A Very Diddy Christmas
I hope you've all had yourselves a wonderful holiday season thus far. As the new year approaches, I only request that you "Rub this Ciroc.../ in your breasts and on your vaginaaaaa!"
Take that! Take that, you triflin' beyotch!!!! *pours Ciroc on triflin' beyotch*
Negro Please 2009! Ron Mexico City Records up in this bitch.
Since you missed me so much last week, we'll be starting the week off proper-like by addressing four SDN-finalist Diddy fuck-ups at once.
#1 - Fuck Your Holiday. It's Christmas!
Diddy doesn't give a fuck about your "holiday." It's Crimmus time, goddammit! The best part of all of this--besides the fact that he doesn't care what you may believe--is that he thinks December 25th is really Jesus' birthday. Damn. Niggas will believe anything Hallmark and K-Mart tell they shiny asses, I guess. For all we know, Jesus is probably an Aries like every-fucking-body else on earth. But as Puff has done with several of your favorite aspiring MCs' contracts, homie gone do what the fuck he want!
[Blogger's Note: Yes, if you celebrate Christmas and the person you're addressing does as well, "Merry Christmas" away. I don't celebrate Crimmus, but I wish "Merry Christmas" to all of my observing friends. Don't run up on Muslims and Jews and everyone else like "Fuck all the bullshit! It's Christmas, you fucking heathen! Take that!" That makes you the asshole. I know I'm a bit too late for this season, so that's some jewelry for next year.]
#2 - Diddy Claus' Homeless iPod Giveaway
"Excuse me, Mr. Puffy... I'm still hungry and freezing. Maybe instead of this music thingy you could drop me off somewhere warm?" -any homeless person handed an iPod nano on the streets of New York in the dead of winter
What the FUCK is a homeless person gonna do with an iPod besides sell the shit?! You might as well just hit these bums off with a grip or a plate like Nino Brown or some shit. At least Starbury hit the poor off with c-notes, kicks and dinner! As in, eating at the same table with a homeless dude... and watching television with them.
Them Diddy-pods is gonna be the #1 crack purchase on 42nd Street this January. I also found out that they'll be stocked with horrendous Puffy songs and such "inspirational" tunes as "Get A Job" and "I Teach My Children to Step Over Your Stankin Ass On Their Way to School in the Morning Where You Shoulda Been... Nyucka."
Way to turn the homeless into living, breathing, starving Bad Boy advertisements. I know the plan. That's some sick, Nazi Germany-era shit there. Let's take all the mentally ill that society doesn't care for and fill their brains with No Way Out so that when they're stammering at you on the subway, it'll be "I was a gentleman living in tenements/" coming out of their scraggly beards.
For fucking shame.
If the nanos are filled with miserably bad Puffy tunes, they might not be able to get resale value. And as amar the pretty pancake man pointed out, them vagrants are gonna be choked the fuck up when they realize they need a damn computer with innanets and iTunes to operate that shit.
#3 - ...And A Ciroc New Year!
Puffy is offering the City of New York a one million dollar donation to the charity of its choice in exchange for coloring the New Years Eve ball in Times Square "Ciroc Blue." If it only took a million dollars to change the New Years Eve ball in Times Square into product placement of some kind that shit would have already fuckin happened. Ronald McDonald would have been sliding down that bitch like a stripper at tuition deadline.
Why not just take that milli and make another shitty Black Bond/Sammy Davis, jr. IV commercial with it? I'm sure you can get a blue ball that way, and it won't even have to involve Cassie.
[Blogger's Note: *rimshot* I'll be here all week, people. Try the fish!]
P.S.: I still don't know a living soul who knows what that shit tastes like.
#4 - Derek Luke is Really Playing Puffy?!
And you know what... Derek Luke as Puffy in the Notorious film? Negro, please. Is that who Puffy sees when he looks in the mirror? Does he see Antwone Fisher in his "We Won't Stop"-era pictures? I know they didn't pick that nigga for his acting abilities.
P.S.: This Biggie movie is just one more way Puffy has found to make money off that poor dead rapster. Hopeully we at least get to see Gravy getting shot this time.
Take that! Take that!
Questions? Comments? Requests? Anyone know if I should bring a bottle of Ciroc to the New Years party I decide on attending? Or should I stick with my duck juice? email@example.com
Come back next Christmas time when I puts a little eggnog in ya face!