LL Cool J’s Got Advice for Barack Obama

Holy fuck! I can’t stop laughing! Is this the kind of Oprah Winfrey “finding your spirit” bullshit we can expect from Uncle L’s blog going forward?

“The next chapter of your life has begun… The toughest decisions you will ever have to make lie in front of you. Decisions that will require you to choose between integrity and necessity enact the promises made to millions of people and recognize a change in perspective that will sometimes make those promises impossible to keep. Only you will be able to make those choices.”LL Cool J, Open Letter to Barack Obama via AllHipHop.com

Bwaaaahahahahhaa! Then LL winked and handed Barack a stick of Old Spice Swagger. Of course, this is after anxiously shrieking that trampled chipmunk noise he used to make back in the rec room era.

*long sniff* Nice! *obligatory lip lick*

Let’s all thank Captain Obvious and his trusty sidekick, Mr. Redundancy Man for this indispensable message.

I just watched the Global Grind Celebreality press conference for Ruthell Thimmonth’s new B-list Super Blogger initiative. After sizing up his newly-assembled staff of LL Cool J, Toccara, Toccara’s Tig Ol’ Bitties (who remarkably can type 65 words-per-minute), Ben Chavis Muhammad Full-Jesse, Kevin Liles and either DJ Green Lantern or Knicks forward Tim Thomas, I’d have to say… XXL’s rotation is still better.

Why? Because we won’t be giving Barack Obama any Hallmark card advice like the shit you just peeped above.

As if Barack Obama needs advice from fucking LL Cool J. Unless a nigga need to know where to get that hot new protein shake at, the Farmers Boulevard Phenomenon is going to be of very little help to the Obama Administration.

LL Cool J hasn’t so much as portrayed a public school secretary in his extensive acting career. It’s not like he’s Morgan Freeman, Chris Rock or Dennis “Pedro Serrano” Haysbert who can offer a little perspective on what it’s like to be a black President. Maybe as Barack’s elder, LL feels he can offer a little life experience or something.

Damn. Now that I think of it, I don’t know if I’d even want rap or acting advice from LL at this point. The same feeling overcame me when I heard Kevin Liles imply that just anyone can be a journalist thanks to blogspot. [Blogger's Note: Clearly he was somehow trying to validate calling himself a journalist.] Nothing that’s barely escaped the flaming wreckage of turn-of-the-millenium Def Jam need offer tutelage to anyone… except on how to stay working in these trying economic times.

That’s pretty impressive, Liles. Maybe just anyone can fumble the hottest rap label that ever happened to ever like Tony Romo with the game on the line. But alas, I digress.

While Obama does look like he’s been secretly licking his lips for the past 30 years, I think big homie’s got this one. LaShawn and Troop would be better off with the kind words (and a warm meal) this winter. Shit, even one of those Troop jackets you don’t wear anymore would be a better gesture.

Children, don’t take advice from the guy still trying to find Exit 13 on the Negro, Please Retire Expressway. “The next chapter of your life has begun?” Sheeeeit. If that ain’t the pot calling the kettle “nigger…”

Questions? Comments? Requests? Vegas Odds on Metamucil being the next product placement for Camp Cool J? ron@ronmexicocity.com

PS:

byron
billy
ronnie
jackpot
goochie mane
mr. len

You can press those t-shirts up and not be ashamed… to be a blog nerd!

PPS: I used to own a Troop jacket.

  • Pierzy

    Ron, this is just a cry for help. We all know LL needs love…and a size 22 and a 1/2 hat to cover that dome of his.

    • http://www.ronmexicocity.com Ron Mexico

      awww, damn. all the time it took him to take that hat off and you just slam it right back the fuck on.

      world so cruel.

  • DV8

    what does this football helmet head nigga think he doing? LL go away already damn! I know you been in the game since the Book of Genesis and what not, and that your one of the greats with 20+ years of relevance *coughs*. But stop it. The Old Spice fumes must be killing your brain cells.

    Oh and by the way Ronnie, thats my quarterback *breaks into tears*(no not really) Its on next year buddy G-Men are Clark Kent like without Cheddar Plax. Oh yeah if Plax walks from this gun charge then they gotta free Prodigy and everybody else in NY on bullshit gun charges.

  • $ykotic

    “After sizing up his newly-assembled staff of LL Cool J, Toccara, Toccara’s Tig Ol’ Bitties (who remarkably can type 65 words-per-minute)….”

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAH!

    I actually had them red troops LL had on “BAD” with the white troop jacket! BLECHHHHH!

  • murK

    haha hands him old spice stick. ll is not the dude in the hip hop game to give ANY advice to politicians. ll retire, your place in hip hop is sealed. just go.

    • http://www.ronmexicocity.com Ron Mexico

      totally! legend? yes. hall of famer? definitely. still welcome? ehhh.

      don’t robert parish yourself. if he retired when he was supposed to have not only is he a first ballot HOF, but the kids don’t remember him as doo-doo butter.

      isn’t legacy what it’s all about? because my little brothers remember him getting shit on by patrick, not winning chips and being one of the 50 greatest.

  • amar

    wow that sound so generic. It’s like those essays you uusd to be able to download for free online off sparknotes.com where you’d state your book’s title, author, main characters and genre and they’d make a generic essay for you by sticking those keywords into a pre-defined template.

