weed in this bitch. If a ho wants you to hit the “snuggy hole”……well damnit, fuck it!!

    • http://xxlmag.com Bol

      Snuggy hole?

      Consider me traumatized.

  • Pierzy

    Chilli was with Usher for the longest time so it’s not like she chooses the most rugged dudes in the world.

  • Josh

    Any man that picks up Dallas Austin and Usher’s sloppy seconds is gay.

  • squadwildin

    Yea it was full of hate but that shit was funny…dam good post

    “I’d say any talk with a male model about some pictures he’s taken is already pretty gay, but you guys know I tend to be close minded when it comes to fashion.”—-favorite part

  • giantstepp

    Bullshit Bol! But I understand that controversy is your thing and it keeps the XXL checks rolling in. I aint gonna knock your hustle. However, I don’t believe that you believe Jay is gay. And that was a low blow about T-Boz and her sickle cell disease.

    • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com tony grand$

      Hilarious Bol!

  • http://xxlmag.com Cal

    I dont even know why Jay hangs out with LJ, dude has a notorious history of “chris browning” women on the daily!

  • og bobby j

    they could all be flames…with herpes lips…it dont matter.

    Chris brown is more hardbody than jay or LJ

    tpar is bitchmade

  • these posts are racist

    OG Bobby J doesn’t have health insurance for his son, is a racist and internet tough guy. I guess I’ll take being “bitchmade” over those truths any day.

    • og bobby j

      tpar takes man meat to the throat, claims to be a lawyer but still manages to respond to my post in under 10 minutes. This nigga is a clown…the worst type of flunkie.

      and for the record, id call you a nigga to your momma’s face while your father folded my laundry…

      you’ll take being bitchmade cause you were born that way….

      • these posts are racist

        This is what seperates boys from men: fact from fiction.

        You: are a (i) a racist; (ii) you have no health insurance for your son (you’ve admited such on more than on occassion); (iii) You only use the “N” word electronically, over the internet.

        You offer nothing to think about, you’re simply a comedic bigot who wouldn’t say 99.999% of what he says here, in real life. Your colorful insults are just that, colorful insults…they are not sounded in reality.

  • http://www.rizzleworld.blogspot.com allnice

    Yeah man isn’t it obvious Jay is gay? Dude living with a model, he starving off of swag fashions, he cool with gay niggaz like Pharrell and Kanye. And TLC are obviously some no talent hood chicks put together to cash in some chips right quick. Look how garbage they are now without any support.

  • http://xxl All Dae

    Good post. To bad there’s no proff to yr allegations that Jay-Z and Rihanna are f’n each other but entertaining none the less.

    so many funny lines in this….

    Chris Brown has not been charged with anything so innocent till proven guilty in my book.

  • maximus 32

    The T-Boz comment was fucked up. The whole GAY JAY AND LJ thing is part of your job and comes with the territory of them being famous unless they really are gay. You should have stopped before you threw the sickle cell thing in there. That is some real shit.

  • latino heat

    that was probably the longest most pointless post ever. and the sickle cell joke was a little too much.

  • http://www.coldwartv.com medski the prophet

    That was uuhhh… strange.

  • sealsaa

    LOL @ Bobby Johnson’s ethering of tpar

    • BIGNAT

      you right tpar threw a huff og bobby hit him with a uppercut and tpar was talking on the mat.

  • BIGNAT

    “And T-Boz actually went so far as to get involved with Mack 10. She must have been especially broke. I might need to holler, if she isn’t already dead from sickle cell.”
    you cold for that one bol

  • Jhon da Analyst

    Damn, yall gettin all Ralph Tresvant “Sensitive” in here. It’s jokes man, just jokes……..Jeeeeeez

  • Jhon da Analyst

    This just in………Chris Breezy ft. Too Short & Gucci Mane “Now that’s how u beat a bitch”. Production by David Banner.

  • http://xxlmag.com Kane Corleone

    bobby was funny i cant lie…but then TPAR got serious and got in his ass(N/LJ).

  • J Barry

    Yo bol there was nothing that you said that was funny an you need ya ass kicked, for that sickle cell.

  • FlapJack

    Great journalism

  • Jhon da Analyst

    Laugh motherfuckas………….H-A, H-A, H-A