2008 Negro Please Awards – Part One: The Hateleader’s Manifesto

*corny intro music performed by Lupe Fiasco & The Rubberband All-Stars*

Not just another day at the office!

NOT just another day at the office!

Welcome to the 2008 Negro Please Awards Ceremony!

Before we officially commence our celebration of niggerdom, I’d like to take this time to wholeheartedly thank each and every one of you who have read, enjoyed and contributed your thoughts to this great symposium of hate. Given that we live in an era where critical thought and freedom of expression are the cardinal sins of our culture, I salute ye who walk with me daily. In the true spirit of our forefather, The Hon. Silk E. Johnson, we live the vision of The Haters’ Ball every single day.

Thanks for welcoming me to the XXL family this summer. Without you, there is no Ron Mexico City or Negro Please. So, negro, please raise your challis and give yourself a round of applause!

Alright. That’s enough, bitches. Without further ado, may the ceremony commence!

*draws stage curtain* *Lupe Fiasco stops singing and shuffling*

Announcer: To present the NP Award for Nigger Moment of the Year, please welcome G-UNOT KILLA!

<APPLAUSE sign flashes>

G-UNOT KILLA: The nominees for Nigger Moment of the Year are… *looks around* Yung Berg for sayin black bitches is ugly wn/ they be comin out the pool. I don’t think he wrong. I was @ this one party w/ Suge Knight & OG Killa Bobby Johnson. Not the white nigga who be postin on the XXL. I mean tha REAL nigga from the movie. I was just about to hit Suge Knight w/ a bottle of Thunderbird for being a fake Piru when his bitch jumped in the pool and her weave came off. I was fuckin dyin so I dropped the bottle and that’s when OG Killa—

Ron Mexico: *pushes G-UNOT KILLA off stage* I told Jackpot not to let that throwed-ass nigga present the Nigger Moment Award. I’m sorry, people. *rubs temple* *takes deep breath*

Taking your comments and staff recommendations into consideration, the year’s most astounding Nigger Moment goes to Soulja Boy Tellem’s vocalized sympathy and praise for “the slave masters” by an overwhelming margin. While I appreciate air conditioning and the company of massa’s female descendants as much as the next field negro, we’re never to acknowledge enjoyment of such luxury! Besides, what good is it to enjoy tattoos and ice when our brothers scattered around the world are still reeling from the effects of kidnapping and colonial genocide?

<APPLAUSE sign flashes>

Which brings us to our first sponsor. Please direct your attention to screen #1.

Because niggas is watchin'. You know we're in a recession, right?

Because niggas is watchin. This IS a recession, you know?

[NP Nigger Moment Award Honorable Mention: Yung Berg's Dark Butt Commentary | Tyga Eating Money | Rick Ross' Coming Out Party (C.O.P.) | Dem Franchize Boyz Burning Money | R. Kelly's Question for a Question | Young Buck's "Confused" Telephone Demeanor]

Our next trophy is the NP Coon of the Year Award (for excellence in racial embarrassment).

With 2008 officially in the books (that our winner has never read), this young man’s devotion to regression has at several points made us ashamed to be colored in public. While 2009 finds an animated program, sneakers, Michael Jackson/Cap’n Crunch clothing and an inevitable new slave dance attached to his dwarfing star, 2008 served his initiative wonderfully down to the final week. Please give a special slipknot welcome to your nigger and mine, Porch Monkey of the Year, Soulja Boy Tellem!

*Kanye West approaches podium*

Kanye West: Soulja Boy couldn’t be here to accept this because he’s not ready to leave his XBOX at home alone just yet, you know, so soon after the heartless incident. He did ask me to accept this award for him if he won and to read this speech he texted me.

*fiddles with BlackBerry* *clears throat*

It says, “I’d like to thank Kanye West for inspiring me to do great things and to stand out for being who I am. I’d also like to thank Kanye West for making me interested in fashion. I wish I could dress as nice as him and it would be a dream come true to have him design my clothing line. I thank Kanye West for making it so that I could make money from rap because without his fresh, hip-hop wouldn’t have never got started. If I forgot anyone, please forgive me. It’s hard to remember everyone, but you know I love you all. Thank you.”

Ron Mexico: *picks up dropped jaw* Ummm… Please direct your attention to screen #1 for a word from another sponsor.

So hot, bitch won't give it back!

RUSHCARD: So hot, bitch won't give the shit back!

Russell Simmons: Hi, I’m Ruthell Thimmonth. A lot of you niggath are wondering why white people look at you funny in thoreth and thit. Ith becauth you’re the only motherfuckerth with $430 in mattreth cath. Thop that thith! Thwipe your way to thothietal atheptanth with the thame little-ath bit of money you alwayth had. Now you can buy a Tharface jacket juth like you buy Juithy Juith with the EBT card. Unlike with cath, when the junkie uncle you thill live with at grandma-nana house theal your thit, he’ll be mad ath fuck when he doethen’t know your PIN or your balanth.

Thank y’all for coming out. God bleth you. Good night.

Oh, yeah. If you thee Kimora or thmell that African nigga thee been fuckin in my houth around my thildren, thout me a holler.

[NP Coon of the Year Award Honorable Mention: Yung Berg | Kanye West | Diddy | Busta Rhymes & Ron Browz | Plies]

We’ll be back with more of the 2008 Negro Please Awards after this short break.

