Akon’s Peter Pan Complex

Let me find out Akon been chillin in Neverland.

R&B star AKON has no idea how old he is.  His birth certificate suggests he was born in April, 1977, which makes him 31 - but he refuses to believe he’s that old; in 2006, he told one interviewer he was 25.

And the Smack That hitmaker tells the Associated Press he has no interest in checking his age: “All it’s going to do is depress me. I don’t want to know I’m getting older. Then I’ll start to think about getting check-ups and insurance. I don’t want that.” The Senegalese star adds, “In Africa… age is not important. They don’t care. I feel like I’m 21 right now, and I’ll be 21 for the next 10 years.” –Akon, Associated Press via Bossip

This nigga Akon suffers from that Dikembe Mutombo disease, and I ain’t talkin bout malaria. Mutombo still runnin around tellin sorority chicks he only 31. His player card says he’s 45. His grandchildren say he’s gotta be at least 8 hyena.

That’s 56 in people years.

If Akon’s a little Young Buck "kunfroosed," all he needed to do was ask. The New Balance Talent will gladly help! I’m a generous motherfucker like that. I’ll tell you all how old he is: too damn old to be re-enacting WWE moves on his pubescent fans. Didn’t they put a 12 year-old boy away for life behind that same exact shit?

Speaking of kids, he’s also too old to be dry-humping children on the damn stage. I don’t care if it’s Carnival. You ain’t fuckin Elephant Man. Do the whiny chorus thing and keep it the fuck movin. I know she didn’t look 11, or whatever the fuck age her triflin ass was, but when in the public eye you must know better.

[Blogger’s Note: Like T.I. and the Adventures of the Nappy Dugout… also on Bossip.]

So, Akon means to tell us that after all these hit records and notorious car-theft rings and shit he still ain’t got no damn health insurance? What is he, a blogger? Could someone please remind this nigga he ain’t been in Africa for like 20 years? It’s okay to go to the damn doctor. There must be some other inconvenient truths he’s trying to hide from… like blood test results.

[Blogger’s Note: You don’t have to be back in the motherland to get that monster, but it helps.]

Don’t believe the hype. Akon knows how old he is. All he had to do was count the stripes on the zebra in the backyard. The sad part is that 31 is his Dominican ball player age. A nigga know damn well from whenever they started counting, that he wasn’t fuckin 7 years old with a goatee and a kid on the way. I know the mandingo power of the original man is what makes us all great, but no.

I’ll bet a tray of fufu that dude is 36 and playin himself. This nigga was sellin programs and fake lion skin at the Ali-Foreman fight. Check When We Were Kings.

Questions? Comments? Requests? Need to be carbon dated? ron@ronmexicocity.com

P.S.: I didn’t come to be king. I came to hate. From the root to the fruit.

P.S.S.: I'm sorry, champ! I-I took that belt... and I put it in my ARM! *sniffle*