T.I. “Road to Redemption” Series Finale Preview

I just got my hands on the Closed Caption transcript for the series finale of T.I.’s Road to Redemption.

Much like your favorite ghetto Chinese take-out spot, this shit is Wai Ling.

T.I. approaches dais, takes seat next to Alex Rodriguez and Charles Barkley.

T.I.: What’s hattnen, errbody? Summa yawl call me Tip. But I’m here to put yawl on to another kind of tip on how yawl can get right and stay right. I brought some of my homeboy crew potnas to talk to yawl about the dangers of mistakes and what to do if you ever come in contact with one. *nods to A-Rod & Barkley* I know yawl homeboy potna pimpins don’t need no introduction or nothing, but why don’t y’all go ahead and holler at the peoples.

A-Rod: *obviously reading* I apologize for my poor judgment. I was young and misguided—

T.I.: Whoa. Whoa. Rod… We ain’t ready for all that shit yet, pimpin. I’m just sayin, you know… Make a little introduction.

Charles Barkley: *shaking head* Turrble, Tippy. Just turrble.

A-Rod: *looking confused* I-I—

T.I.: *to Charles* Aight. Fuck it then. Go head, mayne.

CB: Hello, everyones. I’m Charles Barkley. I done made a lot of mistakes in my life, but I’m here with T.I. and BET (I mean, MTV,) to help young brothers and susters avoid doin the same turrrble thangs that I done done.

T.I.: So, y’all know what had happened with me and awl that. I ain’t gotta get into no more specifics, but I’d like to take this time to tell you what I shoulda did instead. Yawl know I gotta do a 1-and-1. I coulda avoided awwl that if I—

Voice from Crowd: STOPPED SNITCHIN!!!

T.I.: *uncomfortably* We gone have question and answer time later, pimp. I’d appreciate it if you—

Voice: Come on, nigga. You done talked about the Pimp Squad Click and you trickin. Now you bout to come up here with the Homie Crew Potnas and tell all the kids how to snitch and shit! You done got the game all fucked up. Pimpin Ken say that’s some ho-shit all around. I’m only sayin this because you in my book. I only took that picture witcha ho ass cuz you was on that record with The Pimp [C]. I don’t want niggas thinking—

CB: Oh, shit! That’s Pimpin Kenny. I gotta holler at that nigga. *toward Voice* Kenny!

T.I.: That’s enough out of this man. Securrrty, please show Mr. Retired Pimp Player Gigolo Man out the room.

Pimpin’ Ken: *being dragged away* Remember my book is in stores, y’all! Ain’t no trickin and no snitchin allowed!

T.I.: Sorry about awwl that, my misguided homies from the trap. As I was sayin, what I shoulda did was took my ass to school like I said at the end of “Be Better Than Me.” Dope game overwit, ya dig? If you take yo’ mawfuck’n ass to school and shit, you might not have to be no dope boy or nothing.

A-Rod: *attempting spontaneity* I-I tried being a dope boy once. I’m not even sure I was even doing it right. I went with my cousin to a small house down a long, winding road somewhere in the Dominican. There I was given the dope and we—

T.I.: Hold on, A-Rod. You don’t wanna be—

CB: SNITCHIN!!!

T.I.: Actually, Charles—I was gone say, “leaving out any important details.” *grabs notepad* Wha’ yo’ cousin’nem name is? Where that house at? Yeen’t got no address or nothing?

A-Rod: It was a mistake. It’s something I’d like to put behind me. I didn’t come here to play in the past, but to help these young men and women look forward—

T.I: Aight. It’s awwl pimpin, pimpin. What about you, Charles? What was that bitch name you was all flyin down the highway drunk over, pimpin?

CB: *scoots chair back* *knocks twice on table* Go on. Tell the people your name and what not.

Woman: *climbs from under table* *looks around* My name Peaches. If y’all in the Phoenix area come check me out at the Mirage Gentlemenses Club. I be there err Saturday night. *sits on CB’s lap*

CB: She damn sure do too. And when I tell you she could suck a turnip out ya grandmama garden soil in July, I ain’t ee’n play’n witcha. Anyway, I was trynna tell you young mens out there… Ain’t no reason to be getting all drunk and high before you call up a skripper for that good mouf. Y’all need to wait til you get to the damn Holiday Inn Express with the egg breakfast before you even get to crackin on the Henny.

