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Charles Hamilton Blames Soulja Boy

–for sucking at life.

“Yeah, alright. [Soulja Boy’s] a smart kid. He used the online marketing thing, whatever whatever. He had like a billion views on YouTube. Had a bunch of Myspace friends. He’s smart for using the business. What the fuck does that have to do with him ruining the opportunity of people such as Cory Gunz, Mickey Factz, Kid Cudi to be accepted in the mainstream?! I really don’t wanna hear it, honestly. And I’m not trynna play Soulja Boy, but chill. It’s because of Soulja Boy that my day-to-day–the way I live, the Sonic the Hedgehog shit that’s dead real to me is considered a joke.”Charles Hamilton, Shade 45 radio via via WSHH

…and this is how we justify our thug.

“Don’t ever compare me to that nigga. First of all, he was rich before me. So he immediately took himself out of the bracket of comparison, number one. Number two: I been on my Sonic shit before the deal. Jimmy [Iovine] did not tell me, ‘Hey, we’re trying to work with Sonic. Let’s get this g–.’ No. I’ve developed my own shit over time. I’ve been the same me. I used to dress a lot weirder and then, all of a sudden, this word ‘hipster’ came out of nowhere.”Charles Hamilton, via WSHH

Damn. These are supposed to be the enlightened niggas.

I’ve blamed Soulja Boy Tellem for several things over the course of my blogging career. I’m convinced he’s the reason it’s harder for a nigga to catch a cab in New York. You can’t tell me Soulja Boy isn’t part of the reason the white lady at WalMart in Augusta, GA speaks reeeeally slowly to me–like I’d just gotten off the damn banana boat… again.

I refuse to co-sign Mr. Hamilton’s notion that fucking Soulja Boy is the reason no one wants to hear hipster rap. Shit. No one even wants to hear iSouljaBoy. How’s this his fault? Unless Mr. Boy is somewhere in the booth with Charles Hamilton when he lays those serendipitous anti-drug commercials he calls “hot 16s,” this whole shit is pretty fuckin baseless.

Considering how strong the haze be on 141st & Broadway, I wouldn’t be surprised if Charlie Boy were having spontaneous hallucinations of SB while trying to work.

Charles Hamilton: *rapping* Uptown alligator leathers in the 5th dimension of space and time/ with Dominican chicks bringing me pommegranate wine like*now speaking* WHAT THE FUCK?! *swatting violently*

Engineer: *through mic* You alright, Charles?

CH: Yoooooooo. Y’all don’t see this shit?! *still swatting*

EN: *looks at producer* The fuck you swattin your arms at?

CH: *running in circles* *flailing arms* FUCKIN SOULJA BOY! WHO LET ALL THESE SOULJA BOYS IN HERE!!!

Prodcuer: Oh, shit. He’s wiggin again. *sniffs bag of weed lying on empty seat* Oh, hell no. This that cropdusted shit from the Dominicans. I told you not to let him smoke this!

CH: *curled up in corner protecting face* Lacey, help meeeeeeeeee.

I don’t understand the meaning of this whole hipster vs. hopster beef when Charles Hamilton, Kid Cudi, Soulja Boy, Yung Berg, Mickey Factz and Cory Gunz all get their fruity hoodies from the same damn stores–I mean, “boutiques.”

Charlie Baltimore here seems more emotional now than a few years ago after learning he wasn’t getting the entire Encyclopedia Brown collection for Christmas. This is how angry MC Eiht sounded after Quik dropped “Dollarz + Sense.” How you gonna let Soulja Boy ether you without saying a word?

I guess DeAndre is a little nicer than we all give him credit for.

It’s hard to take an angry rant about Sonic The Hedgehog very seriously. This whole ordeal only reminds me of when I broke my little brother, Ricky Mexico’s high score on the first Sonic game. I figured out how to go “Super Sonic” first and he smashed the Genesis controller. That shit was dead real to us.

If Charles Hamilton loves Sonic so damn much we should call him “Tails.” If he grows his hair out like so many other rapsters do as their careers progress, we’ll call him “Knuckles.”

Let me lay some Echidna game down for you, Charlie. Hipsters’ whole deal is that they’re supposed to be quirky and smart. A smarter nigga would have known that the term “hipster” ain’t some new shit. It’s actually been around since before you were born. Actual hipsters actually despite the Starbucks your generation sips on.

“I been dressin weird for a long time” and “I been on my Sonic the Hedgehog shit” are desperate claims to the very shit you condemn SB for–lame-ass gimmicks. Enough people dig your off-kilter flow and persona whereas you shouldn’t resort to such bitchmade tactics. We Harlem niggas go get the fuck after it regardless what or how the nigga in the next lane is doing.

Except for the ones of us on dust and whatever. If such is the case, please disregard my advice and enjoy your PCP in PC peace.

[Blogger’s Note: I booed myself so you don’t have to.]

Hipster negro, please. Hamilton noted that he and Mr. Boy are labelmates. Maybe this hostility should be directed to the TIs that feed you, then. It would be they who choose to push his bathing ape over yours.

Questions? Comments? Requests? Soulja Boy made your daddy leave home?

P.S.: Cory Gunz ain’t even a freshman no more. I been hearin that nigga on mixtapes for like 10 years now. I wonder how old Peter is. It feels like Gunz, jr. been on-deck since “Deja Vu” was still warm.

Uptown, baby. Uptown, baby…

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