We wuz robbed!

Branching off from my post the other day about the Knux, and in the interest of wringing every last bit of amusement from the cover of this month’s issue of XXL, as if it was the only pr0n video you owned when you were 17 (ah, life before the Internets), I figured I’d take a look at 10 artists who didn’t make the cut and try to guess why they didn’t.

Without further ado…

Vic’s name: Bishop Lamont

Who he be: Yet another one of these guys who signed a deal with Aftermath, and, surprise, his album never came out. He probably wrote some stuff on Detox, which is never gonna come out, either. (Feel free to prove me wrong, Andre.) Dr. Dre probably figured it’d be cheaper to just buy some kid off the street and keep stringing him along, rather than have to pay guys like Jay-Z and Royce the 5’9 to write his shit. In that sense, he’s the hip-hop equivalent of the fat vampire Jason Stackhouse keeps chained in his basement on True Blood.

How he got caught slippin’: What’s the point in putting a rapper on the cover of XXL, if he’s never gonna release anything other than mixtapes? Even Lil’ Wayne eventually put out an album. If Interscope had any faith in this guy putting an album out any time soon, you know good and well a phone call would have been made.

Vic’s name: Black Milk

Who he be: The best new producer evar. He did some joints on those post-Dilla Slum Village albums, then he had a big breakthrough last year with his album, Popular Demand. This year, he produced Elzhi’s The Preface, smart people’s favorite rap album of the moment, and the much-anticipated follow-up to Popular Demand, Tronic.

How he got caught slippin’: Lack of commercial prospects. Even the inexplicable, requisite song for the bitches on Tronic, “Without U,” is far too basement-sounding to fit in a playlist with T.I.’s simp anthem “Whatever You Like.” I would add that his rappin’ ability is such that he ought to stick to beat-making, but obviously that’s not gonna be an issue in this day and age.

Vic’s name: Cool Kids

Who he be: The hipster rap duo out of Chicago that’s trying to take hip-hop back to 1988 by riding around on BMX bikes, wearing rope chains Starter jackets.

How he got caught slippin’: Their debut album, or EP or whatever it was, The Bake Sale (600 copies sold to date and counting…), didn’t sound like anything I couldn’t have come up with, if I could figure out how to plug a microphone into my laptop.

Vic’s name: Donny Goines

Who he be: The guy who claims he lives in a small room in his mom’s apartment, but I’m pretty sure it’s actually a walk-in closet. His material turns up on Nah Right as often as any of the guys who did make the cover.

How he got caught slippin’: That whole living in a walk-in closet thing might not be the best marketing angle. I never thought I’d find myself saying this, but he might seriously want to think about dealing drugs for a while, before he takes another run at a rap career. Not only will he make enough money to get his own place, but it’ll give him something to rap about. You know crack rap isn’t going out just because we got a black guy in office.

Vic’s name: Jay Electronica

Who he be: The guy who got the LCD set to pretend to like songs that sound like they could have been done by Killah Priest. Seriously, is it because he’s dropping it off in Erykah Badu, and the okayplayer crowd is composed primarily of women? I’m not complaining or anything. (That Sunz of Man album was slept on.) I’m just saying. I might need to hold my nose and holler at Chrisette Michele. This economy’s probably not gonna get any better any time soon, despite President-Elect Obama pushing for another round of stimulus checks, or, as I’ll be calling mine, reparations.

How he got caught slippin’: There’s something about the look in his eyes that tells me he’s holding a deep, dark secret.

Vic’s name: Kidz in the Hall

Who he be: The gulliest of the hipster rap set. Try to gank a bottle of vodka from them at your own risk.

How he got caught slippin’: There’s too many of us in the hip-hop community who are old enough that, if we really want to hear a rap song that sounds like it was made in 1993, we’ll just spend half the day tearing our houses apart looking for our copies of Midnight Marauders.

Vic’s name: The Knux

Who he be: I’m surprised at how many of you must never read blogs other than The Workout. I made the mistake of doing a post on these dudes the other day, and the response was a resounding, “Um, who?” Seriously though, if you’re one of us haters who didn’t find OutKast to be particularly notable until Aquemini, and especially Stankonia, you’re gonna wanna check out Remind Me in Three Days.

How he got caught slippin’: As revealed here the other day, my dick is huge Interscope’s marketing plan for these guys calls for setting them apart from the rest of the hip-hop community. Look out for them on the cover of an upcoming issue of SPIN.

