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NEGRO PLEASE: Tyga Puts [Young] Money Where His Mouth Is

[Editor's Note: "Blogger's Note" has been taken over by Ron Mexico until further notice.]

“You ever ate a $100 bill?”Tyga, Generic Rapster EweToube Vlog

At some point this past weekend my homegirl Nessia put me on to a clip of the newest Young Money signee sharing in his mentor’s Negro Please-ability. (Yes, I made that term up.)

Jay Smooth said “One day when my grandchildren ask me ‘When did hip-hop die?’ I will point them to the 3-minute mark of this [above] video.”

If you take time to watch hip-hop gurgle and choke on its own blood for a moment, you’ll see some coonery Aaron McGruder couldn’t have written any better himself. This is definitely one of those classic rapster moments from The Boondocks. You should really only see something like this happen on a heavily satirical animated series.

The euphemisms “Put your money where your mouth is” and “You are what you eat” immediately enter my mind when I watch Tyga’s display of fuckery. I guess the latter phrase reflects Tyga’s most earnest attempt to shake orally-induced alter-egos like “Dick Sandwich” and “Business-End of the Snub Nose.”

Somehow, watching Tyga talk with a mouthful of filthy bills is both annoying and refreshing. Actions like these give me assurance that natural selection will take care of niggas like him. Tyga will eventually kill himself off. Whether the staph infection finally sets in or Blingy Garfield costs him life and limb, his already low negro life-expectancy has just dropped from 52 to 31 years.

He’s officially going through his mid-life crisis at 19. Put a pin in that. We’ll come back to it.

I can imagine it’s really cool to go from cutting third period American History to touring the planet countryside with Lil Wayne and all, but whatever money Tyga’s seen so far is exactly as they claim it to be–young as fuck. This here is the type of nigga that’ll take a shit and bring his turd to the sneaker store right after the video stops rolling.

He’ll just make sure no one sees him at the counter, like when we used to go grocery shopping with that $65 book of Food Stamps.

Oh, that was just me? Well, fuck you then.

There’s a recession out there. Niggas are getting robbed like hotcakes and Tygger’s got the nerve to– Wait a minute… Tyga’s been relieved of some Kimora-banging blood diamonds himself. You’d think this young man would better understand the value of Lil’ Wayne’s [young] moolah[, baby].

Eating money on camera was supposed to prove how paid he is and thus, how irrelevant his detractors are. It was also intended to show he’s tough as nails as he didn’t vomit or show signs of sickness as he munched on just about the filthiest thing a nigga could put in his mouth.

He’d have been better off licking a nightclub urinal… again.

*removes pin*

Tyga shouldn’t be allowed to wear Garfield around his neck. Garfield’s ten times smarter and far more gully than he. Like a retired jersey, that shit should be off-limits to a nigga like Ty. He might could be Odie… or maybe John, the ho-ass, bitch-ass nigga that keeps buying half the fuckin’ Olive Garden menu only to get his shit ganked.

I mean, at least Garfield would have bought a $200 tray of lasagna to eat on camera. Shit would have caviar in it and the whole nine. I bet it would be bangin, actually.

Why spend an unnecessary $200 (and simple columnar epithelial cells) on a Blair Witch Hunt for imaginary haters? True to nigga form, I don’t think Tyga could answer this question. Sadly enough, he even admits to himself at points that what he’s doing on camera is absolutely ridiculous.

Only adding to the fuckery is his outcry of “Fuck these niggas. No homo” while holding up condoms. If he actually fucks niggas, there’s nothing wrong with that… no matter how much hip-hop hates gay people. The problem is that he’s uttering a term meant to be as figurative as possible. I’m pretty sure he’s not trying to convey that he wants to engage in batty-hole love. However, he’s holding up condoms while delivering his war cry.

Doing so suggests intent to penetrate and is very much not figurative. Gnome sane?

In any event, I can’t imagine anyone actually taking this merry band of Gym Class Second-Rounders seriously.

I’m not saying you can’t be from the streets because you dress like Hipster Dan. I’m just saying that ain’t nobody listenin to no tough talk from a nigga with a lip ring. I don’t care how “tough” he may actually be. I can’t hear him. The lip ring serves as a Greenwich Village mute button for that kind of thing. He’d have to show and prove.

Remove all the shit that makes you look like the TV One version of Fall Out Boy/Good Charlotte before you roll the webcam and start e-bangin.

Damn… That’s a second consecutive “Hipster negro, please.” This is starting to become a problem.

Questions? Comments? Requests? Hipsterphobic?

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