T.I.: Thank you for that, Charles. Umm… A-Rod, you wanna add anything?

A-Rod: *reading again* I apologize to my teammates and appreciate their support at this time. I didn’t even need the cocaine to do my job better.

CB: Oh, lawd. *Peaches slaps own forehead*

T.I.: That’s alright. We all done made mistakes. That’s why we all here. So long as you take the time to come clean with the authorities you can make peace with yourself and your community. Now I ain’t telling yawl awwl this chea just to say it. This is something that’s gonna help our mothers, sisters, brothers and fathers, ya dig?

CB: I don’t know about all this snitchin business. Them polices tried to get me to roll on Kenny and Ernie while I was down there by the station house. I coulda told them that Kenny official title is “Liaison to Prostitutional Activities,” but I didn’t. I did my DUI. I put my owns T-Mobile commercials on the line and that’s why I still plan to run for governor of Alabama.

Voice in Crowd: That’s a stand-up nigga, mayn!

T.I.: Alright. Alright. I can see yawl wanna talk and ask questions and shit. I like answer’n questions better any got damn way. Y’all just… I don’t know. Raise your hand or some shit and I’ll call on you. *singles out teenager* Yes. You with the long-ass white tee.

White Tee: *stands* Umm, yea. This question is for Charles. I see you doin big thangs, my nigga. I wanna be like you and shit. That’s what’s up. *sits down*

CB: Thank you, young brotha.

T.I.: That warn’t even no question!

WT: *stands again* Oh, yeah. Ummm… Could you ask Peaches to do the Stanky Legg for us?

Crowd: *roars with excitement*

T.I.: Do anybody got any questions about how to do the right thing?

Voice: Nah, crimestopper! Sit yo’ old ho ass down and let’s see that Stanky Legg and shit.

Crowd: *roars again*

A-Rod: I’d actually like to see that Stanky Legg too. I’ve been dating this black girl and I don’t know how to do it so well.

Peaches: Ain’t no thang! *drops to Stanky Legg position* Awwl you gotta do is drop down to one side like you bout to turn a double play… then just hesitate a little bit.

CB: Yea, A-Rod. Just fuck up a double play. You know how to do that.

A-Rod: Wow. I never thought of it that way. Thanks, guys. Now how do I “hit the booty do?”

T.I.: *to himself* I shoulda listened to Tiny. Got damn.

Unfortunately, that’s all BET (I mean, MTV) would let me show you. I’m not trying to get XXL in any more trouble than I may have in the past. You’ll definitely want to see the rest of that episode though.

Questions? Comments? Requests? I didn’t even watch the first couple episodes, so I’m as shocked as you are to see the turn this series has taken! ron@ronmexicocity.com

  • capcobra

    entertaining to the word taken..kudos sir mexico.

    • Szasure

      You Mex I’m from B-ham CB is from the metro this nigga stay in the shake joints and be drunk when he roll out. I gotta give it to you this shit was funny!

  • Pierzy

    Well done. Definitely not turrible.

  • http://www.myspace.com/emcdlthemusicprofile EmCDL

    You know you a fool right Mex? That shit made me laugh so hard I had to calm it down cuz I’m at work reading you stuff!

    “CB: She damn sure do too. And when I tell you she could suck a turnip out ya grandmama garden soil in July, I ain’t ee’n play’n witcha. Anyway, I was trynna tell you young mens out there… Ain’t no reason to be getting all drunk and high before you call up a skripper for that good mouf. Y’all need to wait til you get to the damn Holiday Inn Express with the egg breakfast before you even get to crackin on the Henny.”

    Shit is too hillarious!

  • amar

    hahahhahaha creative mr. mex

  • Worley

    This sh*t was funny then I lit up and it got better. Good sh*t Mex.

  • giantstepp

    You killin this blog shit Mex. Damn good job.

  • romil

    ?? What am I missing, I dont think T.I. talks in that grammar last time I watched R2R.Only some you know whats would laugh at this.

