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R. Kelly Speaks! I Wish He Hadn’t.

[Editor’s Note: “Blogger’s Note” has been taken over by Ron Mexico until—Oh, shit! I’ve got a BANNER!]

Ummm… Welcome to the new, bitches!

I was distraught for having missed the initial airing of The Negro Channel’s SDN report “R. Kelly Speaks.” I thank R&B Jesus for The Ghetto’s Finest News Source and their incomparable HOODtube.

Needless to say, Kells traps us in the closet with a jeepful of fuckery and buffoonery to work with.


“R. Kelly Speaks?” I’d be far more interested in “R. Kelly Reads,” but this will have to do.

Speaking of which, Kells should stop referring to his writing ability until he actually learns to write. Maybe he should say “Dictaphone skills,” or tell illicit tales of having his flunkies write down what he says.

R. Kelly: Aaliyah… Get your little cockeyed ass over here and write this down for daddy!

Aaliyah: *whimpers* *bursts into sobbing*

R. Kelly: Awww, quit cryin’. You know I love you, babygirl! Why we gotta go back, back, forth and forth like this? *pauses* *scratches head* Oh, shit! Write that down too, you cockeyed jailbait slut. Damn. I’m sorry again, baby.

Of course, Kells conducts his exclusive post-trial interview on the most offender-friendly network that cable television has to offer. This is the same network that allows hosts and VJs to wear FREE [INSERT RAPSTER MONIKER HERE] t-shirts and suggest early release from prison regardless of crime because “that new single fire.”

Clearly Nigga Nation has given R. Kelly its unconditional support throughout his seven-year “tribulation” “cuz he goooood” as well.

Damn. To think it’s been seven whole years since you and your homeboys drank 40-ouncers of Olde English to a video of R. Kelly taking a young adolescent to “Sex Planet” and back. By the time the actual trial started, Sparkle, jr. done already graduated from college had 4 kids and shit. It’s kinda difficult to ingest the full sensationalism of what Kells is accused of when the alleged victim takes the stand with a grandson in her lap.

Maybe it’s just hard for me because I never watched no nasty-ass R. Kelly sex tape. Either way, Kells is free and Little Miss “I Would Have Moved Out The Way” gets a duffel bag of cash every month like “Win For Life” due to her cooperation.

Still, I love how Kelly talks about the trial like HE was the one that got abused.

“Even before the trial, people have had their opinions about Robert, you know… That’s probably because it has a lot to do with me… I kinda shy away from the crowd because I’m always in the studio digging deep into the basement all the time of my house creating music. People when they don’t know you and they can’t really touch you like they could someone else, they seem to form opinions or have thoughts about you that they like to… you know, think.”

No, Robert. People don’t “have thoughts about you that they like to think” because you’re a hard-working, masked recluse. They “have thoughts about you that they like to think” because you bought one child, got an A-through-ZJ from another on camera and eventually bought her too.

With that said, I’ve enjoyed getting my R. Kelly info straight from the pedophile’s mouth for once. For example, I never knew R. Kelly had kids! I do hope at least one of them is a girl. If so, I also hope he prepares her for sexy time when she’s 11. In doing so he’d win back a ton of points in the Book of Mexico for fairness and uniformity of standard.

“Do not listen to the people that was fired. Do not listen to the people that was HIRED!”

What the fuck should we listen to then, Kells? I was waiting for the nigga to say “Don’t listen to anything but 12 Play on repeat!” Unfortunately, I’d have convicted him from there too. “Seems Like You’re Ready,” “Your Body’s Callin’ Me” and “Bump ‘N Grind” all point to his forbidden government-sanctioned relationship with that poor little girl who eventually hopped from one abusive older man to another until her untimely passing.

She should have stuck with Dim Sum if you ask me.

“I been blackmailed a million times in my career.”

What makes a nigga part of that ever-elusive Michael Jackson club? Not every popular artist is an extortion machine. Maybe Kelly needs to check his apprent desire for barely-bleeding booty. Were he literate, I could refer some literature that could be of use. Only an unlearned man fails to understand why people keep trying to G him for the same shit over the course of 15 years.

