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NEGRO PLEASE: Rohan Marley Claims Lauryn Hill on Comeback Trail

[Editor’s Note: “Blogger’s Note” has been taken over by Ron Mexico until further notice.]

“She writes music in the bathroom, on toilet paper, on the wall,” said Rohan Marley, the father of [Lauryn] Hill’s five children. “She writes it in the mirror if the mirror smokes up. She writes constantly. This woman does not sleep.”Rohan Marley, People Magazine… via XXL

Rohan is trying to tell us that his wife’s penchant for nodding off on the toilet is because she works too hard making music.

*looks into palm, shaking head*

What’s this bag of bullshit you trynna sell me, Dread?

If we’re to believe you then where the fuck is the music, Rohan?! Is she just singing the shit to you and the kids?! Have you turned L-Boogie into your personal ganja fairy? Lauryn’s your personal sprite, isn’t she?

It’s been 10 years. Either Lauryn’s not recording or Rohan got 6 or 7 more installments of Miseducation locked away in the reefer cellar.

How are the five children not scared to all shit by this woman’s visage anyway? I grew up afraid of clowns. I still don’t fuck with them. L looks like some shit Gumby and Pokey used to run away from on Saturday morning. How strong is the damn weed in the Marley compound to make a nigga think they can come out of the house looking like a fuckin Claymation monster from the 70s?

That’s a cot damn Oprahsaurus and I have zero interest in being its baby daddy.

Why the fuck are your bathroom mirrors smoked up, Rohan? Nevermind. I think it’s safe to assume everything in a Marley house is smoked up.

[Blogger’s Note: This entry’s got a lot more questions than answers. Drugs make me confused.]

What kind of woman with five kids works all day and doesn’t go to sleep? A fuckin junkie, that’s who.

Lauryn a write inna di batroom? Nah, breddrin. She nah write. She a shoot. Yuh raaasclaaat Yankee ooman a smoke dem bumbaclot ganja wi’ dem cocaine. Ooman a bloodclaaat mess, seen?

Blooodclaaaaat, ‘ow she a go look so? Me’amemba from long time di gyal look GOOD. Prekky likkle black gyal whe’a cyarry roun’ wi’ Why-cliffe and di wholla dem pickit-‘air pussyclat Fugee man dem.

[Blogger’s Note: Except John Forte. He get it for cheap.]

People didn’t even want to touch her at Dave Chappelle’s Block Party. This is because they were in the heart of Brooklyn. They know the Golden Rule of Dope Fiend Engagement there. If you let a fiend game you down for some change/smoke at a block party, she’ll never leave you alone. This is useful information for whichever of you youngsters may be looking for daily jimmy wax love this week.

Two words. Crack heads. They give up the turkey neck love wild easy for some strange reason. You don’t even have to be a totally irrelevant Marley brother.

Lauryn need to get on that Amy Winehouse shit. I swear the first time I heard “Rehab” I thought it was L-Boogie anyway.

Oh, excuse me. According to the People article in question, she mandates that we refer to her exclusively as “Ms. Hill.”

Ms. Hill puts herself through 7 seasons of “So You Wanna Be A Marley,” names her daughter “Baby Marley… Marley,” and demands that we call her “Ms. Hill.”

That’s some white powder rationale if I ever heard of any. Doesn’t she know that her children will starve if she keeps entertaining that white hot girl?

As for Rohan, the great patriarch of his own frighteningly fucked tribe of Judah–Marley, please! Don’t insult our intelligence. Those rasta mind tricks may have landed you a Jersey songbird, but the rest of us ain’t goin for the bullshit.

…and this ain’t no ounce, my nigga.

Questions? Comments? Requests? Sweetest thing you’ve ever known?

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