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England > The D

I couldn’t help but find the news, earlier today, that Juelz Santana had been kidnapped and robbed over in England somewhat anticlimactic, in that there’s no real evidence that it even happened.

All there is, so far, is a few blog posts with no named sources and no links to any more reputable news organizations.

I consulted Google News, and I see the only sites there reporting on it are SOHH and Media Take Out, and I wouldn’t be surprised, knowing those two, if they aren’t just cribbing their information from those same blogs, without any kind of attribution.

I’m not saying this shit definitely didn’t happen. I’m just saying. Do we even know for a fact that Juelz Santana is over in England? The other day, Cam’ron called up someone’s radio show claiming he was over in Switzerland, buying watches, and I’m pretty sure he couldn’t pick out Switzerland on a map.

And I see there’s a video, today, over at WSHH of Juelz Santana in a field with some n-bombs smoking blunts somewhere over in New Jersey by the Hudson River. When was that taken?

At least in the last big case of one of these rappers getting their chain stolen, when Yung Berg got the crap beat out of him by Trick Trick’s little brother, up in Detroit, there was that hilarious picture of the guy posing with Berg’s ridonkulous Transformers chain.

Then, a few days later, there was the video of some woefully misguided child claiming to be Yung Berg’s twin brother (he’s even got a paper that says so) standing in someone’s backyard in the Chicago ghetto, talking about how he’s gonna shoot Trick Trick et al., if they ever set foot in the Chi.


The thing is, this shit with Juelz Santana over in England sounds like it might have been even more amusing than Yung Berg getting stomped out for his Transformers piece. Certianly more cinematic.

Supposedly, dudes ran up in the hotel over there where Juelz was staying to rob him, but Juelz ended up being escorted out and to another hotel by 5-0. Presumably, Juelz himself didn’t have anything to do with his receiving assistance from the police. Because that would of course be snitching.

But then, in some shit right out of the movie No Country for Old Men, these guys somehow managed to find out the other hotel Juelz was in, ran up in it and robbed his ass at gunpoint.


I can only imagine what was going through Juelz’ head when he realized they’d found where he was hiding. He was probably like, “What the fuck? Am I wearing a transponder?”

And that’s not to mention what must have been the sheer hilarity of these guys pretending to be gully, in their penny loafers and with their thick English accents.

Fortunately, we might be in luck. Eskay claims there’s gonna be video having to do with this incident any day now. Whether it’s actually gonna be video of the incident, or just video of a buncha soccer hooligans posing with Juelz’ jewelry.

If it’s the former, it could constitute the biggest L ever taken in the history of hip-hop, even in an age of dudes crying on the phone with other guys and kissing other guys on the mouth. I mean, just imagine the site of Juelz Santana tied to a chair with some Rick Astley-looking dude holding a gun in his mouth. Holy crap!

Which is not to say that I find any of this amusing, or that I condone this kind of violent crime. I’m just saying… aww, who the fuck am I kidding? I can’t wait to see this video.

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