2008 Negro Please Awards – Vol 2.: The Hard Knock Life
*Lupe Fiasco and band take banana break*
Ron Mexico: Please direct your attention to screen #2 for a very important message from Auto-Tuuuuuuuuuuune!
T-Pain: What it do, errrbody? This Teddy Pain AKA Nappy Boy. This year a lot of y’all karaoke fuck niggas was like, really really trynna go in with the robot voice, huh? Most of y’all ended up soundin like Ron Browz and shit and ain’t been doin it right. That’s why we done came up with Auto-Tune Fitty-Leb’m (Fifty-Leven). It come pre-loaded with T-Pain hooks, bridges and even verses! Awwl yo’ old fuck nigga ass need to do is press the damn space bar. Now when you buy your Auto-Tune, you’re guaranteed to get this shit right!
Auto-Tune Fitty-Leb’m come with a extended warranty and at least two hooks left off my new album, Alcoholic Stripper Circus. Also in the box is yo’ Auto-Tune permission slip. You fill this out with the name of your new song and a link to your Myspace or whatever, and I’ll tell you if it’s okay for you to put your record out, or if you’s just a karaoke fuck nigga what need to getcha ass down to the post office and look for a job!
Ron Mexico: Robot voice. Robot voice. All the kids love the robot voice! Presenting our next award is… No. Not you, Kanye. Please sit down.
Kanye West: *ascending to main stage* No, Ron. I don’t think I’ll sit down. *removes jacket* *starts unfastening belt* How y’all gonna have the Ether of the Year and my shit ain’t even nominated? *kicks shoes into crowd*
RM: I guess the people didn’t think any of your days deserved to be up there with the Diddy Christmas, the DMX/Scott Storch, the Rick Ross… you know?
KW: Well, until you AND your people give me what I deserve, I’m gonna stand up here butt-ass naked. *drops trousers*
RM: What the FUCK?! SECURITY!!! Please escort Mr. West–
KW: *starts masturbating* Nuh-uh! Tell them niggas to fall back. I’ll bust a Louis Vuitton logo right on somebody forehead. I ain’t playin! I know you don’t pay your cousins enough for that shit!
*Security Cousins nod in agreement*
RM: *thinking quickly* Oh, look! Your Conan appearance blog was nominated for Ether of the Year! Silly me. How could I not have seen this?
KW: *stops jerking* Really?! Damn. I knew you was alright, cuz–
RM: HEYELL NO! Ricky! GET HIS NEKKID ASS OFF MY STAGE! *waits for Security Cousins to drag Kanye’s naked ass off stage* Wow. That nigga really had a banana peel instead of a pocket square. I-I-… *deep breath* Alright. The 2008 Negro Please Ether of the Year Award goes to… *opens envelope* Wow. I can’t believe it! “A Letter to–”
*envelope spontaneously bursts into flame*
What the FUCK?! *to crowd* Yo, man. Did y’all see that shit just disappear?! I mean… it was right there in front of us just a second ago and…
Datwon “Flash” Thomas: *hands Ron XXL envelope* *whispers in Ron’s ear* *smiles* *waves* *calmly exits stage*
RM: *opens envelope with screwface* Ah, yes. Of course. *clears throat* The 2008 Negro Please Ether of the Year Award goes to “DMX Marks the Spot… Scott Storch’s.”
Audience: *chanting* Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate! Hate!
RM: As you all know, DMX can’t be here tonight, so I’ll be holding on to this NP Award for the next 3-to-5 joints or whatever. In the meantime, please direct your attention to screen #1 for a message we can’t refuse.
[NP Negro Please Ether of the Year Award Honorable Mention: A Very Diddy Christmas | Yung Berg’s WHITE Club | Soulja Boy Loves Massa | Bill O’Reilly Thinks He’s Got Nas’ Number | I Guess Rick Ross Wasn’t Lying]
Ron Mexico: Ah, yes. It still gets no colder than “The D.” *smiles* To present the highly-coveted Negro of the Year Award for 2008’s Best Overall Negrous Performance, please welcome Ya Woy Ply!
Plies: Thank you, Mr. Mexico. I’d also like to take the time to thank my esteemed colleagues, panel, viewers and all others representing the fine academy that is the Negro Please caucus. Before proceeding, I’d like to offer a selection from the great black scholar W.E.B. DuBois, who has been a great inspiration for my work. He once said, “The cost of liberty is less than the price of repression.” If you aren’t aware what he means by that, I suggest you examine the lyrics of my hallowed opus, “Bust It Baby Pt. 2.”
RM: *tilts head and gives confused look*
Plies: Our 2008 Negro of the Year is none other than… *opens envelope* Consummate urban mogul and purveyor of fine vodka, Sean “Diddy” Combs!
Diddy: *approaches podium* Awww, man. God. Praises be to You, Lord! This is better than a Golden Globe! I mean, I know what some of y’all thinking. Some of y’all think Soulja Boy should have got this, or R. Kelly, or maybe even Kanye. But I’mma tell you what’s good. Nobody worked harder for this than me this year. I had my Diddy Blogs, umm my James Bond cologne commercials, I-I poured orange juice on my Froot Loops for you! So, it really feels great to put my hands on an award of any kind again. It’s been a while, so thank you!
<APPLAUSE sign flashes>
RM: Always great to see people work as hard as possible to attain their goals. *winks at Cassie in front row* And now a commercial message from yet another obstacle of black progress, no doubt. *covering microphone (to Plies)* I didn’t know you fucked with that DuBois, my nigga.
Plies: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Don’t thank cu’nigga goonin’ he cain’t eee’n be done looked inna couple book’n whateva. I done—
RM: McDonald’s place mat?
Plies: *looking at shoes* Yeah. But that don’t mean I don’t mean it, doe!
[NP Negro of the Year Honorable Mention: Kanye West | Soulja Boy Tellem | DMX | Jim Jones | R. Kelly | Yung Berg]
Ron Mexico: We’ll be back with more of the 2008 NP Awards after this…