I just got my hands on the Closed Caption transcript for the series finale of T.I.’s Road to Redemption.
Much like your favorite ghetto Chinese take-out spot, this shit is Wai Ling.
T.I. approaches dais, takes seat next to Alex Rodriguez and Charles Barkley.
T.I.: What’s hattnen, errbody? Summa yawl call me Tip. But I’m here to put yawl on to another kind of tip on how yawl can get right and stay right. I brought some of my homeboy crew potnas to talk to yawl about the dangers of mistakes and what to do if you ever come in contact with one. *nods to A-Rod & Barkley* I know yawl homeboy potna pimpins don’t need no introduction or nothing, but why don’t y’all go ahead and holler at the peoples.
A-Rod: *obviously reading* I apologize for my poor judgment. I was young and misguided—
T.I.: Whoa. Whoa. Rod… We ain’t ready for all that shit yet, pimpin. I’m just sayin, you know… Make a little introduction.
Charles Barkley: *shaking head* Turrble, Tippy. Just turrble.
A-Rod: *looking confused* I-I—
T.I.: *to Charles* Aight. Fuck it then. Go head, mayne.
CB: Hello, everyones. I’m Charles Barkley. I done made a lot of mistakes in my life, but I’m here with T.I. and BET (I mean, MTV,) to help young brothers and susters avoid doin the same turrrble thangs that I done done.
T.I.: So, y’all know what had happened with me and awl that. I ain’t gotta get into no more specifics, but I’d like to take this time to tell you what I shoulda did instead. Yawl know I gotta do a 1-and-1. I coulda avoided awwl that if I—
Voice from Crowd: STOPPED SNITCHIN!!!
T.I.: *uncomfortably* We gone have question and answer time later, pimp. I’d appreciate it if you—
Voice: Come on, nigga. You done talked about the Pimp Squad Click and you trickin. Now you bout to come up here with the Homie Crew Potnas and tell all the kids how to snitch and shit! You done got the game all fucked up. Pimpin Ken say that’s some ho-shit all around. I’m only sayin this because you in my book. I only took that picture witcha ho ass cuz you was on that record with The Pimp [C]. I don’t want niggas thinking—
CB: Oh, shit! That’s Pimpin Kenny. I gotta holler at that nigga. *toward Voice* Kenny!
T.I.: That’s enough out of this man. Securrrty, please show Mr. Retired Pimp Player Gigolo Man out the room.
Pimpin’ Ken: *being dragged away* Remember my book is in stores, y’all! Ain’t no trickin and no snitchin allowed!
T.I.: Sorry about awwl that, my misguided homies from the trap. As I was sayin, what I shoulda did was took my ass to school like I said at the end of “Be Better Than Me.” Dope game overwit, ya dig? If you take yo’ mawfuck’n ass to school and shit, you might not have to be no dope boy or nothing.
A-Rod: *attempting spontaneity* I-I tried being a dope boy once. I’m not even sure I was even doing it right. I went with my cousin to a small house down a long, winding road somewhere in the Dominican. There I was given the dope and we—
T.I.: Hold on, A-Rod. You don’t wanna be—
T.I.: Actually, Charles—I was gone say, “leaving out any important details.” *grabs notepad* Wha’ yo’ cousin’nem name is? Where that house at? Yeen’t got no address or nothing?
A-Rod: It was a mistake. It’s something I’d like to put behind me. I didn’t come here to play in the past, but to help these young men and women look forward—
T.I: Aight. It’s awwl pimpin, pimpin. What about you, Charles? What was that bitch name you was all flyin down the highway drunk over, pimpin?
CB: *scoots chair back* *knocks twice on table* Go on. Tell the people your name and what not.
Woman: *climbs from under table* *looks around* My name Peaches. If y’all in the Phoenix area come check me out at the Mirage Gentlemenses Club. I be there err Saturday night. *sits on CB’s lap*
CB: She damn sure do too. And when I tell you she could suck a turnip out ya grandmama garden soil in July, I ain’t ee’n play’n witcha. Anyway, I was trynna tell you young mens out there… Ain’t no reason to be getting all drunk and high before you call up a skripper for that good mouf. Y’all need to wait til you get to the damn Holiday Inn Express with the egg breakfast before you even get to crackin on the Henny.
T.I.: Thank you for that, Charles. Umm… A-Rod, you wanna add anything?
A-Rod: *reading again* I apologize to my teammates and appreciate their support at this time. I didn’t even need the cocaine to do my job better.
CB: Oh, lawd. *Peaches slaps own forehead*
T.I.: That’s alright. We all done made mistakes. That’s why we all here. So long as you take the time to come clean with the authorities you can make peace with yourself and your community. Now I ain’t telling yawl awwl this chea just to say it. This is something that’s gonna help our mothers, sisters, brothers and fathers, ya dig?
CB: I don’t know about all this snitchin business. Them polices tried to get me to roll on Kenny and Ernie while I was down there by the station house. I coulda told them that Kenny official title is “Liaison to Prostitutional Activities,” but I didn’t. I did my DUI. I put my owns T-Mobile commercials on the line and that’s why I still plan to run for governor of Alabama.
Voice in Crowd: That’s a stand-up nigga, mayn!
T.I.: Alright. Alright. I can see yawl wanna talk and ask questions and shit. I like answer’n questions better any got damn way. Y’all just… I don’t know. Raise your hand or some shit and I’ll call on you. *singles out teenager* Yes. You with the long-ass white tee.
White Tee: *stands* Umm, yea. This question is for Charles. I see you doin big thangs, my nigga. I wanna be like you and shit. That’s what’s up. *sits down*
CB: Thank you, young brotha.
T.I.: That warn’t even no question!
WT: *stands again* Oh, yeah. Ummm… Could you ask Peaches to do the Stanky Legg for us?
Crowd: *roars with excitement*
T.I.: Do anybody got any questions about how to do the right thing?
Voice: Nah, crimestopper! Sit yo’ old ho ass down and let’s see that Stanky Legg and shit.
Crowd: *roars again*
A-Rod: I’d actually like to see that Stanky Legg too. I’ve been dating this black girl and I don’t know how to do it so well.
Peaches: Ain’t no thang! *drops to Stanky Legg position* Awwl you gotta do is drop down to one side like you bout to turn a double play… then just hesitate a little bit.
CB: Yea, A-Rod. Just fuck up a double play. You know how to do that.
A-Rod: Wow. I never thought of it that way. Thanks, guys. Now how do I “hit the booty do?”
T.I.: *to himself* I shoulda listened to Tiny. Got damn.
Unfortunately, that’s all BET (I mean, MTV) would let me show you. I’m not trying to get XXL in any more trouble than I may have in the past. You’ll definitely want to see the rest of that episode though.
Questions? Comments? Requests? I didn’t even watch the first couple episodes, so I’m as shocked as you are to see the turn this series has taken! email@example.com