R. Kelly Speaks! I Wish He Hadn’t.

[Editor’s Note: "Blogger’s Note" has been taken over by Ron Mexico until—Oh, shit! I’ve got a BANNER!]

Ummm… Welcome to the new XXLmag.com, bitches!

I was distraught for having missed the initial airing of The Negro Channel’s SDN report “R. Kelly Speaks.” I thank R&B Jesus for The Ghetto’s Finest News Source and their incomparable HOODtube.

Needless to say, Kells traps us in the closet with a jeepful of fuckery and buffoonery to work with.

[CLICK HERE TO WATCH INTERVIEW]

“R. Kelly Speaks?” I’d be far more interested in “R. Kelly Reads,” but this will have to do.

Speaking of which, Kells should stop referring to his writing ability until he actually learns to write. Maybe he should say “Dictaphone skills,” or tell illicit tales of having his flunkies write down what he says.

R. Kelly: Aaliyah… Get your little cockeyed ass over here and write this down for daddy!

Aaliyah: *whimpers* *bursts into sobbing*

R. Kelly: Awww, quit cryin’. You know I love you, babygirl! Why we gotta go back, back, forth and forth like this? *pauses* *scratches head* Oh, shit! Write that down too, you cockeyed jailbait slut. Damn. I’m sorry again, baby.

Of course, Kells conducts his exclusive post-trial interview on the most offender-friendly network that cable television has to offer. This is the same network that allows hosts and VJs to wear FREE [INSERT RAPSTER MONIKER HERE] t-shirts and suggest early release from prison regardless of crime because “that new single fire.”

Clearly Nigga Nation has given R. Kelly its unconditional support throughout his seven-year “tribulation” “cuz he goooood” as well.

Damn. To think it’s been seven whole years since you and your homeboys drank 40-ouncers of Olde English to a video of R. Kelly taking a young adolescent to “Sex Planet” and back. By the time the actual trial started, Sparkle, jr. done already graduated from college had 4 kids and shit. It’s kinda difficult to ingest the full sensationalism of what Kells is accused of when the alleged victim takes the stand with a grandson in her lap.

Maybe it’s just hard for me because I never watched no nasty-ass R. Kelly sex tape. Either way, Kells is free and Little Miss “I Would Have Moved Out The Way” gets a duffel bag of cash every month like “Win For Life” due to her cooperation.

Still, I love how Kelly talks about the trial like HE was the one that got abused.

“Even before the trial, people have had their opinions about Robert, you know… That’s probably because it has a lot to do with me… I kinda shy away from the crowd because I’m always in the studio digging deep into the basement all the time of my house creating music. People when they don’t know you and they can’t really touch you like they could someone else, they seem to form opinions or have thoughts about you that they like to… you know, think.”

No, Robert. People don’t “have thoughts about you that they like to think” because you’re a hard-working, masked recluse. They “have thoughts about you that they like to think” because you bought one child, got an A-through-ZJ from another on camera and eventually bought her too.

With that said, I’ve enjoyed getting my R. Kelly info straight from the pedophile’s mouth for once. For example, I never knew R. Kelly had kids! I do hope at least one of them is a girl. If so, I also hope he prepares her for sexy time when she’s 11. In doing so he’d win back a ton of points in the Book of Mexico for fairness and uniformity of standard.

“Do not listen to the people that was fired. Do not listen to the people that was HIRED!”

What the fuck should we listen to then, Kells? I was waiting for the nigga to say “Don’t listen to anything but 12 Play on repeat!” Unfortunately, I’d have convicted him from there too. “Seems Like You’re Ready,” “Your Body’s Callin’ Me” and “Bump ‘N Grind” all point to his forbidden government-sanctioned relationship with that poor little girl who eventually hopped from one abusive older man to another until her untimely passing.

She should have stuck with Dim Sum if you ask me.

“I been blackmailed a million times in my career.”

What makes a nigga part of that ever-elusive Michael Jackson club? Not every popular artist is an extortion machine. Maybe Kelly needs to check his apprent desire for barely-bleeding booty. Were he literate, I could refer some literature that could be of use. Only an unlearned man fails to understand why people keep trying to G him for the same shit over the course of 15 years.

Maybe we can start slow. I can show him The Cat in the Hat and then, boom… Hit him in the head with The Cat in the Hat Comes Back! Then maybe he’ll understand via Dr. Seuss parable that he, like Mike Jack, need keep his mischievous, rhyming ass away from the chillens.

“I’m not gonna allow this to make me run under a rock and not do my job, you know? No different than a fireman. You gotta run into a fire no matter how big the blaze is.”

If I may get on my Sarah Palin for a moment, I can see how being an R&B singer is kind of like being a fireman. They both walk into hot situations without regard for livelihood and limb. In Kelly’s case the blaze is of crotch and courtroom, but hey. Hot is hot, right?

