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If I were a girl (nullus)

You know that mental excercise from high school, where you picture the girl you’d most like to bang, and then you picture her taking a shit? Well, here’s a slight variation on that exercise.

(Don’t worry, southern rap fans. You’re not gonna have to think that hard.)

Imagine the girl you’d most like to have sex with. Maybe it’s some girl at your job with long, flowing hair and especially nice cans, or whatever it is you might be into. I’m not here to judge.

Now, what if you heard through the grapevine that she was interested in getting with you? But! You also heard that she’s been known to beat up on guys she’s in a relationship with. Would you still go for it?

Keep in mind, I’m not just talking about some skank at your job that’s been sweating you, whose real goal is probably to get you to take her kids out to eat at McDonalds several nights a week, and yeah, you probably also get to hit it, but it’s hardly worth a shit anyway. No, we’re talking about a broad who’s got her shit together, i.e. the kind who wouldn’t want anything to do with you otherwise.

Also, keep in mind that I’m sure any guy who’s not secretly teh ghey would be willing to put up with a certain degree of abuse to get with a woman, once. It’s not like we don’t put up with all sorts of shit already. What’s worse, pretending you like Lil’ Wayne to get some stank, or getting punched in the face to get some stank. Your face will eventually heal. Your pride? Not so much.

The question is: would you be willing to deal with such a women on a long term basis? As easy as it is to mock the millions of women who I’m sure would still be willing to get with Chris Brown (ladies, don’t even), even though it’s been rumored that he hit her hard enough that she almost lost her eye, and that’s why we haven’t seen her, I can’t say for certain that I wouldn’t.

The thing is, we don’t what was said in that Lamborghini to set Chris Brown off. Now, I don’t mean to suggest that whatever happened to Rihanna was her fault. I’m just saying. As a man, I try to live my life with a certain degree of what George W. Bush would call strategery. And I can’t help but wonder – if I was in a relationship with someone who’s known to flip the fuck out, what’s the likelihood, really, that I would suffer the worst of that person’s wrath?

Think about it. When’s the last time you went into a place of business and saw a black man over the age of 17 working in a menial, service oriented position? And obviously it’s not because there’s any shortage of brothers who could use a job. No, it’s because cracka-ass crackas stay getting out of pocket. If I could last as long as I have working in the service industry, I’m pretty could survive an abusive relationship. At the risk of sounding like every battered woman evar, I’m pretty sure I could change my dream woman in this scenario.

Even if I didn’t, you wouldn’t see me on the Internets whining about how I got beat up and pretending as if there’s some epidemic of domestic violence against men that’s being covered up by the media. Part of it’s that I wouldn’t want anyone to know that I got beat up by a woman, but part of it’s that I wouldn’t feel right complaining, after knowing good and well what I was getting myself into.

Again, that shouldn’t be read as me suggesting Rihanna got what she had coming to her. (We don’t even know for a fact that she got beat up.) I’m sure this post will be read as me mocking female victims of domestic violence, but that hasn’t been my aim here. Instead, I’m suggesting that we should empathize with these women. Yeah, nothing like that would ever happen to you. But you can see how it might happen to them, right? What’s it gonna take for these bitches to realize how sensitive I am?

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