Vic’s name: Mic Terror

Who he be: My favorite hipster rapper evar. He handed that guy Mazzi his ass, in their beef over hipster rappers wearing those Rachel Ray terrorist scarves and what have you. Then I went and copped his mixtape, which is nothing but songs about how he steals guys’ girlfriends and drops loads on their faces, Nick Manning-style. If I had a girlfriend at present, I’d be honored if he dropped a load on her. (Of course, I’d need her to hose off before I let her back in the house.)

How he got caught slippin’: That guy Mazzi must have put his career on hold. Doesn’t he work for Def Jam in some capacity? He claims to be a Persian (which is about as different from an Arab as you can be, I’m told), but he’s probably really a Jew.

Vic’s name: Termanology

Who he be: Pick up any underground rap album released in 2008, and there’s a 1 in 3 chance you’ll hear some vaguely Puerto Rican-sounding kid kicking this silly whisper flow. That kid’s name is Termanology.

How he got caught slippin’: I just needed somebody to pad the list out to 10 artists. This guy obviously has no commercial prospects. His album’s got a pretty killer production lineup, though. He should try to get a job at Def Jam and become Nas’ A&R. Someone get that guy Mazzi on the phone. Tell him never mind what I said about his being like an Arab.

Vic’s name: Yak Ballz

Who he be: Another Pesian guy, actually. The fuck? His album from earlier this year, Scifentology II, or whatever the fuck it’s called, was highly slept on. It’s like a JV version of the most recent albums by Cage and El-P.

How he got caught slippin’: Last year, El-P put out the best album of the year, arguably of the decade, and all he got was about two lines worth of mention in the underground rap column, which is buried way in the back of the book, across from the pr0n ads. What the fuck do you guys think this is, URB magazine?

  • E

    YAWN…and i read the whole drop. You’re losing your edge homie. You came close with “As revealed here the other day, my dick is huge…” but you failed to keep me entertained like you used.

    • http://xxlmag.com Bol

      Is that you, short guy from Entourage?

      Tell Vince and Turtle I said what’s up.

  • Izza

    Zzz…

  • Mika

    True…… Step… Step……Step it up a notch…

  • jermz dash

    max. b max b. max b. he bout to ride the wave that wave jim jones goodbye

  • Enlightened

    Seriously though, if you’re one of us haters who didn’t find OutKast to be particularly notable until Aquemini, and especially Stankonia
    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

    Whhhhaaaaaaattttttt the fuck?
    It’s people in the world who actually think some shit like that?

    Southerplayalistic and ATLiens back to back are better than the rest of the shit they put for their entire careers put together. Fuck is wrong with you?

  • Pierzy

    You’re insane. Termanology has skills for days.

    • og bobby j

      co-sign

  • http://www.prettypancakes.com amar

    lol so stubborn; get a response and just talk more of the same shit anyway, i like it. Although i suppose it’s what xxl is supposed to be all about or w/e.

    The only thing i can really say here is…man i love that pre-aquemini outkast shit..atliens and southernplayalisticcaddilacriding music, on my top 10 ever

    http://www.prettypancakes.com

  • capcobra

    how come ransom is never mentioned?…he’s better than 90% of the dudes on that top 20 list and the other 4 people in that who’s next feature…at least “duffle bag ran” knows his lane and he got the voice and image to match his story…most of the cats on these lists is just rapping to rap…no direction/look/voice or nothing…just a bunch of rappers.

  • EReal

    Termanology whisper flow?

    Uhhh.. Hmmm..

  • http://www.myspace.com/chronikill ROXONE

    “I’m surprised at how many of you must never read blogs other than The Workout. I made the mistake of doing a post on these dudes the other day, and the response was a resounding, “Um, who?””

    yeah, it was easier to get into searching for new music when it meant going to fat beats and looking for a new 12″ – now everyone that raps has some faction of intrnet lovers who don’t know much hyping them… people just keep cosigning nonsense and hoping it will blow up…

    its like young, wack and tightpantsed is the new young, skilled and gully…

  • niggaplease

    You’re insane if you think that El-P record was anything more than a pile of shit.

    Even Aesop Rock got his shit together and made an album with more than 5 or 6 decent tracks last year.

    LOL

  • http://www.ronmexicocity.com Ron Mexico

    yak ballz… wow, that’s a name i haven’t heard in a LOOOOOONG time.

    hasn’t he always been that JV version of cage and el-p?

