How Noreaga turned lemons into lemonade

Let me guess, Noreaga went out and copped a crib he couldn’t really afford, during the height of that reggaeton craze.

As my Jewish lawyer in training Joey points out in this post, that song Noreaga did with Nina Sky might not have come on the radio once here in St. Louis. But from what I understand, it became so ubiquitous on the coasts that some cities created entire new radio stations to play it, that “Gasolina,” and whatever other reggaeton songs there were.

Then one day people realized, en masse, that reggaeton is the most obnoxious sound possible, even more so than the production on the new Joe Budden album. Overnight, reggaeton stations switched formats to country or whatever, and labels dropped their nascent “latino” departments like a bad habit.

And damn it, if it didn’t happen before Noreaga had a chance to cash in. By the time he actually put out his reggaeton album, no one gave a shit; and I’m not sure how much money you can make from having a song played on the radio ad nauseum. I’m not saying he didn’t make any money. I’m just saying. It was probably just enough to buy some shit he couldn’t afford to pay for once the checks start rolling in.

Hence the weight gain.

It doesn’t cost very much money to gorge yourself on alcohol and fast food. Trust me, I should know. I was doing that shit before it was all trendy. Noreaga probably spent the next few years wallowing in his failure, getting tanked every day of the week, and eating at fast food restaurants so often they already knew what he wanted when he walked through the door.

Then one day he went to shoot publicity photos for a new CNN album, to try to get his career back in order, and he was shocked at how fat he’d gotten. But rather than put on an extra big jacket, to try to play it off, he figured he might be able to use his new gut to his advantage.

It occurred to him (and I happen to know this, because he said so in an interview), that if he took a picture of himself with his shirt off, a few blogs might post it, and it might “go viral,” as they say. And wouldn’t you know, he did, and it did.

Sure, he could just make a song that people actually like, and go viral the old fashioned way. But if he was capable of doing that, he wouldn’t have gotten that fat in the first place. Indeed, many of these hip-hop blogs would hardly exist, if it weren’t for guys like Noreaga, who need free publicity from anything other than writing a good song.

Take for example Nah Right, where I go to download rap music without paying. I remember when the last T.I. album came out, eskay posted a song from it. Then the label made him take it down, and he threw a bitchfit, as if no one was gonna buy the new T.I. album, if they couldn’t download all of the singles for free from Nah Right. I’m sure Asher Roth’s label, meanwhile, could care less how many times he shows up on Nah Right.

For all of the talk about Noreaga on the Internets in the past few days, I’m still not sure when his album comes out. It must be soon, though, because he’s really ratcheting up the publicity stunts this week. I’m not gonna lie, I was gonna watch all of the videos and what have you and recap, but it’s already getting kinda late in the afternoon, and it’s such a nice day out. Hence all of the rambling about fast food and the eskay-baiting I just pulled out of my ass.

The question is: even with all of this shit with him and his latino cousin Perez Hilton, and throwing a cup of piss in some poor guy’s face over some flowers (nullus), and whatever else he’s been involved in, will anyone give a shit about the new Noreaga album? And more importantly, will anyone actually buy it? My guess is that they won’t. Which is too bad, since it’ll probably discourage other rappers from engaging in such shenanigans. I might actually need to cop on principle, similar to how I’ll be buying a copy of Before I Self Destruct.

  • Pierzy

    This dude hasn’t been relevant since the first CNN album or N.O.R.E. when he introduced two things to the world:

    1. Neptunes beats
    2. His horrible rhyme schemes and word play

    • anutha_level

      lol…no doubt

  • jake steed

    i’ll cop the cnn album. download the nore album.and break my weed up on the 50 album.so on a lighter note….

    how did chris benoit get so big?

    by hanging in the gym

  • og bobby j

    the reunion album is a nominee for “best album by two horrific rappers”….I will not be coping the nore/cnn album….

    and raggay-tone could not have gone away fast enough….word to pitbull.