“Hot Like Fire,” even. [Blogger’s Note: Last Aaliyah crack. I promise.]

I’ll tell you something new. No matter how falsely I was being accused, if I were on that Megan’s Law list I wouldn’t be driving the neighborhood ice cream truck for a living, you dig?

I’m glad someone besides me has referred to that infernal Pied Piper nickname with some scrutiny. Good work, Toure! The ‘fro is looking especially sloppy neo-soul today too, my dude. Nigga look like he had to run off and play keyboard for Joss Stone right after the interview.

“I really wanna get into not just going over there [Africa] to tour. If I’mma get on that plane and go that far I wanna really get to doing some things, humanity stuff. I don’t know what that is yet, but I wanna make it more than just going over there and doing a show.”


Translation: “I met a girl here at a shopping mall. She had hazel eyes. Said she from Africaaaaaa.”

Seriously, depending on where he lands in the big ass country that is Africa, I’m sure he can just go buck-the-fuck-wild. If we let R. Kelly go to Africa he’ll be right back with a new DVD and online content the feds can’t touch. The Piss-Adventures of Black Zorro will smash the first X-rated Kells tape.

He can do all the things we won’t let him do here… and he can do them on the back of a zebra!

I suggest the southern region of Mumbambu. It’s still dark enough there whereas they don’t know nann bout “The Cat in the Hat.”

“To be honest I actually feel like I was in jail for seven years because a lot was taken from me.”

Nigga, please! (He’s not worthy of the “Negro” version of the tagline.) Somehow R. Kelly filmed himself boning and sharing liquid bling with some little girl and is FREE TO TALK ABOUT THE SHIT! I’ll be damned if I’m gonna sit here and listen to him whine about what he’s lost. He’s lost neither his freedom nor his ass-virginity. His fan base is as supportive if not more than before. His popularity is at an all-time high.

All he has to do is make something better than Double Up and he’ll be fine. He needn’t blame the trial if his next album flops. He’s really made the weakest frisbees of his career when, umm… the fire got hot. You know, that 2002 fire he tried to put out with the piss.

In Toure’s other display of journalistic mastery, he asks Kelly to expand on what exactly has been taken from him. Kelly’s reluctance to do so is the most startling of the interview’s many alarming moments. I’ve got $20 on Kells being mad about having lost at least one of the following:

  • His Aurora Middle School Hall Monitor sash
  • His tutoring license
  • His Big Brother/Big Sister membership
  • Disney Channel access (No more Hannah Montana/Cheetah Girls beat-off sessions)

Nigga, please. I didn’t have to sit through 17 minutes of BET’s best effort in 15 years to know what Kelly was going to say and do here. I’m a little surprised he borrowed Usher’s jacket for the interview, but that’s about it. If I wasn’t sure of his guilt before, I’m positive now. Fuck a phantom mole and a purchased testimony. You look that man in the eyes and tell me he’s not full of shit.

Damn. I’m thirsty than a motherfucker.

Questions? Comments? Requests? Still think it’s a good idea to tape the sexins? ron@ronmexicocity.com

We’ll work out the kinks of the new XXL and “Negro, Please!” over the weekend. Due to necessary track work, SDN Tournament Round 1, Div A voting will begin Monday!

I’m starting to have my doubts about DMX making it to the final. We’ll discuss.

  • Pierzy

    Whats good Mex

    XXL gets “remixed” and you come out the gates with a heater like this. Nice work on putting out there what EVERYBODY (over the age of 14 of course) has been thinking for almost a decade.

    “Maybe Kelly needs to check his apparent desire for barely-bleeding booty”

    ^^^^^^^
    Wow.

    • http://www.ronmexicocity.com Ron Mexico

      what it is, p?

      i’m sayin… the nigga is like rambo, first blood, part two!

      • Pierzy

        How is everything Ron?

        Yo, total co-sign with John Brown about the way the site looks. Why make the shit more complicated? Just so you can put the “XXL Store” on the front page?

        ‘IT Department Please’

  • amar

    man wtf did they do to your blog? it’s in caps and shit..

  • John Brown

    Yo the new site sucks…Ron you should do a NEGRO PLEASE on the people who did this shit…

    • http://www.ronmexicocity.com Ron Mexico

      hhahahahahhaa!

      wowsers.

      • Tony Grand$

        Damn Ronaldo, I’m gone for a few days and it looks like niggas got drunk and fucked up my den! The hell goin on round here?!? I’m with u on R.Kelly homie, fuck that bitch ass nigga! Only thing more despicable than a child molester is a child molester who gets off, talks like he did something (fuck his lawyers too), and has the audacity to play the victim. I wish that was my daughter, niece, milk maid, whoever, ill show dude what piss taste like. Its a few nigs on my block who would love to see how hard it is to get another man pregnant. And his Batman mask wearin ass wouldn’t stand a chance. Let see how his kids skirt around this when it comes up @ school (pardon the puns). And you’re wrong for them Aaliyah jokes, ol’ crazy ass man….

