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Predictions For 2029…

space suit

I think I will zag while most people are zigging. I will still Zig-Zag in 2009, actually, I am doing more bonging and bowling. I never really zagged at all. Especially since the Gonzaga basketball team is affectionately nicknamed the ‘Zags in the mainstream sports media. White men can’t jump. My point is that I like to do shit different not just to do shit different but to do shit on a more futuristic level.

How many nickel and dime fools are talking about 2008 like that shit was all that? Nothing happened in 2008 that is gonna change shit in 2009, but in 2016 we will have the first woman president of the United States of America and that will bring all kinds of crazy shit into our lives. We won’t even hardly be listening to rap music by then. The kids will be listening to this crazy melding of country music, salsa and R-n-B that was created by WyClef, T-Pain and Taylor Swift during a threesome they had in Mexico.

If you hate auto-tune you might should kill yourself today. The hottest christmas present in 2010 was this cellphone that converts all voices into that robotix sound you hear next to the MySpace captchas. That shit is fresh homeys. The best part is that all the people with emphysema that have had their tracheas removed don’t feel so fucked the fuck up anymore when they speak in public.

In 2029 some of us celebrate the 20th anniversary of the demise of MTV. It was a tough pill for MTV to swallow in 2009 that upon turning 28yrs old they were irrelevant and laughed at for their vain attempts to control the younger and stronger YouTube and its cousins like MetaCafe, Kyte and Vimeo. That and the legions of disgruntled former Viacom employees who help found the indie artist music network called fMtv (<– I pray one of my friends copyrights this).

Thankfully there are still some headlines that harken back to the simpler years like 2008…

  • DMX is arrested weekly.
  • T.I.’s gospel music tops the charts.
  • Asher Roth is widely considered the greatest rapper of all time.
  • No female rap records are released, but Jean Grae wins an Oscar for her portrayal of Leslie Uggams.
  • Jay-Z and BeYonce admit to being married after she hires cryogenically frozen attorney Raoul Felder to file divorce papers.
  • XXL Columnist and iNternets Celebrity Billy X. Sunday dies in fiery bus crash in Cuba.
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