Chris Brown & Rihanna: Stomp The Yardie

[Blogger's Note: I know Rihanna's from Barbados. It was really the best I could do.]

I told y’all back in 2006, something warn’t right with this Chris Brown boy.

As reports are leaking slowly–not unlike festering herpes sores–more details are emerging about the series of events that caused the light-skinted Joanie and Chachie to miss last night’s gramophone awards. By the S.L.U. performance/baby delivery, we’d known Rihanna had gotten her swerve on (in the vehicular sense) and that Breezy had to Wayne Brady a bitch.

However, it wasn’t until this morning that the bored hoodrat blogs got wind of the fact that Rihanna’s name is on the police report and that Breezy got to throwin the hands over a sore that he could have gotten from any one of his fitty-leven jumpoffs. It just so happened that the one in front of him was glowing red and crusting over.

[Blogger’s Note: If it emerges that he whooped on her because he actually forgot to apply the Proactiv daily treatment in hurried anticipation of a Grammy performance, that’d be bout some shit.]

As domestic abuse from punk-ass niggas always has an indignant rant attached, I wonder what Brown’s sounded like.


“Look at us, you nasty little rasclat! We look like fucking Thai prostitutes! Bitch, we can’t hit the carpet and perform looking like this? At least when I did my little shit I wrapped my shit up and threw down the no-head rule! How you out there givin niggas headpiece and bringin that back to me? Fuck this. What did the five fingers say to the forehead?”

If you read the above jackassery and pump your fists in support of ye olde corporal punishment, please be advised that getting the stanky lipp is a two-person process. You’ve gotta be done dove in that Golden Krust face-first to come away with a badge of honor like that. Sure she’s been doin da skanky legg, but Breezy’s the one that decided it a good call to learn her damn dance.

Breezy very well may have brought the nastiness in question on himself anyways. According to the finest news sources the Mo’Niques of the world have to offer, Brown’s been running around like he’s related to Bobby. Apparently both he and Ree-Ree have been throwing the thug lovin around in the odd moments they’ve been apart.

Giving the full benefit of doubt allowable to a cheatin-ass nigga who wants to come home putting flags on shit, often times a statement about self is made when the woman you chose burns you. While getting burnt can happen to anyone, it’s you who chose to kick it long term with someone who would A) cheat on you with a herpeface and B) knowingly Ron Mexico that ass with the Mike Vick Sunday Night Special.

All herpetic justification aside, if ever in the history of high-yellow celebrity niggadom has been a nigga less fit for the box than Chris Breezy, I haven’t met him. Prince, Morris Day, the mulatto dude from Tales From the Hood and Leona Lewis would all likely do better than Brown in lockup. Even Christopher “Kid” Reid rapped his way out of a health inspection (see: Class Act… I mean, House Party. I’ve been enlightened). However, when them boys in the bing find out that not only is a sweet-ass touchdown like Chris Brown joining them, but that he’s doing so for beating up on someone they’ve likely masturbated to for the past couple years, shit’s gonna get real ugly real fast. There won’t be any singing or dancing his way out of that shit.

I shudder to think.

Also, in my daily dose of schadenfreude, I do hope to see some advertising world reciprocity. Michael Phelps done lost his cereal money after getting caught training for the WorldStar Smoke-a-Thon. I sure do hope I don’t have to see that fucking Doublemint gum commercial anymore after Young Breezy goes full-Rick James on his broad.

Nigga finna be doin some cigarette commercials in a minute. I hear Newport is just as good as money and almost as good as booty. Good luck dancing circles around Fleece Johnson.

Questions? Comments? Requests? They don’t know that’s attractive to me. ron@ronmexicocity.com

Negroes, please don’t smack your bitches up. Even if you get burnt. You’ll only be doubly so.

P.S.: I didn’t say “Ike Turner” not once. Hells yea. Fuck a cliche.

  • Pierzy

    I think Doublemint should capitalize on this publicity and have CB pop in a stick of gum and then just beat the shit out of a bunch of girls, similar to the Matrix (if Neo was almost black…and gay).

    I’m sure there would be protests, but all publicity is good publicity!

  • DA TRUTH

    I heard Whitney Houston was so high she showed up at the jail yelling BOBBBBBBBBBBBBBY! Like he was the only Brown that put the smack down.

    • http://myspace.com/STJ_Guss ed

      funiest shit ive heard all week

  • http://xxlmag.com Nor Cal Mufuckas!!!

    Why dont you head over to perezhilton.com to chat about this bullshit with the other pink haired faggots who also gossip about celebs.

    I thought this was xxlmag.com?

    • DA TRUTH

      why did you read it??? and what do you know about perezhilton.com? your suspect for trying to make us go to a suspect website.

