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Akon’s Gassed The Fluck Up!

For today’s blent sacrifice, I’ve given up reading all Chris Brown and Rihanna stories. In doing so, I’ve found that there really isn’t much else out there for us urban folk to read.

Aside from 50 Cent’s Paul Bearer-directed WWE promo threatening a woman that’s brown enough to be DJ Khaled’s mother, it’s Akon and his Cribs-like fuckery that’s saved me from the incessant asswhoopin accounts.

Nice. He’s blown more money than Ted DiBiase to look like a spent matchstick in a snowstorm.

Haven’t we established that shit like this is the reason Floyd Mayweather got taken and Soulja Boy “had to pop a nigga?” Why show off that ivory dictator’s palace to the world? I guess such a fate would be like karma for a guy like Akon. How can you sleep at night as an African nigga with a house full of ivory shit? I thought Africans shed a single tear every time an elephant died.

You know, like the Native American chief dude who cries when we litter by his blackjack table.

The team that comes for Akon on his day of reckoning isn’t gonna be your standard-issue jacker/kidnapper troupe. He’s gonna have deal with poachers and game wardens and shit. It’s gonna be messier than Trinidad in that bitch.

For a man willing to spend so much money on frivolous white shit, there’s no way his alligator pit is empty because he hasn’t “found the right alligator.” He ate that shit and shouldn’t be ashamed to admit it.

The fingerprint access panels are a nice touch. I guess it’s the one thing he could do in order to feel like a convict at all times. Bravo. Keep the dream alive, nigga. Keep the dream alive. He didn’t even have to go to the panel dealer in person. He just forwarded his shit from the county records.

I love how he goes in the backyard—the scene of the main fuckery—to show us his “first Lambo.” Here I thought he started singing after an extensive and lucrative career of stealing them shits with Vin Diesel.

As for the heart of the matter, what kind of nigga keeps a gas station in his house? That’s about the most ignorant shit ever. Aside from being a T-Pain shuffle step away from having a Neverland, way to be the face of two failing industries at once! With gas prices being so volatile, why would anyone keep more of it around than they’re actually going to use at a given time?


Akon is on the Usain Bolt track to Hammerdom. Now that I think of it, Hammer is my twigga. I’m gonna have to tweet old boy up and tell him to talk to Prince Akeem. I don’t wanna see the kid back on permanent safari because no one cared enough to speak up, you know? That’d be kind of unethical.

I would like to see him doing a Cash4Oil commercial with Dick Cheney though.

I hope ‘Kon got a nice discount from Chevron to display that pole. If all that shit isn’t fully paid for, he’s gonna fuck around and have make that shit into a full-service spot one day.

Questions? Comments? Requests? I’d drive down there just to put $50 on pump 1.

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