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Suge Knight, Please Sit Down

While the details are still murky regarding the altercation taking place between Marion “Suge” Knight and Akon’s “manager” (a la Yung Berg’s drunken scooter adventure), the result is familiar. Suge Knight stay losing, as they say on the blogs and message boards.

Why is Knight still out there trying to throw hands on niggas in the street? Despite the height of his err, umm–influence being long behind him, Suge still finds the need to patrol the party scene looking for niggas willing to tap on his ass like one of the many MPCs he’s had to sell for gas money.

Sugar Bear’s shit be gettin tapped on like Gregory Hines trying to win his freedom from a bloodthirsty crowd. Niggas didn’t used to just be able to square up on dude and take his Golden Crisp. Once the most universally-feared man in hip-hop is now known to the Soulja Boy generation as, at earliest, the nigga Snoop embarrassed on wax. Most recently Suge’s become known as the former executive that be gettin photographed face-down and all kinds of knocked the fuck out at the hands of roadies and student barbers and shit.

Perhaps there comes a time in a man’s life when he must retire from… whatever it is he’s been doing the past 20 years. Clearly, the goonery well has run drier than is acceptable to operate in today’s proverbial mess hall. If you’re not gonna be the one taking waters, meat portions and cocktail fruits, perhaps it’s time to eat quietly in the corner and stab niggas in the eye on a checking-by-checking basis.

Even Fleece Johnson had to retire from a life of piracy at some point.

In high school, I would have called you a fool to think that in a decade or so you could just slap Suge Knight around, call him all kinds of bitch and what not and he’d just stumble to the floor drunk for the authorities to haul away. How far we’ve come indeed, my people.

After two embarrassing knockout losses, most former contenders hang their WBC title hopes the fuck up. Considering how Death Row just got sold for less points on the package than you’d give a 12 year-old crack runner in a group home, it might be time to start doing Meineke commercials or some shit. I don’t think it’s too soon for the Suge Knight electric fat-reducing grill with interchangable plates, either.

Anything’s better than showing up at another party and getting knocked the fuck out for a generation of kids who don’t know much of the goon you once were.

Our crane technique = proper.

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