SDN Tournament Round 1 – Division B

Oh, man. There were some close ones in Division A. None closer than the KRS-ONE/RZA matchup settled by mere percentage points. Ugh. [CLICK HERE TO REVIEW]

September Sadness continues with what I think to be the more stacked side of the bracket. Division B’s literally got me pacing around before I make my call. Either that or someone cropdusted the Dutch.

[GET A BRACKET HERE IF YEEN'T GOT IT AWWWWLREADY!]

Of Backpieces and Slidepieces

#1 Nick Cannon – Smart enough to climb his way up from being “All That” to a media mogul in his own right. Has the finest stable of ex-wifeys in rap history. Both smart and dumb enough to wife Mariah Carey. Dumb enough to tattoo Carey’s first name on his back like her vagina is his place of origin.

#16 50 Cent – Smart enough to mirror Eminem’s format for success. Dumb enough to let controversy define his career instead of content. Smart enough to kick Vivica Fox to the curb. Smart enough to record telephone calls without providing “This Call May Be Monitored For Bitchassness Assurance” disclaimer.

[VOTE @ RON MEXICO CITY]

Can’t Shake These Dreads

#8 – Trick Daddy – Smart enough to make tracks like “Thug Holiday.” Always sincere and thoughtful despite inability to verbalize ideas. Loves jail, fights and Funyuns more than any nigga on record.

#9 – Lauryn Hill – Arguably the greatest female rapper of all time. Incredible singer and actress [See: Sister Act 2]. Attended Columbia University. Doesn’t realize that white people feed her children and fathered her baby father’s father. Never recovered from that first Marley Bros. smokeout. Has become female DMX counterpart. Would be in prison if Rohan Marley let her leave house.

[VOTE @ RON MEXICO CITY]

Team-Building Exercises

#5 – Shaquille O’Neal – Kobe, nigga. Tell me how my ass taste. That is all. Still thinks people want to hear him rap. Consummate team player. Lets Corey Gunz toss Mario Bros. wallet on top of paperstacks to the ceiling in effort to make him feel like he’s contributing. Meant to kick wifey out of crib for sidestashing. Realized infidelity might cost more than Shani’s mattress pile.

#12 – SOHH.com Message Boards – Online hip-hop’s geekiest pick war with channer team known for destroying Scientology one e-terror attack at a time. Big Green ain’t even green no more. What can I say about SOHH that hasn’t been said about Afghanistan? Only Gyant left standing.

[VOTE @ RON MEXICO CITY]

Umm… I Got Nothin’ For These Niggas. Sorry. They’re Black? I Dunno.

#4 -DMX – Still basking in decade-old glory of It’s Dark And Hell Is Hot. Apparent crackhead who’d clearly rather be incarcerated. Doesn’t know or care to know who Barack Obama is. Plans to be someone else’s Jeremiah Wright.

#13 – David Banner – Closest thing to a political activist/community organizer Rap City audience has seen. Promotes voting and attentiveness to social issues. Unable to express own views clearly. Thinks Cadillac On 22s is some deep shit. Loves De Lawd. Thanks De Lawd for helping him put Mississippi on the m– Whoa. Holy shit! Did y’all niggas see the ASS on that bitch?! God damn. Y’all know I can’t be concentrating when a fine ass bitch like that there be walkin by.

[VOTE @ RON MEXICO CITY]

Did You Ever Think That You Could Be This [Smart] Dumb?

#3 – Nas – XXL Staff’s posterchild for Smart-Dumbness. Lyrical genius. Motivational speaker over beat. Indiscernible buffoon when Premo beat stops.

#14 – R. Kelly – Smart enough to pen some of the greatest songs of the modern era. Most sought-after singer/songwriter of his generation. Illiterate. Can’t keep love for underdeveloped vagine to self. Pursues female companionship as close to his grade reading level as possible.

[VOTE @ RON MEXICO CITY]

–We’d Like to Thank Jermaine Dupri!

#6 – Mariah Carey – Female counterpart to R. Kelly in terms of musical abilities. Brilliant vocalist. Hoodrat who’s never been to the hood. Married Nick Cannon for some strange reason. Never recovered from Jeter pipe.

#11 – Lil Jon – Actually lives out Dave Chappelle’s rendition. Inspires Plies to do the same.

[VOTE @ RON MEXICO CITY]

Who Hurts Negroes More?

