Holy fuck! I can’t stop laughing! Is this the kind of Oprah Winfrey “finding your spirit” bullshit we can expect from Uncle L’s blog going forward?

“The next chapter of your life has begun… The toughest decisions you will ever have to make lie in front of you. Decisions that will require you to choose between integrity and necessity enact the promises made to millions of people and recognize a change in perspective that will sometimes make those promises impossible to keep. Only you will be able to make those choices.”LL Cool J, Open Letter to Barack Obama via AllHipHop.com

Bwaaaahahahahhaa! Then LL winked and handed Barack a stick of Old Spice Swagger. Of course, this is after anxiously shrieking that trampled chipmunk noise he used to make back in the rec room era.

*long sniff* Nice! *obligatory lip lick*

Let's all thank Captain Obvious and his trusty sidekick, Mr. Redundancy Man for this indispensable message.

I just watched the Global Grind Celebreality press conference for Ruthell Thimmonth’s new B-list Super Blogger initiative. After sizing up his newly-assembled staff of LL Cool J, Toccara, Toccara’s Tig Ol' Bitties (who remarkably can type 65 words-per-minute), Ben Chavis Muhammad Full-Jesse, Kevin Liles and either DJ Green Lantern or Knicks forward Tim Thomas, I’d have to say… XXL’s rotation is still better.

Why? Because we won’t be giving Barack Obama any Hallmark card advice like the shit you just peeped above.

As if Barack Obama needs advice from fucking LL Cool J. Unless a nigga need to know where to get that hot new protein shake at, the Farmers Boulevard Phenomenon is going to be of very little help to the Obama Administration.

LL Cool J hasn’t so much as portrayed a public school secretary in his extensive acting career. It’s not like he’s Morgan Freeman, Chris Rock or Dennis “Pedro Serrano” Haysbert who can offer a little perspective on what it’s like to be a black President. Maybe as Barack’s elder, LL feels he can offer a little life experience or something.

Damn. Now that I think of it, I don’t know if I’d even want rap or acting advice from LL at this point. The same feeling overcame me when I heard Kevin Liles imply that just anyone can be a journalist thanks to blogspot. [Blogger's Note: Clearly he was somehow trying to validate calling himself a journalist.] Nothing that’s barely escaped the flaming wreckage of turn-of-the-millenium Def Jam need offer tutelage to anyone… except on how to stay working in these trying economic times.

That’s pretty impressive, Liles. Maybe just anyone can fumble the hottest rap label that ever happened to ever like Tony Romo with the game on the line. But alas, I digress.

While Obama does look like he’s been secretly licking his lips for the past 30 years, I think big homie’s got this one. LaShawn and Troop would be better off with the kind words (and a warm meal) this winter. Shit, even one of those Troop jackets you don’t wear anymore would be a better gesture.

Children, don't take advice from the guy still trying to find Exit 13 on the Negro, Please Retire Expressway. "The next chapter of your life has begun?" Sheeeeit. If that ain't the pot calling the kettle "nigger..."

Questions? Comments? Requests? Vegas Odds on Metamucil being the next product placement for Camp Cool J? ron@ronmexicocity.com


goochie mane
mr. len

You can press those t-shirts up and not be ashamed… to be a blog nerd!

PPS: I used to own a Troop jacket.