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Welcome to heartbreak, Jay-Z

Love is supposed to be in the air these days – the other day was Valentine’s Day; it’s almost Spring again; fat women here in the Midwest (and they’re all fat women here in the Midwest) are walking around with their boobs all but hanging out of their shirts, trying to find the few men who are still gainfully employed. And yet, Jay-Z’s love life is all of a sudden in a complete and utter state of disarray.

First, there was that thing with Rihanna getting knocked right the fuck out by Chris Brown, even though it wasn’t clear to me that her and Jay were definitely an item. I know Jay-Z is married to Beyonce, and it’s long been rumored that he’s a closet case, and Beyonce’s just his beard. But the fact that Jay-Z and Rihanna are both rumored to have herpes, and the fact that Jay-Z is rumored to have declared Chris Brown a dead man walking suggest to me that Jay-Z and Rihanna have been intimate with one another, even if it didn’t take the form of normal (i.e. the only acceptable) male-female sexual interaction. Jay-Z may have preferred her mouth and her rear end to her vagina, which he finds gross – which would help explain that sore on her lip.

Keep in mind this is all speculation. He could be a completely normal guy. I’d have to meet him in order to say for certain.

Then yesterday, I was checking Sandra Rose, to see if anyone had been outed (she stays outing people), and I saw that Jay-Z’s alleged teh ghey partner, Larry Johnson, is apparently back on women. There was a picture of him with one of the girls from TLC, one of the ones who aren’t dead yet. You can tell he isn’t completely out of the woods yet, since he had on a pink watch and some kind of teh ghey scarf, but he’s at least making an effort to present himself to the world as a straight man. I’m sure that’s the last thing Jay-Z needs to see at a time like this.

You’ll recall that it was revealed, a while back, that Jay-Z and this guy Larry Johnson, who plays for the Kansas City Chiefs (or at least he did at the time – I don’t follow sports as if it was of any real consequence), were sharing an apartment in New York, despite the fact that I’m pretty sure both of them could afford places of their own. Also, Larry Johnson, or LJ, as he’s known, was employed by Jay-Z as a male model for Roc-A-Wear, despite the fact that this was after Jay had already sold Roc-A-Wear (read his meager stake in Roc-A-Wear), and the fact I’m pretty sure he was never really involved in the day to day operations of Roc-A-Wear.

And yet, Jay was apparently involved in LJ’s modeling career to the point where he had to call him up and go off on him over some pictures he’d taken. It was said to have sounded more like a lovers quarrel than two businessmen discussing an ad campaign, but it’s hard for me to say, since I wasn’t there to hear it. I’d say any talk with a male model about some pictures he’s taken is already pretty gay, but you guys know I tend to be close minded when it comes to fashion. I just don’t look right in clothes, unless they’re nice and roomy.

But I digress.

Could it be that the reason they got into was that LJ tried to go straight? Jay-Z probably offered to put him up in an apartment in New York, and to pay him to pose for Roc-A-Wear, but LJ was probably under a lot of pressure from the NFL to pretend that he wasn’t a fruit. He couldn’t have his teammates thinking he was secretly spying their junk, while they were all taking a shower together. He could end up the victim of a hate crime behind some shit like that.

So let me guess: LJ is gonna try to put his teh ghey past behind him and make a go of it with this girl from TLC. The girl from TLC may or may not be aware that him and Jay once went half on a one bedroom, but you know how black women tend to look the other way, as far as that’s concerned. And you know how TLC stays broke.. LA Reid’s ex-wife owns all of their publishing. That’s why Left Eye was involved with that football player back in the mid ’90s. Remember, back when she burned his house down? And T-Boz actually went so far as to get involved with Mack 10. She must have been especially broke. I might need to holler, if she isn’t already dead from sickle cell.

My advice to Chilli: Don’t be surprised if he insists on doing you from the rear. If that’s how you roll, make sure he straps up. If Jay-Z gave Rihanna herpes, who knows what he might have given this guy.

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