[Read 2008 Negro Please Awards – Part Two]

  • Neibo

    …this sheits better than the Ozone Awards…and a little more relevant….

    • Hate Hate and more Hate

      The Ozone awards should get a NP award for GP

  • Pierzy

    Yo, this is fantastic.

    First of, this had me rollin’:
    *Lupe Fiasco stops singing and shuffling*

    Then, the perfect impression of G-Unot Killa and “Ruthell Thimmonth.”

    BET and MTV both need to televise shit like this…

  • Neibo

    This is better and more relevant than the Ozone Awards…

  • Jhon da Analyst

    Mexico……..this shit had me rollin. Couldn’t said it better myself. Ha!! “texted”.

  • Matt Herbz

    Yeah, I bet you niggaz are jealous that the White Nigga got a table near the stage at this bitch. We’z just sippin on some Dom, smoking Cohibas and laughing our asses off at these fool-ass presenters. I can’t wait to see what kinda dumb shit’s gonna pop off in ’09, but best believe I’m a be here when it does…

    –Matt Herbz–

  • giantstepp

    The great Ron Mexico does it again!! LMAO at the whole post Mex! Genius, brilliant funny as fuck! Bol and BXS gotta tighten there game up, seriously.

    Ayo, I dont think G-Unot Killa is gonna take to kindly of his portrayal Mex. Watch it son…

  • geico lizard

    I already know snuggie,shamwow and any of that crap billy mays endorses will be popping up on your next commercial break,lmao.
    Billy Mays > Ron popeil

    G unot killa wont read this portrayal of him for awhile, im sure he is somewhere taking credit for the oakland riots. I think that was GUK crip walking on that police cruiser .

  • DBlock

    ^^^
    shamwow ftw!

  • FlapJack

    Kanye and the killa had me laughing

    What prize is diddy getting for diddyblog? DIDDYblog! DiddyBLOG!

  • Simple like ABC, 123

    These “2008 NP Awards” remind me of this:

    “Wu-Tang is for the children”
    ODB – Grammy Awards 98

    R.I.P. ODB Wu-tang Forever!!!

  • http://brillianceisproper.blogspot.com Brilliance Proper

    The Russell Simmons shit was so. fucking. on. point. I’m at work dying.

    • amar

      u pretty much stole my comment word for word hahaha

      good job methico, try not to get shot

  • tony grand$

    Foom………..SPLAT
    Foom………..SPLAT

    *security guard shines light on balcony @ tony grand$ drunk ass*

    “Hey, you! Stop spittin spitballs @ Mr. West”

  • Szasure

    G-unot Killa is this what made you chill with your stories

  • Lowedwn

    Damn I’m late….has anybody stole on Mike Jones yet? What, No Ciroc commercials, lol.

  • Jai Mone’t

    HA! Well damn Mex! You had me dyin when Ruthell Thimonths showed up.

    Hot damn! Yeah I’m waiting on Diddy to get his award
    And Soulja Boy is a fuckin idiot so congrats to him as well.

  • Machinko

    Re: Coon of the year-

    Plies wuz robbed!!!

    LOL

  • Curtis75Black

    From G-Unot crazy story to Russell Simmons Lisp to Kanye sucking his own dick this shit is so fickin’ Hilarious !! I’m glad I took the day off, my supervisor would be Highly Upset !!

  • Worley

    I had to finally scroll past that Mike Vick Valtrex pic to start reading this drop. That sh*t had me rollin’. Classic post Mex.

    G-Unot Killa is an XXL employee. Don’t sleep folks.

    • amar

      yeah for a minute i was thinking maybe mex is gunot killa. But his depiction of him wasn’t spot on, so i dunno bout that. TPAR is bol, now who the fuck is GUNOT Killa?

      • FlapJack

        It’s spider loc

        • EReal

          I think it’s actually The Game.

        • amar

          i love the game and no offense to him but…

          there’s no way he could
          a) have grammar that good (i realize the grammar isn’t good at all, my point stands)
          b) come up with stories that elaborate
          c) omit use of the n word that much in a single comment

          haha

  • $ykotic

    Soon as I saw the Vick flick I knew “ether” went in.

    “Ruthell”? hah!

  • anutha_level

    classic drop…almost tops your DMX/storch joint (greatest post ever)

  • master cheef

    didn’t want to include trick trick in there, somewhere?

  • http://www.xxlmag.com Jhon da Analyst

    Souljah Boy….Hands Down………. What up Rutthell.?? No Disrespect

  • DV8

    hilarious……

  • http://thatsmywordhiphopblog.blogspot.com Seattle Slim

    *Seattle Slim shows up late with an armful of swedish male models and fixes her jheri curl wig*

    Sorry I’m late! Let me take my seat because this shit right here is hilarious.

  • Deez Nutz

    WHERE’S PART 2? WHERE’S PART 2? This shyt right here nukka…this shyt right here *in my katt williams voice*

  • BIGNAT

    RUSHCARD: So hot, bitch won’t give the shit back!

    HAHAHAHAHAHA OH MAN

  • Jamal7Mile

    I see Tyga was nominated for honorable mention…

    I recall when Mex first posted that story under Negro Please and it led into one of the most INTENSE comment blogs I’ve ever seen! I was completely new to this community at the time and I was HOOKED ON THIS DAY!! (Sept.9-10, 2008, NP, I think).

    Click on Tyga’s honorable mention above to see what I’m talking about.