Ron Mexico: Welcome to the final installment of ESDN First Hate for this 2008 SDN Tournament. Jemelle, Dana, Stuart, Skip, Scoop, Skap, Scallywhop, Jackpot, Billy X. Sunday and the rest of the ESDN staff want to thank you all for your attentiveness and participation.
Before we announce the winner of the final matchup between Division A’s #8 seed, Diddy and Division B’s #14 R. Kelly, I’d like to take this time to request a round of applause for all 32 of this year’s contestants.
All: *emphatic booing*
RM: Now that she’s awake, I’ll turn the floor over to our own Dana Jacobson to announce the winner.
Dana Jacobson: *scrambling to podium* *swiping at Ron Mexico* Thank you, Mexico… You fucking whore bissh.
RM: *mouthing silently* I love you too. *blows kiss*
Jemelle Hill: *to Ron Mexico* This bitch is wasted.
RM: *nods head*
DJ: Before I announce any so-called “winner,” I wanna say I voted for Diddy 5 times. So if he’s not in this envelope… then FUCK SDNs. FUCK XXL. Fuck Ron Tijuana or whatever the fuck… and FUCK TOUCHDOWNS!–
RM: *snatching envelope away and pushing Dana to floor* That’s enough of that shit. *fingers letter* Wowsers! Taking only 51.7% of the final tally, 2008 SDN of the Year Award goes to… Drumroll, please.
DJ: *slurring from floor* BETTER BE DIDDY!
All: *boos with a smattering of cheers*
Stuart Scott: Kells couldn’t be here tonight to accept this award, so I’m gonna take it for him. *turns away from podium but quickly returns* Oh, yeah. BOOYAH! *walks away*
RM: *to Jemelle Hill* I always hated that nigga.
JH: *nods head*
Other awards we were unable to present include but are not limited to the following:
Halle Berry B.A.P.S. Award for best Cinderella: Karrine “Superhead” Steffans
Tournament MVP: YouTube Diddy Blog
Game Changer: BET News YN Toure
Shit. I’d better ask if I got permission to say “YN” around here.
Questions? Comments? Requests? As happy as I am to get back to your regularly-scheduled Negro Pleasings? email@example.com
Yesterday was fun. I miss that. We’re back to that shit Monday! Yung Berg is back… Niggas is feelin real frisky this fourth quarter.