  • BIGNAT

    man ronny you must be lying toccara can’t even see the keyboard with them big tittes in front of her hahaha

  • FlapJack

    hahahah! great post!

    Obama is probably like: Finally!

    That shit is something you say to your son in gay movies LL, not to the president.

    • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com tony grand$

      Sounds like dudes recordin an inspirational speech for handicapped midget children, I mean vertically challenged special needs kids.

      U called Cool J Obama’s elder, FOH! Hahaha. Canibus been waitin for that exact moment to comeback out, & strike Uncle L while he’s as exposed as a hookers ass in the summer.

      Barak prolly gonna Ludacris his ass for that.

      “Uh, thanks, but no thanks.”

      • FlapJack

        Hahahaha!
        The Government should have a public statement saying:
        Obama does not in any way, shape or form endorse or tolerate shamelessly halfassing through your deadbeat career.

        Or maybe Barack should just make an open letter to LL Cool J titled Negro Please.

        I’m too young to remember LL the rapper, all I remember is the liplicking, smoothtalking, worst sitcoms ever-having, shitty acting, allways flexing, tryna look sexy for the camera-ing faggot he’s been for the last 15 years.
        Ouch!

        • http://tonygrands.blogspot.com tony grand$

          Wow!

          I complete forgot about “In Da House” starrimg Debbie Allen!

          Broke ass “Fresh Prince” knock off. That niggas name was Marion, hahahahahahahah!

        • amar

          ah…

          the days when a rapper could make a show about picking up women and making fun of the dude who played carlton in fresh prince without ppl noticing it was a complete ripoff of fresh prince…those were the days

  • Curtis75Black

    FlapJack, I think it’s time to do some real research if you’re too young to remember. I know one has nothing to do with the other and yes, It did sound quite obvious with what the speech contained, but I guess Young Jeezy would’ve done better huh ? At least he’s “relevant” in “todays” Hip Hop Market being we’re in a recession and all. A Hip Hop Vet speaking positive is alot worse than a man rappin’ about his Lambo and Diamond color. Sometimes I wonder if ya’ll really fans of Hip Hop and just writers looking for something to write about.

  • bongolock

    ha ha good stuff

  • FlapJack

    Done some wikipediaing. so now I know he didn’t fall off, he started that way…
    “I need love” SMH at Ladies Love old Ja Rule

    • http://www.ronmexicocity.com Ron Mexico

      he was REALLY good at it at one point though.

      AND he had hit MC tracks too. wasn’t his specialty, but he was once legitimately dope. kinda had to be there, i guess. it wouldn’t seem so dope NOW. haha.

  • Curtis75Black

    It’s funny what a Battle can do to an emcee. 12 Years ago on that 4,3,2,1 track, a lyrical spar was all it took for niggas to get amnesia and act like they don’t know a legend anymore. I find that shit so funny how if you WAS old enough to know Uncle L’s shit, you’ll say “at one time he was Dope and you just had to be there”, like he’s RedHead Kingpin or Father MC. This nigga has a Diverse catalog and that’s one of the reasons why he’s still around today. Don’t act like you forgot, Ill Bomb, The BreakThrough, Get Down, Doo wop, It get’s no Rougher, Homicide or The conceptual tracks in Pink Cookies.. and No Airplay. I can see why you wouldn’t acknowledge “RingTone Murder” or “Dear Hip Hop” and “U Better Watch Me” being that it was on his latest but How you gonna act like “Murdergram , 357 Breakdown, 10 Million Stars, Fa Ha and “I Can’t Think” ain’t Hot. What aboout his collabos with Meth and Red (4 Seasons), Keith Murray (Incredible) or EPMD (Rampage) don’t hit shit. I guess it’s all about the ladies to ya’ll also since that’s all ya’ll like to mention when it comes to his music.

    • http://www.ronmexicocity.com Ron Mexico

      maybe this is just not how some of us want to remember LL. mr. smith was the last LL shit i felt. the hard shit after that felt forced.

      it had nothing to do with canibus. i don’t care WHO wrote it. ripper strikes back was ether. so i’m not in the grouping of those who feel like canibus ended him. he robert parish to me.

      awesome for him that you’re still down, though.

  • Curtis75Black

    Ron, I feel you and I remember when Mr. Smith dropped and niggas was calling That shit wack !! Basically every cd after Momma Said was looked at like flawed material because it wasn’t Mama Said ! I’m really surprised to hear Someone other than a few Hip Hop heads, especially a Journalist gives L his due with The Ripper Strikes Back. I always felt like I heard a different song the way some of yall talk about it. It’s comical how you express”retirement” for the man but wait 10 years for a new Rakim cd – yes, It’s been THAT long. Wait tooth and nail for a OBFCL sequel when Raekwon hasn’t really done shit after that and especially wait for a Dre cd, when he doesn’t even write lyrics, just dying to call it classic !!

  • http://www.myspace.com/emcdlthemusicprofile EmCDL

    Man Ron thats messed up the way you got on LL like that….but hillarious as hell too! LMAO

    I mean you can’t really fault the man for trying to be “inspirational” and all that shit…he was trying…but at the same time got damn that shit corny! Just do your Old Spice thang LL Cool Jock lol