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These whores are getting old

Confession time: The other day, one of these assholes sent me a link to a new video by Khia, the broad who did that song “My Neck, My Back,” and who was in one episode of ego trip’s The Female Rapper Show, or whatever the fuck it was called. Normally, I wouldn’t think twice about some shit like that. I’m not like the late, great Noz, where I might actually be interested in the music featured in a Khia video. (My bad, Noz, if Khia falls into that group of LCD rappers you actually don’t like, along with her fellow Floridian Rick Ross. Even before he was a cop!) But I happened to notice, in the thumbnail image of the video, that it seemed like her boobs are really big now, and I’m not gonna lie – I ended up watching that shit for like 20 seconds before I turned it off.

I know, I know. That’s just inexcusable.

The thing is, her boobs are really big now. Those motherfuckers are on full! It’s just that she’s really old and haggard-looking. All that crack she smoked as a child must have done a number on her visage. If she was 20 years old, this could have been the best rap video evar. I would’ve just turned the volume down and watched those bad boys jiggle.

Which brings me to my point: A lot of our best female rappers, which is to say our best-looking female rappers, are getting old now, and we’ve yet to find very many suitable replacements.

This became especially clear to me just now, when I came across a story about how Foxy Brown and Lil’ Kim are being sued by some publisher, because they never got around to writing these books they were supposed to write, and I noticed that both of them were looking pretty fucked the fuck up in the picture that went along with the article.

If this was just a matter of Khia not being worth a shit, I probably wouldn’t have bothered. Nah, I probably would’ve just swallowed my embarrassment and gone about my business. It’s not like she was ever regarded as, erm, acceptable in the first place. But Foxy Brown and Lil’ Kim were the shit back in the day. If they weren’t the two best female rappers evar, that was still my favorite era of female rap. Though that could be because I tend to subscribe to the theory that women, who I love dearly, just don’t excel in media that require personality, like standup comedy and MCing.

We’ve gone over this before.

Female rap hasn’t been quite the same ever since the halcyon era of slore rap (roughly 1996-2001), and I’m wondering if that’s because the “talent” just plain hasn’t been up to snuff. I know not too long ago, we’d arrived at a point where there wasn’t a single female rapper with a contract with a major recording label, but I’m not sure if that’s still the case or not. At any rate, I don’t think anyone would argue that they’ve been very successful as of late.

This would seem counter intuitive. You turn on CMT, which I was subjected to at least once daily for the half of this decade I spent in college, and it’s nothing but smoking hot white chicks (sorry) in tight jeans dancing next to pickup trucks. Same story on VH1, except maybe minus the pickup trucks. Obviously, an attractive woman can be used to sell shitty music. You’d think it wouldn’t be that difficult for one of these labels to find a black chick with… you know, some assets, have one of these n-bombs write some raps for her.

Part of the problem could be that a lot of these older female rappers refuse to go away. For example, Foxy Brown appears on the cover of XXL this month (go cop that), in which she apparently complains about how Jay-Z wouldn’t come visit her in jail. And a few months ago, in what may have been an even more embarrassing cover (how do you even quantify such things?), Trina was featured on that cover along with DJ Khaled and Officer Rick Ross.

Which makes me wonder who’s next: The plastic surgery disaster Lil’ Kim? Khia? I shudder at the thought. Also, when are we gonna reach the point when Foxy Brown and Trina are too old to be featured on the cover? I’d argue that we already did, a good five-plus years ago. But you guys know I take my cues as to what a woman’s personal appearance should be from the mainstream media.

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