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2008 Negro Please Awards – Part One: The Hateleader’s Manifesto

*corny intro music performed by Lupe Fiasco & The Rubberband All-Stars*

Not just another day at the office!
NOT just another day at the office!

Welcome to the 2008 Negro Please Awards Ceremony!

Before we officially commence our celebration of niggerdom, I’d like to take this time to wholeheartedly thank each and every one of you who have read, enjoyed and contributed your thoughts to this great symposium of hate. Given that we live in an era where critical thought and freedom of expression are the cardinal sins of our culture, I salute ye who walk with me daily. In the true spirit of our forefather, The Hon. Silk E. Johnson, we live the vision of The Haters’ Ball every single day.

Thanks for welcoming me to the XXL family this summer. Without you, there is no Ron Mexico City or Negro Please. So, negro, please raise your challis and give yourself a round of applause!

Alright. That’s enough, bitches. Without further ado, may the ceremony commence!

*draws stage curtain* *Lupe Fiasco stops singing and shuffling*

Announcer: To present the NP Award for Nigger Moment of the Year, please welcome G-UNOT KILLA!

<APPLAUSE sign flashes>

G-UNOT KILLA: The nominees for Nigger Moment of the Year are… *looks around* Yung Berg for sayin black bitches is ugly wn/ they be comin out the pool. I don’t think he wrong. I was @ this one party w/ Suge Knight & OG Killa Bobby Johnson. Not the white nigga who be postin on the XXL. I mean tha REAL nigga from the movie. I was just about to hit Suge Knight w/ a bottle of Thunderbird for being a fake Piru when his bitch jumped in the pool and her weave came off. I was fuckin dyin so I dropped the bottle and that’s when OG Killa—

Ron Mexico: *pushes G-UNOT KILLA off stage* I told Jackpot not to let that throwed-ass nigga present the Nigger Moment Award. I’m sorry, people. *rubs temple* *takes deep breath*

Taking your comments and staff recommendations into consideration, the year’s most astounding Nigger Moment goes to Soulja Boy Tellem’s vocalized sympathy and praise for “the slave masters” by an overwhelming margin. While I appreciate air conditioning and the company of massa’s female descendants as much as the next field negro, we’re never to acknowledge enjoyment of such luxury! Besides, what good is it to enjoy tattoos and ice when our brothers scattered around the world are still reeling from the effects of kidnapping and colonial genocide?

<APPLAUSE sign flashes>

Which brings us to our first sponsor. Please direct your attention to screen #1.

Because niggas is watchin'. You know we're in a recession, right?
Because niggas is watchin. This IS a recession, you know?

[NP Nigger Moment Award Honorable Mention: Yung Berg's Dark Butt Commentary | Tyga Eating Money | Rick Ross' Coming Out Party (C.O.P.) | Dem Franchize Boyz Burning Money | R. Kelly's Question for a Question | Young Buck's "Confused" Telephone Demeanor]

Our next trophy is the NP Coon of the Year Award (for excellence in racial embarrassment).

With 2008 officially in the books (that our winner has never read), this young man’s devotion to regression has at several points made us ashamed to be colored in public. While 2009 finds an animated program, sneakers, Michael Jackson/Cap’n Crunch clothing and an inevitable new slave dance attached to his dwarfing star, 2008 served his initiative wonderfully down to the final week. Please give a special slipknot welcome to your nigger and mine, Porch Monkey of the Year, Soulja Boy Tellem!

*Kanye West approaches podium*

Kanye West: Soulja Boy couldn’t be here to accept this because he’s not ready to leave his XBOX at home alone just yet, you know, so soon after the heartless incident. He did ask me to accept this award for him if he won and to read this speech he texted me.

*fiddles with BlackBerry* *clears throat*

It says, “I’d like to thank Kanye West for inspiring me to do great things and to stand out for being who I am. I’d also like to thank Kanye West for making me interested in fashion. I wish I could dress as nice as him and it would be a dream come true to have him design my clothing line. I thank Kanye West for making it so that I could make money from rap because without his fresh, hip-hop wouldn’t have never got started. If I forgot anyone, please forgive me. It’s hard to remember everyone, but you know I love you all. Thank you.”

Ron Mexico: *picks up dropped jaw* Ummm… Please direct your attention to screen #1 for a word from another sponsor.

So hot, bitch won't give it back!
RUSHCARD: So hot, bitch won't give the shit back!

Russell Simmons: Hi, I’m Ruthell Thimmonth. A lot of you niggath are wondering why white people look at you funny in thoreth and thit. Ith becauth you’re the only motherfuckerth with $430 in mattreth cath. Thop that thith! Thwipe your way to thothietal atheptanth with the thame little-ath bit of money you alwayth had. Now you can buy a Tharface jacket juth like you buy Juithy Juith with the EBT card. Unlike with cath, when the junkie uncle you thill live with at grandma-nana house theal your thit, he’ll be mad ath fuck when he doethen’t know your PIN or your balanth.

Thank y’all for coming out. God bleth you. Good night.

Oh, yeah. If you thee Kimora or thmell that African nigga thee been fuckin in my houth around my thildren, thout me a holler.

[NP Coon of the Year Award Honorable Mention: Yung Berg | Kanye West | Diddy | Busta Rhymes & Ron Browz | Plies]

We’ll be back with more of the 2008 Negro Please Awards after this short break.

[Read 2008 Negro Please Awards – Part Two]

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