  • Jhon da Analyst

    That nigga is dumb as fuck. Literally. I saw excerpts of that interview on Jimmy Kimmel, and damn I was embarassed that I’ve supported this brother’s music for the last ten years. Fuckin dumb bastard….However, If he keeps puttin out hits I’ll listen…….what da fuck???!!!

  • LEO

    How can DMX not make it to the finals?

    p.s.
    R-Kelly is a pisser

  • Worley

    “I’m a little surprised he borrowed Usher’s jacket for the interview.”

    Love the post and the Negro Please tag. Sh*t is hilarious.

    I’m revising my prediction that Plies will take he SDN title. R.Kelly needs to take his not guilty and keep it moving. Speaking on it will only make matters worse which makes him the forerunner for the SDN championship belt.

    • LEO

      You take plies over Superhead? U buggin

    • http://www.ronmexicocity.com Ron Mexico

      this is definitely a recent development that could sway voters. i may have to tweak my ballot.

      i dunno… i still see him having a hard time with foofy foofy, potentially.

  • DETROIT

    A wise woman once said….”DAMN, DAMN, DAMN” that nigga r is the devil! seriously, they say the devil was originally the music angel, so i’m pretty sure that he’s come back to earth as R Kelly.

    you’re setting the bar pretty high mexico…keep it up!

    oh yea, the more i think about it, the more i see an upset victory in the SDN Tounament for Papoose! This nigga is the very definition of a SDN….want proof, listen to “law library”, and then listen to “i get gully” immediately after.

  • http://xxlmag.com slim

    hahahahahahahahaha! yeah for the 1st time toure did a helluva interview! he had this yeah right look the whole interview! hahahahaha

    • http://www.ronmexicocity.com Ron Mexico

      man, i loved it.

      and kells could tell he wasn’t convincing toure of shit.

  • TheCo!!inB

    the great thing about illiteracy is the inability to express ideas clearly……this nigga Kels was ALL over the fuckin place like a Roschart test explainin why he sees it ok to sprinkle liquid bling, as I believe my dog drowning friend refered to it, on de gal dem yuts dem…….you’re right Ron, a resounding NIGGA PLEASE was long over due on this clown…..and the “back/forth” shit was Chappelle worthy……*takes TP2 off pause and goes back to working*

  • TheCo!!inB

    and i’m callin shenanigans on Kels sweeping the SDN’s…..i feel that an SDN should at least be able to read his fucking acceptance speech and not

    “Mer he had u…..little lamb”

    us to death

    • Jhon da Analyst

      TheCo!!inB ………….Yo, I remember that shit from Martin Lawrence……funny shit. These mofos obviously didn’t get it!

  • capcobra

    HE SHOULD’VE ATE THE LIL GIRL ASS AND PEE’D ON THE GROWN WOMEN….SDN….THEN HE WOULDN’T HAVE TO GO TO AFRICA TO DO HUMANITARIAN WORK….LOL….PISSING IDIOT!

  • Cake A!

    I just wanted to Big-Up FunkMaster Flex for checking R-Kelly and saying what all us real dudes really think about this cat! 1hunnid BayArea Gasss!

  • TheCo!!inB

    yeah, Flez really blacked out on that nigga last night….”You did it and you’re gonna do it again!”……it was a very “gyooood damn” moment.

  • Bang

    Fuck that bitch, you right on all points CHURCH

  • http://xxlmag.com Kane Corleone

    Kellz is a fuccin freak no doubt bout that had to check my son on some shit said he like that nigga ,had to tell his ass “u just bet not pee on damn body in school lil nigga”

  • anutha_level

    “Maybe Kelly needs to check his apprent desire for barely-bleeding booty. Were he literate, I could refer some literature that could be of use. Only an unlearned man fails to understand why people keep trying to G him for the same shit over the course of 15 years.”

    damn man…no truer words have been spoken. i’m convinced this cat is a musically inclined idiot-savant…

  • FORTY

    that dumb ass nigga should have never did the interview…..I guess he figured that shit would help his image or some shit…should have stayed his ass in the studio….

  • mr.martin

    dissing aaliyah was low, behind that tough talk bloggin you a real coward.

  • DV8

    Classic Shit!!!(except for the Aaliyah references, should have left her out of it) This nigga R is super dumb. Unfortunately he doesnt qualify for the SDN(Smart Dumb Nigga) Tournament because he is a SDN(Stupid Dumb Nigga). But I bet you he drop a classic album and all will be well. Just Watch.

  • paychexx

    fam..lol..that was some classic shit right there.

    usher’s jacket line was funny as fuck
    probably pick that shit up when usher threw down in that moving mountains vid.

    man bottom line fuck kellz.

    mexico wins again!!
    peace.

