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Help Soulja Boy Go Platinum in One Week? Why?!

As you might already be aware, Soulja Boy is enlisting the aid of you, the general public, to go platinum in a week.

Campaign #1 | Campaign #2


Because I guess it’s easier to ask someone for a vote than to get them to actually enjoy your shit.


Apparently don’t nobody wanna turn they swag on or crank a bird walk. Not even children.


Because Soulja Boy Tellem is a cornball… and an embarrassment to black people, southerners and the Mississippi Board of Education all at the same time.


Because he makes it look like we lost Brown v. Board of Education.


Where do I start? The dances that evoke the spirit of Chicken George? His admiration for the colonists that “saved” us from Africa? The minimal expectations of life? Aspiring to a D+ average is never an acceptable ceiling–unless you’re a young coal miner or sharecropper. If you’ve got The Negro Channel in your house and watch it willingly, you can try to do well in school.


I haven’t figured that out yet. You’re just kinda supposed to go to school if you wanna be somebody.


Because that’s the way Massa set it up. Now let me get back to what I was saying. Unless you’re a slave of some kind–


Hold on, nigga. You didn’t even let me finish. You can’t just “why?” a nigga mid-sentence like that. Anyway, you know how I feel. I ain’t gonna be helpin this nigga go platinum with all this bloggin and exposure and shit.


Because when they take away our rights to vote and procreate–which I hear they almost did with that Tropical Fantasy–it’ll be because of some shit Soulja Boy said.


Okay, I’m fuckin around. Soulja Boy ain’t gonna be on no more major media outlets after iSouljaBoy bombs. Them four magazine covers he got will be his last. I’m not buying all this hard-working, good businessman shit about someone who believes girls when they claim the panty-drawls is brand new. This is the same nigga who believes Shaquita is actually on the pill. There’s gonna be a little Soulja Boy crankin around that house of his.


Hmmm. You’re right. That house probably won’t be his much longer. That Richie Rich fantasy comes crashing down pretty quickly when you Mayweather all your shit away on ice and tattoos. It’ll just be him, a pregnant Shaquita and the baby they just had boppin around some apartment complex like we never lost our freedom.


As we established, he ain’t too much of an intellectual, and apparently he ain’t all that smart either. If I’m gonna give a nigga money just because I like him, I’ll get four copies of that new Kidz in the Hall or some shit.

At least those uppity, educated nigroes won’t buy Gucci trash cans with their first checks.

Questions? [besides “why?”] Comments? Requests?

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