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2008 Negro Please Awards III: The Final Call

[Back to 2008 Negro Please Awards Part 2]

Ron Mexico: At this time we ask that you direct your attention to screen #1 as we present a Lifetime Achievement Award to our longest-running sponsor.

Try our new Recession Combos!
Try our new Recession Combos!

Popeye’s Spokeswoman: Hopefully all that reading and hard thinking you’ve been doing at Negro Please this year hasn’t made you too uppity to get your face a little greasy. In fact, we hope it’s worked up a hunger like never before. That’s why we’re proud to present, in time for the inauguration of our first Black President, our new Recession Combos!

Every 2pc.-14pc. (yes, some of you eat 14 pieces) Recession Combo comes with your choice of any TWO mouth-watering side-orders and a large Hennessy. A portion of each combo’s proceeds will go to The College Fund for Coloreds, an organization that’s been helping your people pay for higher education since higher education meant stepping it up from manual to cotton gin. *smiles proudly* *steps down from podium*

Ron Mexico: I don’t know that white bitch and have never taken a dime from Popeye’s Chicken in my life. *dabs forehead with handkerchief* That’s about some serious shameless shit right there.

*now reading prompter* As Blent approaches, the Negro Please staff and everyone at Ron Mexico City would like to wish you a safe and happy time of reflection.

Much like Kwanzaa, Blent is some shit me and my niggas made up to feel better about being disenfranchised coloreds. Once meaning “Blunted and Bent,” Blent now combines “Black” with “Lent” in observance of a 40-day period of lament and reflection that extends from Martin Luther King weekend through short-ass Black History month. As we prepare for Blent 2009, let us take a moment to ponder all that has made us sad in our blackness throughout the year that was.

Crowd: *mumbling about baby mamas/daddies, reality television, WSHH, bitch niggas, etc.*

Ron Mexico: Amen, my brothers and sisters. Before we announce the NP Fashion Award, let’s take a word from another sponsor on screen #3.

Where swirl-offenders are punished... with gay rumors.
Where swirl-offenders are punished... with gay rumors.

Bossip Staff: We fucks with Ron Mexico and all, but his suit at the NP awards is lookin a lil Jamie Foxx Show-ish, don’t you think? Check out Mexico and Dana Jacobson getting all hugged up right in front of Jemele Hill. Ouch. Plus, Kanye shows his pee pee and more after the jump!

Ron Mexico: I like what you said about my coat, Bossip. It’s made entirely of Keyshia Cole’s weave leavings. Anyway… Please welcome our next presenter, Diddy!

Diddy: Yeah. Yeah. Whattup, young world? *holding NP award* We did it! Ciroc Obama is President! *holds up Ciroc bottle* We finally here!

Now, as y’all know… Not everybody shit is fly as my Sean John Spring 09 Catalogue. Some of these niggas need to get up on this low-cost Enyce shit I’m about to put out this summer too. *tosses Enyce striped long-sleeve from 1998 into crowd* Yeah. Take that! Take that!

Crowd: *parting as if avoiding Kanye sperm* *grumbling about not picking up moth ball-smellin Enyce shit*

Diddy: The stylistically offensive nominee niggas is as follows: Jay-Z and his Supherhead Beads!

<APPLAUSE sign flashes, crowd obliges>

Jim Jones’ “Stolen” Rock Star Swag

<APPLAUSE sign flashes, crowd obliges>

Kanye West’s Conan Collection!

<APPLAUSE sign flashes, crowd moans>

Yung Berg’s Transformers Chain!

<APPLAUSE sign flashes, crowd obliges enthusiastically>

Soulja Boy Tellem’s “Tattoos and Ice”

<APPLAUSE sign flashes, crowd obliges>

And the winner is… *opens envelope* Awwww shit. BAWWWLLLINNNNNN!!!!! My nigga, Jim Jooooooones!

Announcer: This is the second nomination and first Negro Please Awards victory for Jim Jones

Jim Jones: *climbs up to stage* *scratches ass then nuts* Yea. I ain’t even think I was gonna get nothin to be honest. Cam ain’t get nominated! Cam ain’t get no awards. Who carryin’ the weed NOW, Killa? Who carryin the weed NOW?! Haaaaaaa! *pops bottle of champagne, spraying front few rows*

I ain’t even gon’ stunt tho. I need to thank Hot Topic for these belts and charms and shit. They always got what a nigga need for that rock star swag, ya dig? I got these skulls on my shit… *pauses* AYO, JUELZ! Get yo’ ass up here, nigga! Stop ackin like a fuckin dweeb and show everybody them new skulls you got from Hot Topic.

Juelz Santana: *climbing to stage* Yeah, these them new iced-out skull heads. Y’all already know. Skull Gang all day! *presents Hot Topic skulls* Step ya Hot Topic game up, for reals. We ain’t playin this year. A! *tries to return to seat*

Jim Jones: *grabbing Juelz by skull chain* Ayo, where the fuck you goin, bee?

Juelz Santana: I was about to go back to my–

Jim Jones: You ain’t goin nowhere til I say so. Now hold this award until I’m finished.

Juelz Santana: *grumbling under breath* Stankin-ass nigga.

Diddy: *laughing* THAT’S how you mold an artist!


Ron Mexico: Oh, shit. I done seen this movie before. *dips backstage*

Male Voice: THAT NIGGA RIGHT THERE! *points in Diddy’s direction* HAND IN MY POCKET!!!

Woman: He’s got a chair! *Male Voice stands to hurl chair at Puffy* *Woman jumps in front of chair taking full aluminum facial*

Diddy: CASSIE!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!! *jumps over Cassie and onto stage*

Chair Tosser: GET THE FUCK BACK DOWN HERE, NIGGA! *tosses another chair, hitting Diddy in back*

Jim Jones: Is that… *peeking from stage* Oh, shit! This nigga G-Dep throwin chairs! *hides under podium*

Juelz Santana: Oh, shit! Why he look like a rabid wolverine? *tries to join Jimmy under podium*

Jim Jones: *kicking Juelz away* Ain’t no room under here, nigga. Go find your own podium and shit!

Juelz Santana: *after hurling microphone in general direction of melee* UGH!!! I’m hit!

*screaming and trampling ensue, no one makes Special Delivery joke, police don’t arrive… ever*

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