Did the TIs throw bleach on Beyonce?

After days of rumbling on the Internets about whether or not L’Oreal used Photoshop or some sort of high school graduation photo-style “aftertouch” (remember that shit?) to make Beyonce’s face look that much more cracka-ass cracka-ish in ads for their Feria hair coloring system, L’Oreal issued a statement today saying that they didn’t.

And you know what? I’m willing to believe that they didn’t. Instead, I wouldn’t be surprised if Beyonce has been applying some sort of skin-lightening agent to herself, like Michael Jackson used to do back in the ’80s.

It’s ironic for a number of reasons.

First of all, as Billy X. Sunday pointed out in his post today, how in the fuck is Beyonce posing in ads for hair lightening cream, when I think we all know good and well that’s not her real hair? I suppose, in theory, you could apply a lightening agent to the hair of poor Russian orphans that you buy and it might work, but why not just buy that shit in the shade that you want in the first place?

It could be the case that it’s hard to buy fake hair that’s as blond as you’d like it to be. But I thought those Russian broads were mad Nordic-looking? (And god bless them for it!) Maybe the ones that end up in orphanages don’t have especially good hair. Which might help explain how they ended up in orphanages in the first place. I know a lot of the best-looking ones are shipped to America and Western Europe to be the wives and girlfriends of prominent businessmen.

Those broad’s hair? Incredible. Beyonce could only hope to be as attractive.

Which brings me to the next point of irony: Beyonce was already lightskinted to begin with. Who ever heard of a lightskinted broad trying to make herself more lightskinted? This might actually be an historical first.

At least in the case of Michael Jackson, he was about as… shall we say, classically black as a guy could get, short of somehow being born with a gold tooth in his mouth. It’s actually kind of amazing he got to be as cracka-ass cracka-ish as he did, given the point at which he began. If only Quincy Jones or someone could have stepped in and gotten him to stop that train right around the time Thriller came out. At that point, his hair was nice and curly, his nose was more or less normal-looking, his skin was somewhat lighter than it had been… That’s all he really needed!

Similarly, I’m wondering what in the hell Beyonce was on when she thought it would be a good idea to make her skin even lighter than it already was. Is there anyone, white or black (or, for the sake of inclusiveness, with this being the Olympics and all, Chinese), who thought Beyonce actually looked better in that ad than she normally does? Nah, I think most people would be willing to agree that Beyonce pretty much started out at that point where Michael Jackson was at when Thriller came out, where any work she could have done would only serve to make her look that much more like a space alien. (Aside from, perhaps, some sort of solution to her constitutional incapability of growing a full, healthy head of hair.)

Which makes me wonder how Beyonce came to be convinced that this was gonna be a good idea. Did the TIs sit her down and explain to her that, at her advanced age, the only way she was gonna continue to have a career that doesn’t involve her starring in a touring revival of Mama, I Want to Sing or some shit (she was already in the film version of Dreamgirls…) is if she lightened things up a bit? I wouldn’t be surprised, since this is arguably the best year for lightskinted ninjas since the heyday of the likes of Gregory Abbott, and since she’s married to Jay-Z, whose personal philosophy obviously involves taking any money a TI will hand you, regardless of what you have to give up in exchange.

What do you fruits think? If Obama gets elected, is this about to be 1986 all over again. I’m borderline Wesley Snipes status these days, after having spent three days baking in the sun at Lollapalooza, so I certainly hope not. Lord knows it was hard enough procuring some stank during the Bush administration.

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  • Bang

    Beyonce wants to be porto rican or some shit, she said she loves the latins and wish she could be one

    Whether she meant it or not, shes still a fake

  • http://www.plasticsquirtguns.blogspot.com thoreauly77

    i could care less. beyonce is fine. even if she did lighten her skin, she could still be her original mocha beauty in three chicago summer days.

  • http://www.asdf.com Hey

    Why do you always refer to the comments section posters as fruits? Is that some Freudian slip of the tongue meaning you wish we were fruits? No homo, but that’s just not cool.

    Anyway, B looks awful in those ads. I don’t even like white girls that white. LOL at the thought of tall Israelis throwing bleach on Beyonce before the photo shoot, though.

    • B

      Hey, you fruit!

      • http://www.asdf.com Hey

        Who didn’t see that coming?

        • chad bro chill

          id bang beyonce if she was asian and thts sayhing something ya digg…… cuz asians have slanted eyes and thts wierd

  • The Fedz

    As I said in BXS drop, Jigga just decided he wanted a white woman. But it would be too easy to just go get one of them anorexic foriegn white chicks. So he started dropping that doe to convert Be. She has lost the black girl ass, she always blonde, her lips looking skinnier. I bet she is just waiting to get a eye transplant to get some blues in there, contacts is to hoodrat.

    Come this time next year, she’ll probably make Bols hitlist, then you know she a white girl fasho.


    Who ever heard of a lightskinted broad trying to make herself more lightskinted? i don’t like to use labels but. you know when they say a person is dressing goth. well a white goth person will wear white looking makeup on there white skin to look caulky white? shit makes no sense to me. how about robert downey junior in tropic thunder he is going smabo hahahahahah. i can’t wait to see that shit

  • http://www.asdf.com Hey

    Damn somebody lend Bol a comment. This shit is dead.

  • http://xxlmag.com Billy X. Sunday

    You gotdamn right we bringing 1986 back. Lightskindded brothers have been losing since Al B. Sure fell the fuck off (another Quincy Jones protege – hmmmmm).

    Y’all had your run – Jordan, Denzel, Wesley, Angela Bassett, motherfucking Bobby Brown…

    It’s time for Whitney Houston and Jasmine Guy to make a comeback, or at least give me a Deelishis swimsuit calendar.

    • http://www.asdf.com Hey

      Unfortunately being 300 pounds still isn’t in style. You and Bol need to step up ya workout game, no homo.

    • Tony Grand$

      Yeah Bill, mofo’s want that natural light skin. Be it caramel or that weird ass beige color, down to the sandy brown hair, shit gots to be natural. Take wendy williams, tell me that broad aint transformin into a white chick right bfore ur eyes. The realest thing about her is her honesty that evrything on her is manufactured. And Be pullin a Wacko Jacko on this one. You would think mr carter would have enough pull to get that shit pulled from the mag, unless like my man says he wanted a white girl. As for the niggas, we had a good run with Ginuwine, but that nigga turned into the new and unimproved Al B., so now who we rely on? Chris Brown? Seem like all these females wanna look like Mariah Carey (ill drink her bath water, word up!!!), but she’s natural. Be gon catch hella static over this one. Mrs. Carter, we don’t believe you, you need more ppl!

  • lashawn

    man i dont know wat it is with being ‘light skinned’. i mean here we got WHITE people burning/tanning/bronzing (and watever else they do) to get darker skin and then here we got the brown skinned (beyonce) wanting to go the other way. i mean dammmmmnn. this shitt is fucked up. but i dont care less wat beyonce does with herself. i always say this and ima say it again – real ladies are on the streets right now. fuck the air-brushed/make-up filled industry broads.

  • http://www.xxlmag.com Benicio Del Thoro

    As a lightskinned male I take offense to that. We got Lenny Kravitz and also not to mention Mike Bibby.

    Our team also goes beyond that, but back to B. She is okay, I think Solange looks bad though.

  • john

    how is this news?

    have you seen the target ads with her and her family? they lightened up everyone except her dad. her mom didnt even look black at all.

  • Produnkgirl

    Shit her faced matched the damn hair color which is too impossible. People still do the paper bag shit. Get a grip!

  • lilkunta

    Who or what is a TI?