Let me guess: Fiddy Cent and Rick Ross both have albums coming out soon, and no one gives a shit, so a few phone calls were made, and now they're gonna be beefing with one another.

Rick Ross would seem to have a certain degree of momentum going into this, his third album... except for the fact that it was revealed last year that he used to be a cop. Or rather, a corrections officer. Which might actually be worse than being a cop, in that you occasionally have to witness guys jerking off, and fucking each other in the ass, and some of them might even fling their poo at you, as if they were monkeys. (I used to watch a lot of those prison specials on HBO back in the '90s. Nullus.)

But I don't recall hearing Rawse's songs on the radio any less, once we all saw those pictures of him at his police academy graduation, swathed in yards upon yards of gray polyester, or that document he had to sign stating that he'd be willing to shoot an inmate in his back, if he tried to hop the fence, even if he was just in there for weed.

Something tells me that the consequences would have been way worse, if Rawse wasn't from Florida. People from the South just don't have the same standards for their rappers as people in other parts of the country. That's probably why they can't rap as well. For example, could Fiddy Cent's career have withstood him making a commercial, like that one T.I. made, explaining to people how to taddle to the police?

I know Fiddy's been rumored to be down with 5-0, which follows him around constantly, but I wouldn't be surprised if that's just because they're waiting for him to get shot. They figure if he does get shot, and they're not actually around to see it, there's no way they'll ever find the culprit, what with hip-hop's no snitching ethos. Even if there's 10 people standing there watching as it happens.

Unless one of those people is T.I. Ha!

No but really, it was hard for me to be too amused by "Officer Ricky," 50 Cent's new dis record going at Rick Ross, knowing good and well there's no way Fiddy Cent's gonna shoot Rick Ross. He's not even gonna pay someone from the projects. Best case scenario, maybe he'll have one of his weed carriers snatch Rick Ross' chain, or stab him with a fork (would gravy come out?), or slap one of his kids.

It's too bad Fiddy could probably give a rat's ass about his baby's mother. I'm sure he's concerned with her trying to suck him dry for child support, but I doubt he gives a rat's ass what anyone says about her on a record. I know he didn't seem to be at all when I mentioned that she has what you might call a prodigious rack, and that he ought to be able to play with it as a condition of his child support payments. Maybe Rick Ross read my post and thought it was open season on mentioning Shaniqua in a song. He wasn't trying to dis Fiddy or anything, he just thought the whole situation was amusing. Who can blame him?

What I'd like to see is for someone to find something to say about Fiddy that would really piss him off, to the point where he might do something stupid. Not because I think Fiddy would be inspired to write a dis song that doesn't suck balls. I don't think Fiddy is capable of writing a dis song that doesn't suck balls. But just because I'm bored like that. I don't know if it's the economy or what, but we've already had umpteen rap beefs so far this year, and all of them are pretty much gay - a buncha rappers with no careers going at each other's throats, as if anyone gives a shit, and the few guys who do still have viable careers sounding like they can't be bothered.

At the very least, it'd be nice to get Fiddy back to the point where he's doing some amusing shit-talking at the end of his records. That used to be his strong point. But the monologue towards the end of "Officer Ricky" didn't really do it for me at all. In particular, the part where he tries to bait Lil' Wayne, and talks about how he's the smallest ninja in his crew, as if he's trying to enlist Dr. Dre and Eminem to join with him, just sounds desperate. It's not everyday I find myself changing pants agreeing with Rick Ross, but I'm gonna have to agree when he says that Fiddy could have come way harder than he did. No homo.