    • these posts are racist

      Bobby,

      How do you feel about reggae trailer park music? I heard Kid Rock is spearheading the movment with his soon to be hit singles “Bobby No Tienes HMO” and “Bobby – Out the Trailer and Into the Barrio”.

      I also heard that you don’t dance…no way…you just take your confederate flag out and wave it in the air…take your confederate flag out and wave it in the air.

      • og bobby j

        damn man….you’re really flashing that stank pussy now. I cant even comment on here with you catching feelings? Your the saddest type of bitch.

        You mad cause you lost at slap boxing to a white girl when you were little? You mad cause daylight savings is approaching and that sun-up fasting is bout to make your stomach growl? Lucky for you I will continue to e-fuck your bitchmade face with the fat white dick your father probably dream about. Well, that and beanpies…

        Why do I stay on your mind like this fam? You try to push this no health care shit cause in reality, your mad at your life. I bet you were sitting and waiting for me to comment so you could use that kid rock line….prolly didnt sleep last night thinking about that shit…

        You want the attention cause you crave it like halal meat…..

        I wish I had the chance to dump some white power fresh out of the OG onto your mother’s bruised and vailed face…and she’d love it.

        • these posts are racist

          Hilarious – you sound like a guy convicted of some serious sexual assault charges…weird, at best.

          Look, back to the Reggae Trailer Park fad, instead of Gasolina, you could sing about your mother’s (and her “new boyfriend’s) meth lab. It would be hot, kids across the country will be wearing the protective masks…

  • dameSTATUS

    OG rappers like NORE (I’m talking to you NORE) need to re-hash/update their classics as we grind out this recession.

    Who wouldn’t actually buy (ok, jokes aside b/c nobody buys anything rt now) some:
    -What, what? (redeux ft. Juelz)
    -Head in the Whip 09 (ft. Bishop Lamont)
    -Body in the Trunk 2 (Ft. Nasir’s corpse)
    etc????

    go with what worked before!! As puff would say, take that, take that.Uuuuggngh!

  • geico lizard

    Nore will sell less than Joe budden. If Nore has a girlfriend with a big butt he can start putting her on vlog like joey does losos girl I mean joeys girl.

  • giantstepp

    “…will anyone give a shit about the new Noreaga album? And more importantly, will anyone actually buy it?”

    Excellent questions Bol. The answer is ahhhhh, NO and NO!

    In the words of the late great Tupac Shakur, “all you old rappers tryna advance its all over now take it like a man”. His career been over.

  • latino heat

    as much as i hate to admit it everything in this post is dead on. i will give the CNN album a chance though. it can’t be any worse then anything else out right now can it? Jake Steed, you wrong for that chris beonit line.

  • http://www.myspace.com/chronikill ROX ONE

    whatever..

    the life sucks die interview is far and away more entertaining than 99% of the songs ever made..

    besides that I’m a fan of stomp the sht out you with MOP and Invincible..

    • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com tony grand$

      So sad.

      In the 90′s, CNN was off the chain. They busted shots back @ Snoop/Dogg Pound for “New York, New York”. Then Capone got locked, & Nore brought The Neptunes to the light. Then Nore actually made decent, likable Hip Hop.

      Then people got tired of “what, what, what, what, what, what, what?!”, & he changed his name to Melvin Flynt for reasons unknown. Then, he was gone……until he went back to his roots & jumped on the Reggaeton bandwagon. Blew right quick, flickered out again.

      Now if I were a kid back then, with no knowledge of the “legacy” of N.O.R.E., all I would know about him is he is a fat rap dude who lost weight on the ‘Net & has beef with the self-proclaimed gossip queen Perez Hilton because he throw a beverage @ a man @ Fatburger over some flowers.

      So sad.

  • Simple like ABC, 123

    Fu6k “Gasolina”, Fu6k Reggaeton

  • http://grandgood.com g@grandgood.com

    i will listen to any reggaeton song over any counting crows song