#7 – Flavor Flav – Clasically-trained musician (though you’d never know if some rent-a-skrippers never asked). Founding member of most politically active ensemble in hip-hop history. Smart enough to secure television deal to feed crack habit, I mean–family.

#10 – Russell Simmons - Build Rush Empire from a couple of white label 12″ records and Blair Underwood’s sweaty herringbone. Provides voice of reason for spoiled, bratty nieces and nephews. Endorses products designed to hasten the demise of black people [i.e.: Conflict ice, Rushcard, New Def Comedy Jam]

[VOTE @ RON MEXICO CITY]

Brooklyn’s ALWAYS in the House

#2 – Jay-Z - One of hip-hop’s finest lyricists. Investment firm’s wet dream. Old-ass nigga wise enough to snatch Beyonce off board. Totally pulled an Isiah Thomas with Def Jam. Never really moved sucessful product besides his own on Roc-a-fella either, for that matter.

#15 – Papoose – Can rap entire dictionary in word order. Tried to sneak skeleton key into prison with hopes of springing his love, Remy Ma. Ugh. His love is Remy Ma. Ugh. Remy Ma’s love is Papoose.

[VOTE @ RON MEXICO CITY]

Questions? Comments? Requests? Still need some time? ron@ronmexicocity.com

  • black&mild

    Yo ron that shit had me crying but i think kellz might be looking to take the cake this nigga had “step in the name of love” and mothafuckin “thoia thoing” on the radio at the same time if that ain’t some rain man shit i don’t know what is

    • http://www.ronmexicocity.com Ron Mexico

      i’m gonna have to agree. r. kelly is looking stronger every day.

      i expect him to destroy our posterchild, the vile rapper… naaaaaahhhhhhs.

  • Worley

    NaS and R. Kelly is a tough call, but I’m still going with Mr. Robert Sylvestre Kelly. That n*gga has clearly lost his mind.

  • http://dronkmunk.com dronkmunk

    I still don’t get why Jay-Z is even on here..

  • Pierzy

    I said it the first day I saw the bracket – Lauryn Hill is going to RUN AWAY with this thing!

    • LEO

      really? over X, Flav, and Superhead???

      • Pierzy

        To me, she had the highest upside and fell the furthest. Even with PE we knew Flav was off. Superhead is ONLY famous for…head. And X was never a scholar – any dude that barks to make a rhyme proves that. But Lauryn won a handful of Grammys and could’ve changed music forever… Remember – it’s not the DDN…

  • http://www.parispoliceclothing.com parispolice

    Jay Z – From the ‘hood’ NY rapper who used to rap faster than a word a minute in the 90s and hasn’t really done jack in the last 6 years besides banging the hottest set of thighs that even the KFC dude would not be able to handle..
    His products (IE business ventures) have all pretty much failed except for Kanye’s success. If he didn’t have Kanye, he would be another Nas.

    Anyone who still thinks Jay Z is the best rapper right now or was in the last 10 years prolly has too many lil wayne posters in their room.

    Dude was sick on “sunshine” and after that, weak. His albums dont sell, but his concerts due the same way as does Metallica…old ass niggaz still remembered for their old shit.

    Holla.

    • Og bobby J

      dman son…you just pointed to “Sunshine” as Jay-z’s pinnicale…YOU FAILED

      • EReal

        Forreal, EPIC FAIL.

    • Devog

      I bet you have a very broad definition of the word “sick”. As far as business ventures go, how is it possible to a failure and be on the top of Forbes list consistently. I guess you forgot about the Nets, the 40/40, and whatever the fuck else. Who gives a damn if Pedi, Amil, and Tierra couldn’t hang.

      • Devog

        typo “to be a failure”

        • Dickrider Hater

          I think you have camel ball sach hairs in yo mouff. Aint noone said Jay failed, dummy.

          Damn that ‘no child left behind’ law, damnit all to hell!!!

        • DevoG

          Parispolice said
          “His products (IE business ventures) have all pretty much failed”

          You’ve just nominated yourself!
          Now kill yourself!

