Predictions For 2029…

space suit

I think I will zag while most people are zigging. I will still Zig-Zag in 2009, actually, I am doing more bonging and bowling. I never really zagged at all. Especially since the Gonzaga basketball team is affectionately nicknamed the ‘Zags in the mainstream sports media. White men can’t jump. My point is that I like to do shit different not just to do shit different but to do shit on a more futuristic level.

How many nickel and dime fools are talking about 2008 like that shit was all that? Nothing happened in 2008 that is gonna change shit in 2009, but in 2016 we will have the first woman president of the United States of America and that will bring all kinds of crazy shit into our lives. We won’t even hardly be listening to rap music by then. The kids will be listening to this crazy melding of country music, salsa and R-n-B that was created by WyClef, T-Pain and Taylor Swift during a threesome they had in Mexico.

If you hate auto-tune you might should kill yourself today. The hottest christmas present in 2010 was this cellphone that converts all voices into that robotix sound you hear next to the MySpace captchas. That shit is fresh homeys. The best part is that all the people with emphysema that have had their tracheas removed don’t feel so fucked the fuck up anymore when they speak in public.

In 2029 some of us celebrate the 20th anniversary of the demise of MTV. It was a tough pill for MTV to swallow in 2009 that upon turning 28yrs old they were irrelevant and laughed at for their vain attempts to control the younger and stronger YouTube and its cousins like MetaCafe, Kyte and Vimeo. That and the legions of disgruntled former Viacom employees who help found the indie artist music network called fMtv (<– I pray one of my friends copyrights this).

Thankfully there are still some headlines that harken back to the simpler years like 2008…

  • DMX is arrested weekly.
  • T.I.’s gospel music tops the charts.
  • Asher Roth is widely considered the greatest rapper of all time.
  • No female rap records are released, but Jean Grae wins an Oscar for her portrayal of Leslie Uggams.
  • Jay-Z and BeYonce admit to being married after she hires cryogenically frozen attorney Raoul Felder to file divorce papers.
  • XXL Columnist and iNternets Celebrity Billy X. Sunday dies in fiery bus crash in Cuba.
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    • tony grand$

      Feliz nueva ano, my dude! First, on the second! Hahahaha……..

      • tony grand$

        I, such as the wise BXS, strive to do ish a lil diff, that’s my resolution. To make The Jones’ keep up with my black, um, African American ass.

        I predict, startin yestrday @ 1201 am, niggas gonna start talkin care of their lil ones.

        I predict by the end of this year, its gonna be more lesbians than the audience @ Ellen.

        I predict hip hop makin a comeback, ripe with all the flavors of the rap music matrix, love em or hate em…

        I predict that niggas aint gonna be buyin no albums tho, by 2018 we just gonna get that shit implanted directly into our brains, technology’s a mufuck.

        I don’t predict a female presi anytime soon tho, I think its gotta be a mexican dude, a chinese guy, and a gay cat first. Sorry ladies, gotta wait ur turn like the rest of us minorities.

        And I don’t see Sunday dyin in an accident, unless its a stampede @ the strip club bcuz all the $’s fucked up bcuz of the recession, & aint nutn worse than a broke stripper with nutn to lose!

        & lastly, I predict Soulja Boy losin his mind completely, goin postal @ a Ice-T concert and annihilatin the first three rows with homemade explosives & anthrax.

    • Matt Herbz

      I predict that in 2029, at the ripe, old age of 47, I will still have unwrinkled baby-soft skin, not a grey hair on my body, a well defined, muscular physique and still be able to pull in ANYTHING between 18 and 35–Females, that is. Plus, that is the year I’ll pull out the 1999 vintage Northern Lights Strain from my cellar and smoke that shit all fuckin year long. Yeah, it’s like that…and I’ll still be bumpin OB4CL and waiting for OB4CL2. This is how we rock…

      –Matt Herbz–

    • geico lizard

      -I predict in 2029 Dr. Dre will say detox is on the way in 2030.

      • Pierzy

        Haha. Along with Only Built 4 Cuban Linx II…

    • Incilin

      Leslie Uggams? Who? Geez, I had to Wiki that one.

    • Billy X. Sunday

      My bad, I just hyperlinked her picture

    • JERZEY


      • A yow

        Nigga fuck PAC

    • $ykotic

      U ill 4 this 1.

      Leslie Uggams? Was that a “Roots” moment? lol

      Dudes still emo “bout Pac? Homie go watch the Biggie flick.

      Or go make a Pac flick.

      I predict in 2029 Souljah Boy will host the Labor Day Jerry Lewis Telethon. Arab will need support.

      And iPods will be actually eyePods.
      And Jim Jones will be dressed like Neo accepting his Grammy for best Country Song of the Millenia.

      Happy New Year folks.

    • Billy X. Sunday

      Eyepods sounds wild futuristic

    • squadwildin

      Sykotic funny comment…especially that Jerry Luis shit

    • Crocker

      “XXL Columnist and iNternets Celebrity Billy X. Sunday dies in fiery bus crash in Cuba…” En route to the first interview with controversial rapper Tupac Shakur in over a decade.