  • http://xxlmag.com Kane Corleone

    Yea that was a good point on the “Ike Turner cliche”,squares act like that was the only celebrity to make a bitch “eat the cake”.

  • geico lizard

    “bored hoodrat blogs”ROFFLE. Those blogs are full of nubian queens that just happen to be at home on the computer while everyone else is at work. They cant find a good man to marry them and raise their kids because men are intimidated by a strong woman like them,lmfao.

  • geico lizard

    ” According to the finest news sources the Mo’Niques of the world have to offer” Speaking of Mo’nique,jill scott,star jones and jennifer hudson they have these bbw’s thinking its ok and healthy to be that size. If someone doesnt like your size they are jealous or a hater BUT when those same big chicks date a man they dont pick a big guy,wtf? That size doesnt matter bullshit talk only goes one way with them. Then they are shocked when the marriage is sham and they get taken for half their loot.

  • amar

    damn this story had ron mexico written all over it…or…all over rihana’s face if u catch my drift

  • Marco317

    ^^^^^ yes, ron mexico used to play for the falcons

  • $ykotic

    What it really sounds like is they got it from the same person!

    Rich as hell with exposed chancre sores!

    SDN nominees!

  • http://www.obeseamerica.com sankofa

    I hear Canada calling…

  • http://xxlmag.com Ben

    Your post suck.

    • Dub Sac

      Your grammar suck.

  • squadwildin

    I must admit Mexico, i thought it was going to be funnier, but you still did the dam thing. If there’s a follow up article to this shit, i expect it to be 10X more hilarious.

  • Omar

    I was laughing before I even read the shit.

    • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com tony grand$

      Damn Mex, you left out Al B. Sure, Redhead Kingpin, SupaFly & Arnaz from “One on One”.

      The light skint geneology runs far & wide, bruh.

      C. Breez still got endorsement action though, Blistex, Carmex, & various topical ointment manufacturers.

  • BIGNAT

    c breezy going be aight blame it on the coke and go to rehab hahahahahah

  • Shawty J

    I had a terrible day, but reading this:

    “However, when them boys in the bing find out that not only is a sweet-ass touchdown like Chris Brown joining them, but that he’s doing so for beating up on someone they’ve likely masturbated to for the past couple years, shit’s gonna get real ugly real fast. There won’t be any singing or dancing his way out of that shit.”

    Turned my day around. LMAO for real!

  • Machinko

    Shout outs to pierzy in the number one slot for calling C Breezy ‘almost black’.. LOLipopz…

    geico lizard.. so the urban gossip blog readers are all broke broads without men. and the xxl.com blog readers (and frequent commenters such as urself) are… ? just askin. *shrugs*

    Mexico- WHO is the mulatto kid from Tales From the Good?

    • DV8

      Gouvner Smith or something like that. He also did that Huey Newton live stage show. He’s been in movies and shows here and there usually playing the part of a cornball or a sell-out.

  • geico lizard

    Tmz said rihanna has bite marks and swollen forehead. Her forehead always looks swollen to me. CB is ass out right now.

  • c b w

    Damn Chris!!!! I know you sing about wanting to take girls down, but I didn’t think you meant with a 2 piece and a biscuit.

  • Enlightened

    Give up nigga. I hate to even give Bol props like that but it’s too many fake ass Bols floating around nowadays. And you’re another one. You just don’t pull it off right though. Stop it and find your own style. You suck.

    Also, it’s House Party, not Class Act.

    • http://www.ronmexicocity.com Ron Mexico

      *michael clarke duncan voice* a b-bol clone, boss? you sure know how to cut a man deep.

      and you showliz right about that house party. all them kid n play movies done ran together on me.

  • Avenger XL

    This is funny but what the heck does it have to do with hip-hop or rap music? Why are all the bloggers jumping on this shit? Is rap having such a slow news period we are forced to cover pop drama now? Is XXL the new media take out or Bossip (It was already close). Who gives two farts about these pop goofs they are soon to go the way of the dinosaur any way.

  • DV8

    Even Christopher “Kid” Reid rapped his way out of a health inspection (see: Class Act).

    LMAO!!! I want to see if CB can crump his way out of this one. That dude is about to “Run It” for real, lol.

    Stanky Lipp? The New Balance Talent strikes again. Slang Editorial for real. Word to E-40.

  • Smel

    “However, when them boys in the bing find out…that he’s doing so for beating up on someone they’ve likely masturbated to for the past couple years, shit’s gonna get real ugly real fast..”

    I was laughing my ass off till I got to this line, then the laughter just….died.

    That shit is tragic. Seriously.