  • EReal

    See, Im on the other side of this. I was 15 and 16 and I knew exactly what the fuck I was doing banging out 14 and 15 year olds at 16 and 17 man. I quit all that when I turned 18 tho, no thank you on that Chris Hansen shit.

    Im not saying Kellz was right, or justitified and what he did IS illegal and I wouldnt do it myself, but wtf, the chick was down!

    You tellin me Ron Mex, that if you had some 17 year old sluttie, tellin you they are of age, wanting to wet your dick up you’d pass???

    I mean I wouldnt have taped the shit, evidence is a mother fucker, but then again, its better than a rape charge!!

    “No Rape, Show em the tape, just playin my part”

    Oh, and I was LMMFAO @ The Aaliyah refs, I dont give a fuck, she died because she was ignorant. I got two friends that died in Iraq, noone mentions them. Some jailbait piece of ass dies cause she didnt listen to the fucking pilot say, “HEY, THERES TOO MUCH WIEGHT ON THIS PLANE LADY!!!” and we’re supposed to tiptoe, fuck all that.

    Just my .02.

    • http://www.ronmexicocity.com Ron Mexico

      1. i totally understand the “how young is too young” argument. age really AIN’T nothin but a number, but 14 is def too young… at least for me. i’m lookin for more than just somethin to beat up.

      i can’t deal with a jawn if all she wanna do after is watch 106 & park or chill in front of the building with a folding chair. that’s regardless of age.

      i wasn’t gettin after aaliyah. i guess i can’t cite her as a reference to r. kelly’s illness because she’s dead. eh, fuck that. she’s exhibit A and i’ll use her as i damn well please.

      i didn’t say anything about her plane crash or how she died, etc. i don’t care to make light of any of that. (not today, at least. though i feel some of the same people who turned their noses would laugh at a well-placed buddy holly joke). i was just talkin about her affinity for dirty old men and producers while she was among the living. more so how kells turned that out from yooooouuung.

      far too young to really have a chance to make some of the important decisions for self. far too young not to be taken advantage of in a sexual relationship.

      the real issue is sexual responsibility, which a 40-year-old man is not exhibiting when choosing an early adolescent made.

      on the same coin, he’s not using it when choosing a 40-year-old mate with the brain of a 14 year old.

  • Smel

    HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I kept my giggles in my head as I read, till I got to:

    “I met a girl, at the shopping mall…”

    then I spit out my Crystal Light, and literally LOL’d till the end…alot of truth is said in jest.

    Additionally, (copied from my comment on Bol’s S.N.W.)
    ___________________________

    Can we also discuss the fact that when he was back in Profyle (an early 90′s R&B group) before his solo career, R. Kelly gives Aaliyah a shout-out at the end…calls her “little” and “cute”, all under the guise of shouting out various girls’ names??? (youtube it -it’s at the end, during the fade out)

    But how many girls you know out there named Aaliyah….in the 1990′s, before THE Aaliyah got real big. NONE. If I was diligent enough, I would check the recording date of that song against Aaliyah’s birth certificate…..but I’m not.

    Oh, and I stumbled across this while listening to a *~**OLD SKOOL EARLY 90′s!!!*~* type playlist on iMeem, just fyi.

    • Smel

      CORRECTION:

      Group: Public Announcement

      Song: She’s Got That Vibe

  • Trickdd

    R-Kelly is innocent man its a fact that wasn’t him on the tape bitches need to stop making up rumors on some ho shit trying to fuck up a mans life

  • http://heardonmystoop.wordpress.com Drew Ricketts

    R. Kelly is a standard issue pedophile with a problem. But because Black people are notorious sympathizers with the weakest of our ranks, we let him slide. Why don’t we step up and start criticizing the abuse of black girls and young black girls especially…instead of assuming a FOURTEEN YEAR OLD staged some elaborate plan to blackmail him. I don’t know what’s less palatable…Kells’s piss tales or the fact that we’re willing to write all 6 (or seven) of these women off as freaks in the face of his pathology.

  • Fixda

    “Seriously, depending on where he lands in the big ass country that is Africa, I’m sure he can just go buck-the-fuck-wild.Seriously, depending on where he lands in the big ass country that is Africa, I’m sure he can just go buck-the-fuck-wild.”
    Scary shit. I immediatly tought about that. He was like: “I can’t do that here no more, so shit, I’ma go to Africa”
    Ah and Ron, Africa’s not a country man. It’s a continent full of countries…

  • geico lizard

    ron you roasted him this time but he makes it to easy for you. congrats on the banner. thanks for the “win for life” reference ron you know i keep ticket on deck because you got to be in it to win it,ha ha. i am shocked kellz got away because in this country they only let women get away with having sex with minors but this time the courts gave a man the same break.