  • http://Www.MySpace.com/GrimeyHipHop Stan

    Yo I just don’t understand how you could throw dirt @ Term… Granted Im a bit biased being from the same place, but that dude be puttin out serious heat… His flow is crazy and now that he’s gettin ill production I’ve heard nutin but Bangers from Term… Politics As Usual def got slept on, and so did his 50 Bodies mixtape… Mayb its me, but I perfer well thought out nasty lyrics… Shit that makes you rewind like 3 times… There’s nutin wrong wit simple catchy records, and no1 was bumpin “Money in the Bank” more than me at one time, but I read in another comment sumwhere that no1s really focusin on lyrics anymore… Gimme a crunk beat and shake it like a salt shaker… The Fuck?!?! Step Your Game Up or get Stomped On… Real Lyrics is in The Buildin…

    MySpace.com/GrimeyHipHop

  • C-Money

    “The guy who claims he lives in a small room in his mom’s apartment, but I’m pretty sure it’s actually a walk-in closet”

    It is hard to make me laugh out loud, but that line right there had me in tears.

    There were some talented people on your list but none of them (in this day and age within the industry) have a chance for commercial/crossover success.

  • Dr Flav

    Thank you. Keep goin at eskay neck too, because some of these guys “may” be talented, but they generally have paid no dues other than hooking up a MySpace page and emailing shitty remixes. Nahright gets my criticism because how can you have a Jay, Kanye or other top tier artist blog post mixed in with various MC Whodats and think I as a fan gonna just sip the OG Jim Jones punch cause these computer jockeys say its cool. This to me has lowered the credibility of the site. Start an unsigned hype blog or something for that shit, because a lot of the aforementioned artists aint hot on my streets.

  • BIGNAT

    If I had a girlfriend at present, I’d be honored if he dropped a load on her. (Of course, I’d need her to hose off before I let her back in the house.)WOW BOL TALK ABOUT LOW SELF ESTEEM HAHAHAHAHA.
    ALSO I HAVE FIGURED OUT WHY SO MANY RAPPERS GET SIGNED TO AFTERMATH THEN GET DROPPED. ALMOST ALL THE RAPPERS ALWAYS SAY THE GIVE BARS TO DRE FOR DETOX. DRE IS HOARDING RHYMES TO FILL OUT HIS ALBUM BECAUSE DRE DOES NOT RAP HE MAKES BEATS. ALSO SOMETIMES DRE STEALS THE BEATS AS WELL MWHAHAHAH. SINCE HE IS TAKING LONG TO MAKE IT HE KEEPS NEEDING FRESH MATERIAL.

  • http://www.rizzleworld.blogspot.com allnice

    Damn Bol you must have had some time on your hands. And why do people like Elzhi? That nigga is the same as Royce. They B listers and not really that talented.

  • chad bro chill

    fuck mainstream crossing over why does that matter why isnt it about skills why do they need to sell out and be able to cross over

  • http://hiphoponmymind.blogspot.com/ DJ Daddy Mack

    WOW BOL. I GUESS YOU REALLY DON’T READ THE MAGAZINE. THE COOL KIDS, KIDZ IN THE HALL AND THE KNUX ARE MENTIONED IN THE MAGAZINE IN A SECTION CALLED “FIVER GROUPS LEADING HIP-HOP INTO ITS NEXT DECADE.”

    SMMFH.

  • geico lizard

    “I might need to hold my nose and holler at Chrisette Michele” she is kind of chunky Bol you may want to shoot for a better looking black chick on that neo soul tip.

  • TheCo!!inB

    so nobody is going to acknowledge how EXTREMELY odd this niggas name is….Yak. Ballz?
    *shakes head*
    I had to say no homo just to type that name

  • anon

    Fuck the first couple of commenters, this was a dope post. Keep it up Bol.

  • blackcaesar

    Its sad when most of the niggas wit “skills” is still kinda mediocre compared to hip-hop’s heydey of 1993-1996. So what should I do listen to Lupe over Hip-Hop saved my life or Young Buck over the same beat? Maybe I should start listening to Enya and Yanni like Bol…

  • http://xxlmag.com Mr. Bell

    What about Trick Trick!

  • the r

    There’s something about the look in his eyes that tells me he’s holding a deep, dark secret.

    true…true

  • y0lr pon videos pbng

    We wuz robbed.. Reposted it :)