    • http://XXLMAG.COM INTERNET BULLY

      FUCK PARISPOLICE… HE WASNT EVEN OLD ENOUGH TO LISTEN TO RAP WHEN VOLUME 1 WAS OUT THATS WHY HE ONLY KNOWS ABOUT “SUNSHINE” … YOUNG PUNK…

  • DETROIT

    “Can rap entire dictionary in word order. Tried to sneak skeleton key into prison with hopes of spring his love, Remy Ma. Ugh. His love is Remy Ma. Ugh. Remy Ma’s love is Papoose.”

    Keep an eye on pap. this nigga is the definition of a sdn! he even thinks people believe that he beat up fat joe!

    this guy is the strongest 15 seed i’ve seen in any tournament!

    • EReal

      He bodied Joe on “A fair one” tho, that track is hilarious.

      “every day for you should be Pun day, because before him, every one of your days was a bum day” LOL

      “You’re lil wayne’s son, he should claim you on his taxes”

      He drops punch after punch after punch on dude, so funny.

      • akaTheRealist

        Ahhh, it’s all clear now. Papoose punched Joe and then dissed him for Remy. They’re both broke, so they needed some publicity…

  • DV8

    LMAO R.Kelly might just win this shit. I think that BET interview might have put him over the top.I’m predicting R.Kelly vs Superhead in the finals.

  • DV8

    This whole SDN concept. theory, and tournament is one of the funniest things i’ve come across in a while. This shit is classic funny. This should be the second most anticipated tourney every year right after the NCAA Mens Tourney.

  • Shawn Blaze

    DMX has this hands down

    • EReal

      I agree bro, I have DMX and DIDDY in the Final with DMX taking the SDN Title.

      • 239allday

        I’m a have to cosign on that one. X is taking the Heisman on this one.

  • EReal

    Yo Ronny, wheres the results? Theres still voting at your site homie, and I need to update my bracket.
    Before I finish reading the drop, I just wanted to tell a lil story.
    I went to a Buck / Juve concert at Destiny Nightclub down here, and they canceled it and people started shooting, so we got our 20$ back and dipped.
    Buck was in his big ass tour bus, and we went to get gas and who do we see? Juve, and he’s bumping his own CD out of a Hummer with like 6 dudes with em, what is he munchin on?

    You guessed it, FUNYUNS.

    Real Talk.

    Side Note: Juve is a real dude, he took time to actually talk to us, and he was more than happy to let our lil stable of white girls get as many pics with him as they liked, LMAO.

    • http://www.ronmexicocity.com Ron Mexico

      juvenile is that nigga

      • master cheef

        word. and funyuns are officially that shit

  • http://www.myspace.com/uptownempire TROUBLE

    Nick Cannon wins his match just for that huge ass tatoo he got, that bitch branded him LOL.

    And R. Kelly and DMX got strong positions too. Jay-z aint stupid, hes just no longer able to make good music. But lil’jon, flav, mariah and Russ they should be exempt.

  • LEO

    THESE AINT AS CLOSE AS THE ONES FROM DIVISION 1…X, LAURYN, KELLY AND MARIAH ARE PRETY MUCH IN…JAY AND 50 SHOULDNT B ON HERE…BUT WATEVA…DMX SDN GRAND CHAMP!!!

  • http://xxlmag.com Teknician

    nah 50 deserve to be on here. when u isolated and burn everybody in ny to the point that you only got skanks, gayo, no sell no sell cool j, u got issues.

  • DA TRUTH

    I THINK DMX VS R.KELLY is going to be the best match up in this division. who ever wins that is going to the finals. i put my money on TI VS DMX with TI the winner for the final.

  • TheCo!!inB

    niggas really need to watch out for L Boogie, she’s a sleeper……really think about the shit she’s done, CLAIMING TO PRODUCE AN ENTIRE ALBUM WITH NO PREVIOUS PRODUCTION CREDIT!!! Getting as many Marley babies as she did Grammy’s??!!

    • Pierzy

      Exactly! A musical genius that chooses crack over music immortality?? That’s the essence of SDN

  • 1hunid

    The R.Kelly reference…classic! Actually LoL’d on some real shit.

  • TheCo!!inB

    tell em P! the shit she pulled transcends music…..she’s a candidate for overall smartest dumb nigga ever. the same person deep enough to say “i add a mutha fucka so you ignant niggas here me” also dresses like homie the clown and screams on niggas at her show. she went from pentacle to spectacle *mad rapper voice* and niggas aint respeckin that!