Maybe we can start slow. I can show him The Cat in the Hat and then, boom… Hit him in the head with The Cat in the Hat Comes Back! Then maybe he’ll understand via Dr. Seuss parable that he, like Mike Jack, need keep his mischievous, rhyming ass away from the chillens.

“I’m not gonna allow this to make me run under a rock and not do my job, you know? No different than a fireman. You gotta run into a fire no matter how big the blaze is.”

If I may get on my Sarah Palin for a moment, I can see how being an R&B singer is kind of like being a fireman. They both walk into hot situations without regard for livelihood and limb. In Kelly’s case the blaze is of crotch and courtroom, but hey. Hot is hot, right?

“Hot Like Fire,” even. [Blogger’s Note: Last Aaliyah crack. I promise.]

I’ll tell you something new. No matter how falsely I was being accused, if I were on that Megan’s Law list I wouldn’t be driving the neighborhood ice cream truck for a living, you dig?

I’m glad someone besides me has referred to that infernal Pied Piper nickname with some scrutiny. Good work, Toure! The ‘fro is looking especially sloppy neo-soul today too, my dude. Nigga look like he had to run off and play keyboard for Joss Stone right after the interview.

“I really wanna get into not just going over there [Africa] to tour. If I’mma get on that plane and go that far I wanna really get to doing some things, humanity stuff. I don’t know what that is yet, but I wanna make it more than just going over there and doing a show.”

Translation: “I met a girl here at a shopping mall. She had hazel eyes. Said she from Africaaaaaa.”

Seriously, depending on where he lands in the big ass country that is Africa, I’m sure he can just go buck-the-fuck-wild. If we let R. Kelly go to Africa he’ll be right back with a new DVD and online content the feds can’t touch. The Piss-Adventures of Black Zorro will smash the first X-rated Kells tape.

He can do all the things we won’t let him do here… and he can do them on the back of a zebra!

I suggest the southern region of Mumbambu. It’s still dark enough there whereas they don’t know nann bout “The Cat in the Hat.”

“To be honest I actually feel like I was in jail for seven years because a lot was taken from me.”

Nigga, please! (He’s not worthy of the “Negro” version of the tagline.) Somehow R. Kelly filmed himself boning and sharing liquid bling with some little girl and is FREE TO TALK ABOUT THE SHIT! I’ll be damned if I’m gonna sit here and listen to him whine about what he’s lost. He’s lost neither his freedom nor his ass-virginity. His fan base is as supportive if not more than before. His popularity is at an all-time high.

All he has to do is make something better than Double Up and he’ll be fine. He needn’t blame the trial if his next album flops. He’s really made the weakest frisbees of his career when, umm… the fire got hot. You know, that 2002 fire he tried to put out with the piss.

In Toure’s other display of journalistic mastery, he asks Kelly to expand on what exactly has been taken from him. Kelly’s reluctance to do so is the most startling of the interview’s many alarming moments. I’ve got $20 on Kells being mad about having lost at least one of the following:

  • His Aurora Middle School Hall Monitor sash
  • His tutoring license
  • His Big Brother/Big Sister membership
  • Disney Channel access (No more Hannah Montana/Cheetah Girls beat-off sessions)

Nigga, please. I didn’t have to sit through 17 minutes of BET’s best effort in 15 years to know what Kelly was going to say and do here. I’m a little surprised he borrowed Usher’s jacket for the interview, but that’s about it. If I wasn’t sure of his guilt before, I’m positive now. Fuck a phantom mole and a purchased testimony. You look that man in the eyes and tell me he’s not full of shit.

Damn. I’m thirsty than a motherfucker.

Questions? Comments? Requests? Still think it’s a good idea to tape the sexins?

We’ll work out the kinks of the new XXL and “Negro, Please!” over the weekend. Due to necessary track work, SDN Tournament Round 1, Div A voting will begin Monday!

I’m starting to have my doubts about DMX making it to the final. We’ll discuss.

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