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BLOG: Kanye West’s Rap-Free Bachelor Pad

We’re on a strict diet of Coldplay and dick sandwiches ’round hurr.

“I don’t even listen to rap. My apartment is too nice to listen to rap in. I have to be in a way more grimy environment to turn any rap music on.” -Kanye West, interview with DJ Semtex

Word, nigga? So the rap music that made you “everything you are” ain’t good enough to be played in your apartment? I love it!

I haven’t seen self-hatred like this since Michael Jackson threw his face in Mama Katherine’s flour bowl before she could fry up the chicken.

Katharine: Michael! What the hell are you doing with that lipstick?!

Jermaine: *slaps forehead*

Michael: Daddy said I’m gonna be a star. I-I’m doing my makeup so I can look like Donny Osmond from The Andy Williams Show.

Tito: *shaking head* Daddy gone fuck you the fuck up.

KJ: Tito, I told you about that language. I don’t know where you get that abusive nature from.

JJ: Mama, why Mike always gotta be such a little sissy? *bends wrist mockingly*

MJ: Jermaine, stop teasing! *whimpering* *sobbing* Tito, get me some tissue.

TJ: Fuck that. I’mma tell daddy you cryin’ again like a little bitch.

KJ: *snapping* Toriano!!!–

I remember rooting for Kanye when his jaw busted up in that crash. Everyone wanted Jay and Dame to let the producer rap. When he got that sloppy verse on “The Champions” we celebrated with him. “Through The Wire” melted all of our hearts. That slobbery mushmouth shit was charming enough to get everyone on his side. Somewhere along the line this nigga developed delusions of grandeur that made him believe he is not only a great rapper, but one so great that he has transcended the medium.

Now the rappety rap shit is beneath dude. Or, at least it’s beneath the alpaca rug with the “Fall Out Boy Clean Only” tag.

I swear, as soon as you touch the plastic dick your life is never the same.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with broadening musical horizons. I’m all for that. Generally I’m disturbed by the niggas who think rap is the be-all end-all of contemporary black music. We can do any and everything. In fact, we created most of it. There’s nothing wrong with infusing it into your gangsta-gangsta or lyrically-lyrical regimen.

However, to disrespect the music of the culture that put him on top of the pygmy world is an affront to everyone that has ever supported Kanye West to this point. It’s also an affront to anyone who enjoys rap. The class association he’s making is a harmful one. I haven’t been so offended since the black kids ruined the dance on Beverly Hills 90210.

I’m just sayin. Shit like that can fuck with a 10 year-old’s sense of self worth like a motherfucker.

Nice to know that my rap loving ass will need to wipe my iPod earbuds off on the doormat when I cross the threshold of Kanye West’s Hipster Hocoder palace. Nigga can take his tight-ass pants and his whining the fuck on.

I officially wanna pull an Axl Foley and stuff a peanut butter and banana sandwich in his voicebox tube.

Questions? Comments? Requests? Think you’re the most masculine feller in the world?

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