  • http://www.xxlmag.com damion

    What the f is a Papoose??

    lol

    Pap is the ultimate SDN. Smart guy takes a big L with that bird from the Bronx.

  • http://www.prettypancakes.com PP

    how is r kelly smart again???

    prettypancakes.com

  • http://xxlmag.com Kane Corleone

    A Cuh funyuns been the shit,real type.R.kelly is runnin niggas over in this shit i predict him and X gonna scrap it out for the title

  • geico lizard

    the first round was easy ron you made me think this time there are some close ones homie. blood diamond russ beats out flava because russ let kimora gank him for all that loot after she got fat i thought she would stick it to him while she was still looking almost decent. i voted for trick over laryn because i still hold out hope she will comeback with the fugees or solo but i also have that hope about another outkast album. sohh got my vote over shaq because they were dumb enough to piss off the damn matrix people and get their stuff shut down so at least when xxlmag shuts down we know its because they are having problems paying bills like real americans. i wish i had enough money to hire the people who shut down sohh so i they could go ruin my ex accounts like they did sohh. i still wont go on that site anymore just in case sohh spreads a leftover virus. i voted for 50 over nick because he is just a corny negro he would beat out anybody in a “rich famous and corny” contest. he is dumb for marrying mariah over christina millian. dmx beats out banner just for his whole criminal record in 2008 alone. rkellys interview put him over the top. jayz got my vote because papoose is in love with a tranny but pap isnt out there enough anymore. pap lost his fire to finally get an album out when his woman got locked up. i voted for mariah because lil jon is out of the picture right now.

  • geico lizard

    i dont think flava flav i smart enough to know people are using him to exploit blacks but russ should know better.

  • Monitor

    Too many people are just voting for DDNs damn. I’m sorry…R. Kelly or DMX have never been fuckin smart. Get outta here. The smartest thing Nick Cannon did was grow up on the white side of comedy with All That and Drumline. Ain’t noone really think Nick Cannon is funny besides teenage white chicks.

    Lauryn Hill should win this thing I believe. Only chick rapper I’d ever bang in my whip, and sadly who knows where she is now adays. She use to speak knowledge, now she’ll prolly show up on a VH-1 reality show.

    Lauryn Hill For Prez Over All The SDN

    • Pierzy

      Co-Sign. She was the ultimate SN and now she’s the ultimate DN so who can beat that?

  • John Brown

    Yo RON, My whole bracket is fucked up. I had ODB vs NAS in the finals. They wont even get out of the first round. DAMN!!!

  • A’aron

    Verse 1:
    Today’s a cool one/ we stick up this blood diamond jeweler/ my nigga said its bubbles so we eatin’ like The Ruler/ Rick that is/ stick that kid/ run up in the spot put the mack where his rib rack is/ Ion’t know about you, but I ain’t tryna do time/ if everybody stay cool everything’ll be fine/ so boom, nothin’ to lose, I’m handin’ out bullet wounds/ if a old lady scream, shiiit she get it too/ I’m ten seconds from the ass of all of them/ I’m tryna maintain weed smoke on my brain/ call me, but uh, is that nigga flammin’?/ nah, hallucination, tell myself to stay patient/ scoop up the glass in the bag with the paper/ head to the basement, lightin’ L’s, then seperate it/ scoop up the glass in the bag with the paper/ head to the basement, lightin’ L’s, then seperate it/ paper makes the world go round/
    2007
    A’aron
    SonSon Records

  • A’aron

    Verse 1:
    Today’s a cool one/ we stick up this blood diamond jeweler/ my nigga said its bubbles so we eatin’ like The Ruler/ Rick that is/ stick that kid/ run up in the spot put the mack where his rib rack is/ Ion’t know about you, but I ain’t tryna do time/ if everybody stay cool everything’ll be fine/ so boom, nothin’ to lose, I’m handin’ out bullet wounds/ if a old lady scream, shiiit she get it too/ I’m ten seconds from the ass of all of them/ I’m tryna maintain weed smoke on my brain/ call me, but uh, is that nigga flammin’?/ nah, hallucination, tell myself to stay patient/ scoop up the glass in the bag with the paper/ head to the basement, lightin’ L’s, then seperate it/ scoop up the glass in the bag with the paper/ head to the basement, lightin’ L’s, then seperate it/ “Paper Makes The World Go Round” 2007

    A’aron
    SonSon Records