    • geico lizard

      I have to take up for ron on this one because TI does dumb down his accent sometimes. Some of his interviews with rap dvd’s sound like gomer pyles souther accent but with chelsea handler and carson daly I understood every word he said.

  • $ykotic

    Sondoobie do I get permission to use “Gentlmenses” and “skripper”?

    Co-sign giantstepp

  • geico lizard

    Charles Barkley could catch a murder charge and not lose his job. He is the only reason anybody watches that show. Kenny Smith will be unemployed 2 seconds after a grant hill smarty arty guy retires and wants that tv job. They keep giving ernie the emmys but its all about chuck the hypocrite.

    “A-Rod: I’d actually like to see that Stanky Legg too. I’ve been dating this black girl and I don’t know how to do it so well.” A fraud or Charles dating a black woman has to be a ratings boost for BET because those two normally swear by the blondes only.

  • Lowedwn

    AHAHAHAHHAHAH, yeeeah man. These are some of the Mexxico posts I live for right here. Good shit as always Ron.

  • anutha_level

    ill-vivid mane…can see that shit plain as day

  • kelito-vision

    Lol!!! ron mexico = the man keeping the lights on over there at XXL

  • http://hiphoponmymind.blogspot.com DJ Daddy Mack

    LMAO! GOOD SHIT, RON.

  • El Tico Loco

    Now that’s how you close the week! Dam I was rollin (no x)

  • matty21

    what was da point of dat dumb ass sht? very stupid in my opinion “ron mexico”, i thought u were cool and informative too, dno what i was thinkin…quit dat hatin makin fun sht n blog bout somethin important u lame lol…dem guyz u makin fun of still doin aite, dey’ll get through their hard times and scrutiny from haters like u

  • Shawty J

    Nice job, Mex. But T.I.’s show is on MTV not BET.

    • http://www.ronmexicocity.com ron mexico

      excellent point, sir.

    • Mika

      Cottdamn ! SMH……

  • What the ?

    Tips straight snitchin on live TV shows now. Seen the first episode on MTV and TIP goes to the kids house and literally takes him to the local police station and informs them the kids a drug dealer. How the fuck could anybody listen to this guy anymore ?

    I’ve never seen anyone bitch up so hard before, I mean he has a family to take care of and nobody deserves to be in the slammer but his rap career should get the death penalty.

    • http://hiphoponmymind.blogspot.com DJ Daddy Mack

      OH REALLY? U R A DUMBASS, B.

    • FlapJack

      Good point, what the?
      Saw the one about the kid in the gang, and the police, parents, locals now know all about their not so legal activities.

      Funny shit Mex, real vivid

  • escobar9300

    eh, don’t get me wrong this blog was kinda funny, but I dont see the point of hating on TI. Dude is pretty much the only relevant rapper out right now thats making big numbers (No, wayne and kanye and their recent musical fuckery dont count). I cant hate on somebody who is making a consious effort to turn his life around and trying to change other peoples lives aswell. Sure, TI can come off a little ignorant from time to time, but dont shit on someone for making positive steps in their life.

  • yeah man

    Bravo Mr. Mexico! Maybe you can take on all the reversals in hop-hop…like Mos Def said ‘hip-hop went from selling crack to smoking it’, not only that we went from don’t spend money on a chic to ‘it aint tricking if you got it’ and from fuck the police to ‘I got anuva kinda tip for ya’…bring back that real intelligent hoodlum vibe to the game. You on a roll dog, this one is one for the Hall of Fame.

  • BIGNAT

    you whats so funny about this is what he wrote for a-rod is exactly how that fool would act

  • benjamin bixby III

    YAWL CAN SAY WHAT YAWL WANT….AT THE END OF THE DAY I REALLY DONT THINK T.I SNITCHED I THINK MONEY JUST GOT STRENGTH LIKE THAT….I DONT GET IT IF A BLACK MAN GET IN TROUBLE WE AUTOMATICALLY TAKE HIS SIDE WITH THE FREE “INSERT IMPRISONED PERSON’S NAME HERE” CAMPAIGN….THEN THE PERSON BEAT THE CASE AND WE LIKE THAT CAT SNITCHING OR HE GUILTY…SMH